By Rebecca Rose

7:00 Red carpet pre-show.  Everyone looks overly Botoxed and bronzed, which means tonight is going to be awesome. Also, is there anyone in Hollywood actually capable of masking their hatred for Ryan Seacrest?

7:19 Christina Aguilera is here to support laughably nominated film “Burlesque”,  dressed like a mermaid working a brothel. If she puts on any more bronzer, she will turn into a tangerine.

7:22 Justin Bieber is telling horrible jokes and can’t stop plugging his movie.  Children like this make me want to get my tubes tied.

7:24 Some moron from NBC just asked Steve Buscemi, an actor with over 30 years of experience in Holllywood, if he’s enjoying his “big break” this year. He looks at her like he wishes he had a gun.

7:27 The wax figure of Angelina Jolie from Madame Tussauds has shown up. It’s doing a worse job than the real Angelina of convincing everyone that “The Tourist” wasn’t a complete pile of shit.

7:30 Alexa Chung comments on how shiny Robert Pattinson’s shoes are.  This sums up her entire performance as a red carpet interviewer.

7:37 Carson Daly says that the Golden Globes are like one giant celebrity steakhouse.  If only we could somehow work bottomless mashed potatoes and rolls into this, my night would be perfect.

7:50 Anne Hathaway is gushing non-stop about what good friends she and “Love and Other Drugs” co-star Jake Gyllenhaal are. Which probably means they haven’t talked to each other in months.

7:58 No one in my house is paying attention to anything going on at the Golden Globes, because everyone is drunk celebrating that Tom Brady won’t be going back to the Super Bowl.

8:02 And we’re off. OMG RICKY GERVAIS’ MONOLOGUE. I for one would kill for an opportunity to stand up on this stage and tell everyone in that room how much I hate them. Seriously, I hate everyone.  Even the waiters are probably awful.

8:05 Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture presentation.  Hey, what happened to Scarlett Johannsen’s boobs?  Did Ryan Reynolds get them in the divorce?

8:06 I did not know the leader singer for Kansas was nominated for an acting award this year.  Good for him.

8:07 Oh, wait, it’s just Christian Bale.  Well, maybe now he can get afford to get a shower. He’s very funny and gives the best explanation of press junkets I have ever heard in my life.

8:10 KATEY SAGAL WINS FOR BEST ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES!!!!! Yes!!  Ed O’Neill’s adoring reaction shot is the best 4 seconds of the whole night.  Too bad she needs a Sherpa guide to walk her down from the miserable seating assignment she got.  She barely gets a chance to speak before the stupid music starts to cut her off.  Maybe if they didn’t make her walk 30 miles to get up here, she’d be able to finish her whole speech.

8:15 Everyone associated with the movie “Carlos” is up on stage to collect the award for “Best Television Movie or Mini Series” and none of them speak a word of English.  They still make more sense to me than anything  Helena Bonham Carter ever says. Yet again they play that crappy elevator music to shoo them away. It has no effect, because in their country, playing lots of loud music just means “Talk louder and a lot longer.”  Personally,  I would rather watch Edgar Rameriz read the phone book for three hours than sit through another five minutes of this excruciating show.

8:22 If you actually understand Ricky Gervais’ bizarre “Pac Man” joke, you should sign up to work for the Smithsonian translating Sanskrit-inscribed artifacts.

8:26 Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy.  Chris Colfer gets a huge, amazing surprise win.   You can literally hear Lea Michelle gnashing her teeth together during his speech.   Colfer gives the best award speech of the year so far, bravely standing up for every one’s right to be themselves and sing cover versions of cheesy 80’s pop tunes.

8:32 Nothing on Michelle Pfeiffer’s face moves except for her eyelashes. Nothing.  SHE IS A ROBOT.

8:34 Haha!  Look how fat and ugly Eva Longoria is! (Shut up, this is my blog).

8:36 Boardwalk Empire takes Best Drama Series award.  Congratulations, HFPA.  You just gave Marky Mark an award for producing.

8:39 The nicest thing I can say about these awards is that I desperately wish Kanye West would show up to interrupt somebody. Please.

8:45 Jennifer Lopez looks like she’s wearing Dorothy Hamil’s costume from the ‘76 Olympics. Alec Baldwin stops to “spontaneously” point out to everyone how she looks so “beautiful!!”.  Yes, because that’s such a welcome change from everyone always talking about how hideous she is.  She and Alec Baldwin give the award for Best Sonzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Lopez and Baldwin also present for Best Score.  Trent Reznor accepts for his “Social Network” score, dressed like an accountant going to Bible study.  He now wants to make love to you like a well trained house cat.  His appearance makes me really nostalgic…mostly for all the drugs I did back in the 90s. Especially while sitting through this award show.

8:56 “Toy Story 3” wins, for Best Animated Movie. A film that’s so endearingly sweet, it makes you forget that Tim Allen used to be a coke dealer.

9:05 Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical.  I don’t know what gay man did that to Annette Bening’s hair, but he clearly hates her.  She must have run over his dog or something.

9:09 The only way I can describe Tilda Swinton is that she is absolutely “Swintonian”.  She inspires her own adjectives.

9:11 Best Actor in a Miniseries or TV Movie.  Al Pacino sounds like he got into the bourbon. Also, he’s obviously going to the same hairdresser as Annette Bening.

9:12 Another win for “Temple Grandin” star Claire Danes, who is dressed like a ride operator at Spaceship Earth in Epcot Center.

9:17 Halle Berry BITCHFACE.

9:30 Jane Lynch wins for Best Supporting Actress in a Television Series, Movie or Mini-Series and gives a predictably hilarious speech.   Lea Michelle stabs a fork into her thigh.

9:36 Robert Pattinson presents Best Foreign Film with what I think is a giant glittered Christmas tree ornament.    I think buried somewhere in that dress is Olivia Wilde. They look like they got lost on their way to film the “Girl For All Seasons” finale number from Grease 2.

9:40 Laura Linney wins for Best Actress in A Barely Watchable Unfunny Show, but gets the last laugh on everyone for being smart enough to skip this shitty show. Sucks for her, because she misses a chance to kiss Blair Underwood. He humbly accepts in her absence and Lea Michelle screams “GODDAMMIT WHEN ARE YOU PEOPLE GOING TO RECOGNIZE HOW AMAZING I AM!!”

9:46 Jane Fonda takes the stage,  having cracked into the archives of her old “Barbarella” wardrobe, which is the only way to explain what the hell she’s wearing. It’s like a prom dress from an episode of “Buck Rogers”.

9:49 Jeremy Irons’ psycho-eyed presentation for “Best Supporting Actress in a Drama” is more terrifying than all the meth heads in “Winter’s Bone”. He clearly has not gotten the memo about all this charming, affable British humor going on lately.  Melissa Leo wins. Helena Bonaham Carter’s reaction face is priceless.  Either she completely spaced out and forgot why she came here and did this to her hair or a rhino just walked by her and farted.  Melissa leaves the stage and Jeremy slinks off to eat the bones of a muggle.

9:53 Every reaction shot of Steve Buscemi looks more pissed off than the next. He looks angrier after he wins for Best Actor in a Drama Series. I half expect him to leap on to the stage and start screaming “I’m the only one acting like a professional here!!” because that’s seriously what this show needs.

9:56Yet another person thanks Marky Mark. This is a sure sign of the Apocalypse, which is exactly how they described it in all those “Left Behind” books. If he gets one more gratuitous shout out, dark clouds are going to take over the skies of Los Angeles and we’re all going to be wishing we had watched a few more of those Joel Osteen shows.

9:59 Matt Damon refers to Robert Deniro as the “Greatest Actor Alive”.  Al Pacino says “fuck you” and takes another swig of bourbon.  Deniro gets a shorter retrospective career montage than Jim Carrey got at the MTV Movie Awards.

10:12 Look at Megan Fox trying to sound out big words.  She’s terrified if she moves her face too much her cheeks will fall out.

10:17 This is the most boring awards show in the history of time. The annual podiatrist convention in Wichita had more minute for minute laughs. I think I would rather watch a lengthy PowerPoint presentation on the the importance of orthopedic shoes than suffer through the horrible banter of Jimmy Kimmel and January Jones.

10:19 Glee wins for best comedy.  Lea Michelle claws her way to the top of the stage and warns everyone if they stand in front of her, she’ll eat their eyeballs.

10:24 I firmly believe Alicia Keyes is way crazier than Natalie Portman’s character in “Black Swan”.

10:26 Johnny Depp is up against Johnny Depp for Best Actor, Comedy or Musical. Something tells me Johnny Depp is always engaged in a life or death struggle with Johnny Depp…for control of his sanity and self-bronzing abilities. His face looks like the inside of a basketball. The cartoon lizard character in his new movie “Rango” looks less weird than the actual Johnny Depp.  Remember when he wasn’t trying  to make himself look like Tom Waits?  In one of the best upsets of the night, Paul Giamatti wins this award.  Suck it, Weird Hair Who I Still Want to Sleep With.

10:35 Jeff Bridges announces the least surprising award ever, Best Actress in a Drama.  Natalie Portman is dressed like a mother in the Harper Valley PTA chaperoning the spring formal.   She makes a big deal of pointing how sexually attracted her boyfriend was to her when they first met. Gross. And no.  Please, a blind man in a coma would be attracted to Natalie Portman.

10:48 Best Actor in a Drama. Colin Firth says this award is the only thing saving him from buying a Harley.  The visual image of Mr. Darcy tooling around on a Fat Boy is the best thing to come out of this whole night.

10:52 On to the evening’s much teased big surprise: Michael Douglas is alive. For this, he gets two minutes of applause at an awards ceremony.  If I ever beat something as horrible as cancer, there better be a trip to Tahiti chaperoned by nude Australian rugby players. Sitting through three hours of boring acceptance speeches should be a punishment for treasonous war crimes.

10:57 FINALLY Best Motion Picture, Drama.  Big surprise, it’s “The Social Network”. All 7 billion people who have joined Facebook take to the stage to accept, except for the film’s actual star, Jessie Eisenberg. He probably doesn’t want to be onstage when it collapses and kills everyone.   I didn’t pay attention to their acceptance speeches, because I was on Facebook bragging about how much beer I drank during the last part of the show.

Next up, the SAG Awards, and we all get to find out what flower Natalie Portman will applique onto her chest for the next award she accepts.