Put on your sparkly gowns and beehive wigs everyone, because it’s Motown week! I have to say, this is a genre that seemed to suit everyone, because there really weren’t any standout stinkers this week. Seriously, everyone did a pretty good job, and that says a lot coming from me. BUT! That being said, some people did way better than others. Let’s discuss in depth, shall we?

First up, the standouts. By leaps and bounds, the person who did the best job tonight was Jacob, illegitimate love child of Beyonce and Antony from Antony and the Johnsons (Google it). He performed “You’re All I Need to Get By,” and seriously, he straight up BLEW IT OUT OF THE PARK, and he did so without his usual nonstop vocal fireworks. I didn’t necessarily think this before, but now for sure I think Jacob is a major contender to win this whole thing.

Apparently Kirsten Dunst thought so too, since she was rocking out in the audience in a major way to his song. Speaking of which, was it just me, or were there an abnormal number of celebrities in the audience tonight? Kirsten Dunst, Liv Tyler, Jennifer Beals, Gordon Ramsay. Total B-list celeb night! (Also, side note: did anyone else notice Jennifer Lopez pretending to sing along with the song during Jacob’s performance and totally botching the words? It was on for like a split second before they cut away, but I saw it, and it was AWESOME!)

So yeah, Jacob did great. Another person who impressed me tonight was Thia, who I thought did a good job coming out of her “all ballad all the time” shell with a fun rendition of “Heat Wave” that was upbeat and cute. The judges, however, didn’t seem to agree with me, giving her a lukewarm endorsement, which brings me to my major gripe from the evening: I felt like they were being a little unfair in their critique of Thia. In my opinion, Haley and Lauren both did worse jobs with their screechmoanstravaganzas, yet the judges totally gave both of them glowing reviews while shutting Thia out. I dunno, I’m not a foil hat-wearing conspiracy theorist, and admittedly I’ve been rooting for Thia since day 1, but I feel like maybe the producers are trying to ice her out or something.

Anyway! My third favorite of the night was…GASP…Scotty. I know this is going to sound weird coming from me, since I haven’t been a huge fan of his in the past, but I have to say he did a good job of tackling Motown while still doing his deep-voiced country thing. Don’t get me wrong, I still can’t stand his smug mug or weird mic-holding stance, but all in all, I think Scotty done did a good job this week.

Speaking of weird tics, Paul also did a pretty good job this week with Smokey Robinson’s “The Tracks of My Tears.” Not the best performance of the night by any means, but he did a good job of picking a song that suits his creepy whispervoice and he stayed largely stationary and flail-free for the duration of the song. So, good job to you too, Paul. I still think your teeth are way too white for any normal human being, though.

Now, on to the not-so-goods. Like I said, nobody was TERRIBLE this week, but I thought Stefano’s performance of “Hello” by Lionel Richie was a tad on the boring side. Way too down-tempo and belty. I want to see him do something more upbeat, like a fast hip hop song or something, instead of his usual high school talent show ballads. I have to say though, I did think it was pretty messed up how the judges gave him his bad critique and then immediately after, Ryan had Gordon Ramsay taste Stefano’s mom’s cooking and call it garbage. A bit excessive, don’t you think? They might as well have kicked Stefano’s childhood puppy while tapdancing on his grandma’s grave too.

Pia also served up a pretty boring ballad (Balling? Borllad?), which was vocally good but pretty unremarkable performance-wise. My complaint with her performance was the same one I had with Stefano’s in that she keeps doing the same showboaty talent show songs each week. Switch it up, girl! She should do something really out of the box next week, like “Tik Tok” or something. Wouldn’t that be awesome? (EVEN BETTER! They should do a whole Ke$ha week! Hey, a boy can dream, can’t he?)

Let’s see…who else was bad this week? As usual, Casey gave a performance that the judges loved but personally creeped me out. Why does he always have to make extended eye contact with the camera?! And why does he always have to scream so angrily?! Scary stuff, man.

Naima’s performance was… interesting. I mean, it wasn’t bad by any means, but it was a bit schizophrenic. Just like her “Umbrella” performance, she did a weird ethnic dance break in the middle of the song that kinda didn’t jive with the song at all. I mean, I can appreciate a dance break, for sure, but maybe try to work it in a bit better? I dunno, it seemed a bit…forced, like inserting a krumping break into “The Greatest Love of All” or something.

So yeah, that was Motown week! If it were up to me, I’d put Jacob, Thia, and Scotty in the top. However, while Jacob and Scotty are for sure going to be safe because the judges and the audience absolutely love them, I actually think Thia is going to be in the bottom. I just feel like the judges don’t really believe in her, and she doesn’t have the standout fireworks or quirkiness to make her stick in minds of the general public. Hopefully Haley and Lauren will join her in the bottom three though, and one of them gets voted off instead, because my patience for both of them is wearing mighty thin. Casey is obviously safe, since America loves him, and I think Paul, James, and Naima will make it too. Though who knows, a lot of this show doesn’t seem to be really based on talent (shocker, I know), so any of these jerks could make it into the top 10. We’ll have to wait till tomorrow and see! Please don’t kick off Thia, guys!