By Rebecca Rose

Last night’s Idol brought us the Top 12 girls, with the last episode before the audience gets to vote to decide who makes it to the finals.

J-Lo showed up looking overly glittered, as usual.  As far as I can tell, she has two modes of styling:  Massive amounts of hair extensions flowing wildly around her face and nude lips or hair pulled back so severely it makes her face look like Katherine Helmund in “Brazil” with electric red lips.  These are literally the only two things her stylist knows how to do with her.



For most of the episode, Steven Tyler/”S-Ty” (yes, it will catch on) looks like he forgot to turn his hearing aid on and is just winging these critiques, based on his glowing reaction to some truly horrific performances. Ryan Seacrest comes out and babbles something about everyone “singing for their lives” which is bizarrre, and makes me wonder if they have some sort of firing squad waiting backstage for the losers.  Yes, contestants! Don’t mess up the words to ‘Breakaway’ or we’ll drown you in this vat of acid!!!

First off is Ta-Tynisa Wilson doing Rihanna’s “Only Girl In The World”.  MY EARS!!!  AHHH.  She sounds like a drunk sorority girl on Karaoke night during Homecoming week. Also, WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THE SCREAMING?  So if you can’t sing, JUST SCREAM THE SONG AS LOUD AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE?  It is not “Loud Idol”, OK?  Contestants need to stop doing this. (James Durbin, I am looking at you…with my ears covered in case you start screaming again.) J-Lo and S-Ty inexplicably pretend to like this.  J-Lo’s glowing review of this performance is conclusive scientific proof of how much she hates Rihanna.

Naima Adedapo sings “Summertime”. Ha!  Take that Fantasia.  It’s good if a bit underwhelming. What’s not underwhelming is Naema’s dress from the Big Bird Prom Wear collection.

This thing is truly amazing.  It looks like what Imelda Marcus would wear if she were playing Heather Locklear’s part on Melrose Place.

Next up is Kendra Chantelle doing an unnecessary Christina Aguillera song.  It’s so boring, I don’t remember a single note of it.

Next up is the single most baffling thing you will ever see on television this year.  This is more confusing than the season finale of “Fringe”.  Rachel Zevita attempts to sing Fiona Apple’s “Criminal”.  It sounds like an awesome idea, except no.

She does this, for some reason:

There is no possible rational explanation for why you would do this to poor Fiona Apple. Also, if you’re going to do a dramatic costume reveal under a cape, it sure as hell better be something sexier than a tacky little TJMaxx dress.   S-Ty calls her “too Broadway”. That makes sense considering the last show he saw on Broadway was probably two homeless guys arguing over a cigarette butt.

Karen Rodriguez tackles Mariah Carey’s “Hero”, and does half of it in Spanish, half in Celine Dionese, complete with crazed chest thump.

Lauren Turner amazes with “Seven Day Fool” by Etta James.   Randy compares her to Amy Winehouse. (Umm.  Thanks?) She gives one of the best performances of the night.  Unfortunately, she does it dressed like this:

Note to Idol stylists:  NO ONE LOOKS GOOD IN THIS LOOK. NO ONE.  HEIDI KLUM COULD NOT PULL THIS OFF. PLEASE COME TO YOUR SENSES AND STOP DOING THIS TO INNOCENT PEOPLE.

Ashthon Jones does a boring version of Monica’s “Love All Over Me” and it’s mostly forgettable.  Maybe Rachel was on to something by draping herself with a ridiculous cape and doing her worst Liza Minelli, because at least it was memorable.

Julie Zorrilla decides that Kelly Clarkson’s “Breakaway”, a song people have heard 12,000,000,000 times is a unique choice for her.  Also, here’s a picture of what she looks like in her performance outfit:

 

Haley Reinhart takes on Alicia Keys’ “Fallin” and it is really terrible, mostly because she dances like a fish flopping on dry ground.  She’s attempting something “sexy” (ugh), but it’s about as sexy as catching your grandmother plucking her nose hair in her underwear.

Finally something amazing. Teenage sensation Thia Megilla does Irene Cara’s “Out Here On My Own”, from Fame.  I love it, mostly because I loved it when she sang it in Fame 25 years ago.
Thia does a great job with it (compare for yourself)


Irene Cara, 1980

Lauren Alaina gives what’s probably the best performance of the night. She’s 15 and sings Reba McEntire’s “Turn On the Radio. This girl is a lock for the Top 10, if not the finals. Randy points out that she can tackle R&B and Country. Then for some reason, she feels the need to call Ryan “Peaches” which is just all kinds of wrong. She says that it’s because he’s from Georgia. Also, she calls her friend from Texas “Barbecue”, her friend from New Orleans is “Gumbo” and her friend from Chicago is “Hot Dog With A Bunch of Crazy Shit Like Cucumbers and Tomatoes and Other Stuff You’d Never Think Of Piled All Over It For Some Reason”.

Pia Toscano sings the Pretenders song, “I’ll Stand By You”. The beginning is shhaaaaaky, but she finishes big and of course she’s going to make it to the finals because she looks like Teri Hatcher circa 1991.

This is the order I am putting them in:

1. Lauren A.
2. Thia
3. Pia
4. Naema
5. Other Lauren
6. Sanjaya
7-9. A bunch of other people I can’t even remember
10. Rachel, if she’s not murdered by Fiona Apple before the results show.

Thursday night is RESULTS NIGHT! Until then!!