Old! That’s how this episode made me feel! This week, the idol hopefuls had to perform songs from the year of their birth, and most of them were born well after I was a conscious human being making concrete memories. I don’t like this concept one bit! But anyway, how did they do? Let’s find out.

Mostly, they were pretty awkward, right? This week it seemed like nobody was really one hundred percent comfortable with the songs they sang. Maybe it was because of the constraints of having to pick songs from the year they were born, since most of the contestants, it turns out, were born in pretty crappy years for music. That being said, some people performed better than others.

Thia Megia didn’t do too badly, despite choosing “Colors of the Wind,” which is such a schmaltzy crapfest. (Also, SHE WAS BORN IN 1995! Shoot me now I might as well be put in a home!) I really enjoy her voice, regardless of the judges being lukewarm on her performance this week. It has a certain raspy/jazzy quality that I find pleasant. Yay Thia! Not the best of the night, but definitely good enough to make it through in my opinion.

Stefano Langone and Pia Toscano also did good jobs tonight. Stefano chose “If You Don’t Know Me By Now,” and Pia picked “Where Do Broken Hearts Go.” Despite, again, choosing incredibly cheesy songs to sing, both of them managed to leave their mark and showcase their vocals in an impressive way. For this challenge, with them being forced to sing crappy songs form the late 80’s, I would say that’s the best they could hope for. Also, Pia’s white jumpsuit was FABULOUS. She looked like a sparkly shiny “RuPaul’s Drag Race” dream.

Begrudgingly, Scotty performed well again this week with another boring country twangfest. He’s also obviously one of the fan favorites, so he’s going to stay for sure. Lauren Alaina also did a surprisingly good job this week with a Taylor Dayne song. She very well may be winning me over, slowly but surely! Also, how freaking old are her parents?! They seriously look like they’re 17. Babies havin’ babies, man!

Now, some not so good performances: Naima, who went first, did a pretty terrible job, right? She chose “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” and was just all over the place. It was seriously just a mess, and the judges said so in so many words. I felt bad for her, since she seems like a really nice person and I want her to do well, but I fear she may not be long for this competition. I hope I’m wrong, though!

Paul also didn’t do so hot. It may have been because he had a cold, but his rasp was at like level 1000 this week! It was seriously the sonic equivalent of listening to someone sand down a piece of balsa wood. I half expected him to cough up sawdust when he hit the high notes. Not the worst of the night, but pretty bad.

Gratifyingly for me, since I have a cold, black, and empty heart, Haley Reinhart did a terrible job this week. She did this weird jazzy version of “I’m Your Baby Tonight” that just didn’t work. It was all raspy wails and shrieks and not good. Since, as y’all know, I am very much not a fan, I hope this spells the end for her. Although, that footage of her parents performing “Black Velvet” was pretty awesome. They reminded me of that hotel band “Sausalito” from “Lost in Translation.” Y’all know what I’m talking about.

Lastly, surprisingly, Casey Abrams didn’t actually do that hot this week. He boldly/unwisely chose “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” and it just didn’t work. First off, this show is all about people showboating and showing off their vocal chops, so a song that’s essentially loud guttural screams for 3 minutes straight just isn’t really the best choice. Also, homeboy already has some rage issues that come out when he sings, so this song really highlighted how creepy he can look. I seriously felt like he was going to put down the bass guitar, reach through the television, and strangle me with his bare hands or something. (Also, we learned this week that he has old parents, which explains SO MUCH MORE about his personality. Seriously, kids with older parents are invariably weirder than your average bear, and typically love to wear zip-up cotton sweaters. For real, it’s a scientific fact.)

So yeah, those were the standout highs and lows. A few other people like James, Karen, and Jacob did perfectly middle of the road jobs that neither stood out nor were bad enough to get them sent home. That is, unless they were so average as to be completely forgettable, therefore causing nobody to vote for them. That’s why in a way, it’s almost better to be terrible than to be average in this competition (See: Sanjaya). I think they’re safe though.

We’ll see who gets the boot tomorrow! My bet is for Pia, Stefano, and Scotty to be in the top, and Naima, Paul, and Haley to be in the bottom, since they royally effed up this week. Who knows though! Maybe one of the forgettables will go home. Stranger things have happened! We’ll just have to see.