Whoa.  What a wild, insane night on American Idol.  I’m not even sure what exactly went down, but it was completely bizarre, and I’m not sure I want to go through something like that again.

I’m speaking of course of the mind boggling Marc Antony appearance. He looks like Skeletor after a prolonged spray-tan session.


“Hi, it’s me, Skeletor.  I was just at your salon today.  Umm, I’m looking at my complexion, and you said the intenisty would diminish after a couple of hours, and well…I am not seeing that. I am looking really, really orange here.  I am deeply concerned about this, you see I have a battle with He-Man at the top of Greyskull Mountain in about a two hours, and well, She-ra’s probably going to be there and, and…well, this just isn’t going to look good, you know. I’m wondering if there’s a lotion or a cream or something you can recommend?”

Marc is there to give Charlie Sheen a run for his money teach the contestants to use a device that let’s the singer hear the playback, which can make or break a live-performer.  Apparently, Fox just dumped these pricey devices onto the contestant pool without so much as an explanation on how to properly use them. “Here you go, you filthy savages.  Good luck figuring these out before show time. Hahahahah!” So along comes Marc Antony to save the day.  There is no one at Fox who can do this? J-Lo’s husband is now filling in for the tech crew? Anyway, he babbles incoherently about runs around like a rabbit overdosing on Ritalin. 

Then, after Marc Antony spends all day teaching them how to not sing off key and out of harmony, they proceed to butcher “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”.  And there’s Stevie Wonder, too!  He rocks out a killer version of “Signed, Sealed and Delivered”.  But no matter what, every time I see him on the keyboards, all I can think of is the time he guested on The Cosby Show, aka the Greatest Sitcom Appearance Ever.  If the contestants had all just donned big, colorful sweaters, this would have been truly perfect.

Then, Stevie Wonder calls out for S-Ty, (who he calls “Steven Taylor”), and sings “Happy Birthday” to him.  S-Ty looks stunned, mostly because he is a 187 years old and is probably shocked that he is still alive.  J-Lo looks confused and bewildered, because she no longer understands that birthdays can be celebrated without corporate sponsorships or giant parties at P-Diddy’s house in Miami, heralded in by Navy Jets screeching overhead and 1200 fireworks going off spelling her name. Poor, poor, sad Steven, she thinks, no one should have to celebrate a birthday with a blind man singing some sad old song and no Navy Jets and no Ciroc logos splattered everywhere.

Also, I seriously cannot believe that it takes 50 people to do that to Jennifer Lopez’s face (according to tabloid reports).  She looks likes she let two blind clowns finger paint her face at a state fair.  What does it take 50 people to do?  No, I’m serious about this. I’ve been trying to figure this out for weeks.   John Goodman wouldn’t need that much help becoming the drag version of Angelina Jolie.  How much work is there to do on one person’s face??  Let’s say she  has one person to her eyebrows…that’s complicated work, a person’s brows. So maybe that person has an assistant, to do things the Brow Person feels is beneath them.  So that’s 2.  Maybe she has a seperate eye lash person, to help attach those tarantula tentacles that are imported from the seventh moon of Saturn.  Maybe that person has an assiant.  That’s 4.  Her lips are either nude or BRIGHTFIREENGINERED  so seriously, how much work can that take?  That’s 1 person.  Let’s say she has a specialist to help her with her skin…that’s one person for the skin, maybe another 2 people to do the foundation and get her the perfect shade of honey mocha, so as not to upstage her husband, DayGlo Skeletor.  That’s  10 people.

What in the hell do the other forty people do? Are they there as emergency backups for the others? In case J-Lo becomes enraged by the shimmer on her eyeshadow and murders one of them?  Are they just an endless expendable chain of Make-up Slaves, their lives spent in servitude, ensuring that her face never looks blemished or improperly contoured?

Then it’s time for another horrendous Ford car  commercial.  Oh look, they’re recycling!  Aren’t those kids amazing, all they care about is the environment and wearing flowered galoshes.  Being green and saving the environment is awesome, so long as we can do it set to a catchy pop tune and make lots of money for Ford off of it.

Then something called Sugarland performs.  Apparently they are a country music act, which doesn’t explain why the lead singer is dressed like one of the lesser known members of “Jem and The Holograms”.

Idol decides to share some useless information that apparently Paul and James like to wrestle.  Unless you are an old gay man who hasn’t been out of the house in awhile, this is completely boring to you.  This is what happens when you stretch 5 minutes of information into a 60 minute show.  You have to watch a montage of two idiots breaking chairs and hitting each other over the head with things.  At this point I would like to remind you that this show gets about 25 million viewers nightly.

Then the producers decide that it’s 1985 again, and in a bit of inexplicable decision making, Hulk Hogan steps out to deliver the news to James and Paul.  According to a friend of mine on Facebook, Hogan is “the world’s oldest living suitcase”.  He does some ridiculous WWE banter/schtick that might have been slightly amusing back in the Pleistocene era when he started doing this, but now it just looks awakward and unfunny.  He fake slaps Seacrest and tosses him out into the poor audience, which now has Seacrest all over their nice outfits they wore to be on TV for 5 seconds when the camera pans over them.

Can we talk about Jennifer Hudson’s performance?  She’s amazing.  I want to devour her. She looks incredible, and her voice sounds ridiculously good.  This performance was jaw dropping.  She is the best thing this show ever produced, period. 

In between all of this, of course, are the moments of prolonged fake psych-out torture that AI’s producers are so giddy fond of.
This is where things get rough. 

Stefano and Thia end up in the bottom two.  This makes sense if you really think about the performances they gave.  They gave performances that weren’t necessarily bad, they were just forgettable, aka The Idol Kiss of Death.  You can’t not stand out at this point, and that’s what the two of them did.  Stefano bored with a lackluster performance of “Hello”, a truly mystifying choice considering the catalouge he had from which to select songs.  And Thia’s performance of “Heat Wave” was dreary and a bit muddled.  Both of them can do better.

But the real shocker was what came next. Haylee, Naima, and Casey get called up to hear their results.   Naima, still possessed by the dark soul of Dolly Parton, is victoriously safe to don yet another crazy outfit and make incomprehensible statements next week.  Hailee seems like the no-brainer to end up with Thia and Stefano; she hasn’t given a star-making performance yet, and she’s been in the bottom every week thus far.  But, no, because America smokes crack or something, Casey is inexplicably in the bottom three.

This is one of those classic Idol “WTF!” moments that everyone should expect to see coming. This happens all the time; when a top contender ends up in the bottom, either from lack of support from an audience who thinks they don’t need it, or because of a lackluster performance.  Ruben was almost voted off in Season 2, and favorites like Chris Daughtery, Carrie Underwood and more have also come close.

It’s like watching one a movie where your favorite character dies.  “This can’t be happening!”  “It’s so unfair!!!” and you scream and hit rewind on the DVR because you just can’t believe they would actually do this.  But no, Casey’s going home.  Ryan tells him he has one last shot to sing for his life (seriously, RuPaul’s Drag Race does this so much better).

But that’s when things go completely batshitcrazy.  Randy demands for the music to stop, because he now has some Secret Overlord Puppeteer powers we never knew of before.  The judges demand for this to stop. J-Lo is furious with America for this decision, but she’s familiar with America’s shortsightedness, because how else would you explain the failure of “The Back Up Plan”.  Obviously, America doesn’t know what it’s doing.  Sometimes America can’t think for itself.  Sometimes America wants to watch things like “When Animals Attack:4” and “Busted on the Job!” and you have to tell it no, that’s silly and make it watch Mad Men or 30Rock.    This is one of those times.

This is why I kind of like Casey.  He was ready to politely sing his song, thank the judges and America for this opportunity, and go back to his hometown, where he could build a nice career off his AI fame, doing shows at colleges and bars that would give him free beer in exchange for playing time.  Life was going to be sweeeet.

But the Mighty Judge’s Save changed all that.  The judges, only 3 episodes in, decide to grant Casey their one save.  This prompts what I can only describe as a light stroke in the poor young thing.  He breaks down like Halle Berry at the Oscars, crying and thanking every single person he can get his hands on.  He’s legitimately can’t believe they would their save this early, and especially not on him.  Humility. How refreshing.

Join us next week to see if Casey can keep the momentum alive and earn his own place in the top.  Until then!

RR