By Rebecca Rose

This week starts off at Model Headquarters, with the girls eyeing Molly’s picture enviously.  The word“Sextational!” as Nigel declared it, is scrawled in big red letters across it, which means that we now have a new word to add to last week’s Top Model Translator.

Tyra shows up dressed like a giant yellow Chef Boyardee (what is with yellow this week??), and introduces her Nutritionist, Heather Bauer and a lesson about healthy eating.  Heather came up with something called “Cheaties”.  “Cheaties”, in turns out, are things that all models treat themselves to like heroin pasta.

Later on, some raw chicken in a bowl causes a hysterical fit between Dalya and Alexandria who barks “I know about chicken. I am 21! I know about chicken.. I am 21.” over and over again, as though a mystic knowledge of poultry were magically bestowed on you when you turn 21.  Ah, yes. I remember the day I turned 21 and the village elders came to me to reveal the ancient secrets of how to deep fry a turkey.  Because chicken knowledge is just not something you are ready for at 20. Oh no, my friends.  That is a rite of passage, to know how to put chicken in a bowl and cover it with aluminum foil.

Next up are the most annoying five minutes on television this year.  The girls go to an acting class and are asked to think about how it feels to be attacked or criticized, and then draw a picture of their feelings.  OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.  If you think that’s bad,  the acting coach (who’s something like a cross between Phil Hartman’s classic crackpot acting coach and Alfred Molina), plays their inner voice while they cry and yell at their pictures.  If I hated you, I would describe more of this.

Ondrei (pronounced  “Ahn-dray”) shares a horrible story about the death of her brothers, one of which died before her Prom. The inner voice exercise dredges up more uncomfortable feelings about her brothers’ deaths and soon she’s retreating from the group and spending a lot of time making sad phone calls back home.  She is getting the “I Don’t Want To Be Here” edit, which means she’s probably going home tonight.

You know, Tyra is really dangerous when she starts running out of ideas.  It’s not enough for her to take some nice pictures of pretty girls in a studio, with a nice safe backdrop behind them.   Models generally do harmlessly weird things like wear nine giant diamond rings on one hand or stand on one foot with their handbags balanced on their heads.  Not in Tyra’s World.  In Tyra’s World, it’s not modeling unless you’re strung up 500 ft in the air, upside down, blindfolded, juggling poison-tipped daggers and wearing nothing but 50 live rattlesnakes wrapped around their body.  You can’t be afraid! The Jays are always screaming. Because you have to understand, a model could be called upon to do anything.  This is what model have to go through!!! scream the Jays. No, this is what performers in the Jim Rose Circus Sideshow have to go through.

These week’s Torture Du Jour involves putting a bunch of bees all over the models.  BEES.     For their makeup, the girls are decked out in black lipstick and weird random black strips on their face.  They look like extras in a Marilyn Manson video.

There is about 20 minutes of girls talking about how they are freaking out and how they don’t want to be scared and blah blah blah but no because BEES!

Here is some footage of their shoot:

OMG AMAZING. SO HIGH FASHION.

At Judge’s Panel, Ondrei delivers the dreaded “I Don’t Feel Right Being Here” speech to Tyra, who summarily sends her packing. But, she warns the other contestants,  if Ondrei didn’t have the worst picture..SOMEONE ELSE WILL BE GOING HOME.  At panel, model Alex Wek and Nigel Barker tell at least three different people they have to own their face, their eyes and their neck.  I was not aware that I did not own my neck.

Hannah, Kasia, Mikaela, and Monique deliver strong pictures, although with her delightfully quirky face of freckles, I personally think Dominique’s photo is mesmermerizing.

Kasia


Mikaela


Monique



Dominique

I think we’re going to try a new segment here on these recaps, a sort of best of the worst” of Tyra’s utterly unintelligible so-called “advice”.  This week gives us two gems:

“If you don’t take control of your face, it will take control of you” Unless your face is a runaway freight train or a demonically possessed young child, then I’m pretty sure you don’t need to worry about this.

“We are feeling your insides come to the outside” So modelling is like….vomiting? What? Seriously, Tyra makes Charlie Sheen sound like Immanuel Kant.

Hannah wins Best Photo with Brittany winning runner-up.


Hannah

That leaves Nicole and Dalya to duke it out for last place because, surprise, Ondrei didn’t have the worst picture in the group.  But Nicole’s sent packing which leaves Dalya safe to rail against the dangers of Salmonella for another week.

Next week….IT’S MAKEOVER TIME!!! YES!  This is always crack to me.  Who will cry when they have to cut 2” of hair off??  Who will get a horrible weave that looks like a carpet in a Ramanda Inn??  Who will turn out looking most like Miss Jay????

See you next for all the answers!