It’s time for the Most Important Entertainment Event of All Time. Yes, it’s finally here!!!

Charlie Sheen’s Apocalyptic Celebrity Meltdown is the greatest thing to happen to me in my lifetime. From calling the hit show that made him a kabillionaire a “pukefest that everybody worships“, to taking vacations in the tropics his an army of porn star “goddesses” and his wife, Charlie has made his mark on my very soul.  Charlie Sheen isn’t just my favorite Celebrity Gone Wild…HE IS MY FREAKING GURU.  I would follow him to the ends of the Earth, burn all my possessions and sit naked in the desert, bowing to a straw effigy of him and chanting “WINNING WINNING” over and over.  I am so there.

Before we get started, here’s a selection of my favorite Charlie Sheen quotes thus far. Please vote in the comments for which one I should get as a tattoo (or suggest your own favorite!):

I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air

If they want me in it, it’s a smash. If they don’t, it’s a turd that opens on a tugboat.

There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.

I am special, and I will never be one of you!

We work for the Pope, we murder people. We’re…Vatican Assassin Warlocks. Boom.

Thomas Jefferson….was a pussy.

Or just simply….Winning

I’ve been “Sheening” this whole time. Nothing can stop me or this live-blog. This live-blog is winning.  Boom. Let’s get to it.

From Charlie Sheen’s new Twitter! YES HE’S ON TWITTER NOW


9:00 “I am on a drug called Charlie Sheen.  It will melt your face.”

9:05 In the first 2 minutes, Charlie has said he’s drug free and a Vatican warlock assassin and he is drug that will melt your face.  And he passed a drug test.  FIRST TWO MINUTES.

9:08 Charlie’s interviewer from 20/20 looks like a contestant from “The Bachelor”.  That’s not a joke.

9:10 MEL GIBSON REACHED OUT TO HIM? MEL GIBSON???? Please tell me Oksana Grigorieva recorded that!!!!!!!!

9:11 “Dying is for fools.”  “I expose people to magic I expose them to something they are never going to see in their boring lives.”

From Spencer: “I was banging seven rocks”  I want to marry this man!

9:12 There is a fucking “Bambi” commercial during this.  What target audience do they expect to reach with this???  Right now some Disney executive is firing everyone in their DVD marketing division.

9:15 Kacey Jordan interview!! Now we get to hear about the night he went totally batshitcrazy.

9:17 “I was born dead.”  Of course you were, Charlie.     “…Swiping his dad’s credit card to buy a hooker.” In high school!  OF COURSE.

9:20 This flashback-y bio video is like the cokehead version of “Pride of the Yankees”.

9:22 Drinking game!  Anytime they play the cheesy faux dance music and blurry jumpy handheld video to intimate that he’s “partying hard” take a shot!!!

9:24 “I don’t sleep…I wait.”  To do tons of coke and have sex with porn stars.

9:27 Do you know why Charlie Sheen has been up at 5:30 am?  Because he hasn’t been to sleep in 9 days.   HE IS WINNING, AMERICA.

Bachelorette Interviewer asks “What gets you up in the morning?”  Cocaine and the fact that he hasn’t slept in days.

“They’re the best at what they do and I’m the best at what I do.  And together it’s like, it’s on. Sorry, Middle America. Yeah, I said it….we just win.”

9:32 “Hey, kids..your dad’s a rock star.  Bang”.

From Jordan: “I don’t sleep, I wait.” Charlie has confused himself with Chuck Norris.

9:33 “What makes you good dad?”     Cocaine and the fact that he hasn’t slept in days. “That’s no one’s business”

9:40 “I’m dealing with fools and trolls.  I don’t have time for their judgment and stupidity.”  This is EXACTLY what I told my editor when he emailed me comments from my last five liveblogs.

9:43 “Basically they strapped on their diapers…”  “Are you going to sue?” “Wouldn’t you? I don’t have a job. I gotta whole family to support.  People are relying on that money…to fuel the magic.”   The magic being tons of cocaine.

9:50 I love how 20/20 throws in the obligatory rehab specialist.  “See, we didn’t do this to exploit this man’s personal crisis.  We’re trying to get people talking about ‘issues’, man.  We didn’t do this so you could revel in the hilarity of this man’s druggie breakdown. We did this so we could educate you, America.  Yeah.  YOU’RE WELCOME.”

9:53 “Tiger Blood and Adonis DNA” is the title of my profile.

9:58 What’s the most important thing for you to live for?” Besides cocaine??

9:59 “What will your tombstone say?” That’s not an interview question, she’s asking because the tombstone makers are in the middle of carving it and need an answer ASAP.

Wow.  So it’s really over?  I feel like Astronaut Dave, plunged into the darkest secrets of the monolith. My mindblown reaction to peering inside the darkest corners of Charlie Sheen:


“My God.  It’s full of stars………..And cocaine.  And porn stars.  And winning.”

Thanks for Sheening with me tonight, folks.  I am an F-18 and so are all of you.  Until the next time TMZ catches a beloved sitcom star bribing a porn star in a classy hotel room!