This week, “The Bachelor” takes it’s showcase of American desperation on the road to South Africa for some reason.  The first 15 minutes of filler are nothing but Brad packing his suitcase analyzing his oh-so-complex feelings for the three women who are left, and wondering what will happen in Africa, which  he thinks, judging by the way he packs, is somewhere outside Tampa.

I did not think this was possible, but the show is actually more annoying with less women on it. I figured once we weeded out the drama queens, loonies, wannabe rappers and the Michelles, it might start to be a little bit less aggravating. But no, it is worse.

Brad shows up dressed like a ride operator for the Disney Jungle Cruise, to meet Chantal for their “safari”.  Oh this should be good. “Is this really happening? Is this really my life?” squeals Chantal.  Funny, I say the same thing everytime I see this show.

The safari drives into a herd of sleeping lions, then parks and lets Chantal point and squeal a lot.  Wow, the producers aren’t even trying anymore to hide how much they are trying to kill Brad.  Off in the distance, you can hear them whispering “Poke it, Brad! Poke it with a stick.  Throw a rock at it! Go on!!!”  It must have been very disappointing for them to drag him all the way down here and then be denied the opportunity to see a lion rip him to shreds or watch a pack of elephants trample him to death.

Surrounded by deadly animals, poisonous plants and a treacherous river, Chantal and Brad talk about how scary finding a decent date is.  Chantal screeches “We are in South Africa!!!” literally 178 times, in case everyone forgot. “So what’s up,” Brad says “Wanna hang out? See South Africa?”  and I can’t watch any more of their date after that.

Next up is Brad’s date with Emily.  They meet in a deserted part of the jungle and then he tells her to wait, because he’s forgotten something and then runs off.  She looks genuinely terrified, probably because she knows that Brad is likely to get distracted by a bird and leave her out there to die.  He returns riding a giant elephant and Emily climbs on board, proceeding to tell the elephant her tragic story about falling in love with a race car driver who tragically died when she was pregnant leaving her tragically alone.  Except the elephant stops her and says “Yeah, actually I heard this story already like ten times.”

 

Dentist Ashley’s date with Brad is a terrifying helicopter ride through the mountains, after which they are dropped off in the middle of nowhere and left alone, which is pretty much the plot of The Most Dangerous Game.  Then Brad gives her a creepy invitation to spend the night in something called“The Fantasy Suite”, so they can talk in complete privacy because he says he knows nothing about her.  So forget that opening segment montage where he goes on and on about feeling so connected to her.   After his three dates, Brad sits with down with Chris Harrison, who seems to have scored a free trip to a foreign country for doing little more than spending five minutes talking about Brad’s feelings.

I literally do not see the point of this episode. This was the most boring thing I have ever seen in my entire life.  They flew these four people thousands of miles to another continent to have more wine and more conversations about “taking a step back”???  This was necessary because…..????  Did ABC just hand these producers a pile of money and say “Hey, we were going to just burn this in the back, so you guys can have it.”.  I mean…WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS??

They could have saved a ton of money and flew everyone down to Lion Country Safari in West Palm Beach! Seriously!  This place is so awesome, I used to go here all the time when I was a kid!

Look, they have lions!!!

 

And Zebras!!!!

 

You can feed giraffes!!!!  And sometimes the giraffe will give you a kiss! On your face!!

And they have monkeys!!

 

Lots of monkeys!!!

 

So many monkeys!!!

!

 

AND YOU CAN PLAY MINI GOLF!!

(You have no idea how hard it is to get the ball between that bird’s legs. My mom can do it in like three strokes.  She’s really good,, but it takes me A LOT longer.)



Oh and Brad dumped Ashley and now has to pick between Sad Emily and Face-Slapping Chantal.  Next week we find out who gets to pretend they actually like Brad for the post-show press tour and who’s getting their own Bachelorette franchise.

Until then…. LOOK AT THIS MONKEY!!!!