YAY!! It’s finally here! My day of freedom! Yes, The Bachelor aired its not spectacular THREE HOUR finale last night.  Yes, that’s right I said three hours. Three hours of listening to Brad talk and reflect and reminisce and share and wonder where he left his special rubber ducky best friend and  communicate and ask his mom if she knew where he left his rubber ducky and reflect some more.  Here, for the last time, is my recap of this beautiful nightmare we’ve all come to know and love, known as the Bachelor.  (I’ve done it as a Live-Journal, so my doctor can pinpoint the exact moment when I went out of my freaking mind)

 
7:00 Everyone is still in South Africa, for some reason.  Brad’s family has been dragged there too, because you can’t meet your son’s fake TV girlfriends in Texas I guess. That’s just not how it works.  Unsurprisingly, he acts like a nine year old who sees their parents for the first time after three weeks of summer camp.  I can’t believe he’s not asking them if they brought more clean underwear or some brownies to share with his friends.

7:05 OMFG BRAD HAS A TWIN.  GOD HELP US ALL THERE ARE TWO OF THEM. TWO.  WHAT DID WE DO TO THE UNIVERSE TO DESERVE THIS? WHAT COULD WE POSSIBLY HAVE DONE? IS THIS PUNISHMENT FOR POLLUTION? GLOBAL WARMING?   OH WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO SMITTEN BY YOU OH MIGHTY TELEVISION SMITING ONES.

7:07 In addition to his twin brother Chad (yes his parents did that), Brad’s family include his mother, father, his other brother Wes, who looks EXACTLY like Will Ferrel, and sisters-in-law Dylan and someone named Prima.  Prima looks completely evil.  Like she casts spells on her enemies, evil.

7:09 Commercial for crappy looking Jennifer Aniston film “The Switch”.  Do you think it’s the best idea to go with the picture of Jason Batemen looking into the sperm cup, movie marketing geniuses?  I mean really. How much thought did you put into that one.

7:12 We all want to see Brad happy, says Brad’s mother.  = “We just want him to find a woman who will help him learn his address for when he wanders off. ”

7:14 Face-slapping Chantal and her all bronzer have arrived.  From now on I will call her Orange Chantal.

7:15 Chad and Ron Burgundy interrogate Orange  Chantal about her motivations.  Fame money, a flash in the pan shot at her own shitty reality show true love, she tells them. Blah blah blah Chantal’s divorce blah blah blah she’s ready to find love again blah blah blah everyone thinks she’s really annoying outgoing.

7:20 Sad Emily’s turn to Meet the Deedles.  Jesus Christ she looks like a Barbie Doll.  The old-timey kind, before Mattel tried to smarten Barbie up and give her a career.  She looks like the Barbie who was just waiting around for Ken to give her a ring and move her into the Malibu Mansion, so she could sit around by the pool all day and try on lots of different outfits for things she’s never, ever going to do. (“Golfing Barbie” my ass).

7:28 Blah blah blah Brad’s stupid feelings blah blah blah opening up blah blah blah I need more wine because I won’t make it for another 2 ½  hours like this.

7:30 Seriously. Will Ferrel doing George Bush.  That’s what Brad’s brother Wes looks like.

7:32 OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD WE HAVE TO HEAR EMILY’S STORY AGAIN.  By now, there are people living on Neptune who know this story.

7:45 I have no idea what went on for the last 10 minutes because it involved Brad and his twin brother talking to each other and I think my brain just shut down.

7:55 Chantal and Brad’s last date before the Final Rose. Sensing that this very well may be their absolute last chance to kill Brad, ABC’s producers have now decided to fuck it all and drop him in the middle of the ocean surrounded by giant, man-eating sharks that make Jaws look like Bambi. With buckets of chum two inches from Brad’s face.  Sadly, it’s to no avail.  Brad is like the proverbial Road Runner; ABC the Coyote, perpetually trying to kill off their mortal enemy, but only punishing themselves in the process. He simply cannot be killed off.  If there were a nuclear war tomorrow, Brad would emerge from the dust and clouds yammering about how much this affects his soul searching and looking for cool mutant friends to play with.  He. Is. Never. Going. Away.

7:51 Chantal gives him a world map of all the places they’ve been together.  Which is four for those of you keeping count at home.  He calls it “incredible”. Of course.  Chantal talks about how much the journey has meant to her, making her comped stay in four-star hotels sound more tragic than the exploits of Admiral Byrd.  Yes, yes, Chantal.  Share with us the sacrifices of room service and having your dry cleaning delivered.  Oh what thou hath given.

8:02 Chantal reads a letter she wrote to Brad, expressing her true feelings for him. She calls  him “Bradley”.  Oh. Dear. God.

This is a perfect opportunity to read my letter I wrote to Brad, expressing my true feelings for him:

Bradley,

I was living a peaceful life, reviewing movies and writing about awesome shows like “Breaking Bad”.  Then, one amazing day, my world changed forever.  I thought I could come in to your world and write a few snappy lines about your abs, your hair and your dullard wit without any consequence to my psychological well-being whatsoever.  Oh how foolish I was.  Look what we’ve shared together for these many weeks.  Think about all the wonderful memories of your inanity.  And the times I compared you to a brain-damaged monkey. How many, many times did ABC try to murder you, by throwing you off cliffs, making you drive 200mph in a race car you weren’t skilled enough to handle, by making you rappel down the side of a skyscraper….good times, Brad.  Good times.   We’ve shared so much.  I feel like I have learned and grown and become far more hateful of television executives and the general public at large, just from knowing you.  I will cherish you until I erase you from my mind forever with booze and drugs.

Yours always,

Becky Rose

8:15 I feel like I could just take a nap here for a little while, because I literally cannot detect one single important thing that is happening on my television set.  It is like this entire finale is little more than one of those fake aquarium DVDs you get in some shitty Christmas grab bag at work.  It’s all very pretty and nice, but it’s little more than an 20 minute loop of the same, boring fish doing the same boring things over and over and over again.

 

Hmm.  This sure is a big decision.  It could affect my whole life, forever and ever.  Do I pick the Sugar SMACKS or the Lucky Charms?  I really like Sugar SMACKS.  Plus the frog is so cool.  He can talk and everything. I wish I had a froggie that could talk.  I would name him “Bob”.  Or “Alan”.  Alan is a good name for a frog.  But Bob sounds easier to remember. Uh-oh.  Now I have another decision to make.  Life is really, really hard.


8:31 UGH THIS IS STILL GOING ON. WHEN WILL IT FINALLY BE OVER.  I feel like when I was a kid and mother dragged me to Sears to help her pick out things I didn’t care  about like new drapes from den.  All I wanted to do was sit and wait for MTV to play another INXS video, but instead I had to spend my Saturday in the crappy upholstery section while my mother struggled over ”Pink” or the “Light pink” ones for an hour and a half. I want to scream “JUST PICK ONE ALREADY”.  That is what I want to do Brad.  I just want to scream and tell him to end this already.  This choice between Orange Chantal and Sad Barbie Emily is pretty much the marriage equivalent of a coin toss.  With heads, you get pink lip gloss and lots of talks about overcoming diversity.  With tails, you get self tanner and talks about overcoming challenges.  It makes no difference either way.  So why are we being tortured like this?

8:50 Now that I think about it…. I wonder if Brad’s twin is the evil twin? He does have darker hair, a very clear indication of Evil Twin-ness. Did they find out at birth that one twin had the “good genes” and the other had the “bad genes”?  Did his mother still love her child and want to raise it, despite it’s obvious tendencies for evil?  Did she have to raise him chained to the basement wall, throwing fish heads through some secret hole, to help him survive, terrified that one day the monster would escape and unleash his evil upon the world?  What if one day, the doctor that birthed twins Brad and Chad called her up to reveal a shocking secret that *GASP* it was Brad all along who was the real evil twin, and not Chad at all!! That would explain so much! Is that why Chad is here on this show, now? To stop his brother from unleashing more dastardly evil upon the world?  Like another “Coming Up Next” montage??? Are Chad and his mother the only ones who know this horrible dark secret…or are there more people, determined to stop Brad before he does more horrific damage to the world, like another talk about his therapist.  Perhaps someone working at ABC knows.   IS THAT WHY ABC HAS BEEN TRYING TO KILL BRAD THIS WHOLE TIME?  My God.  Everything makes so much sense to me now.

Oh yeah, he picked Sad Barbie Emily and made Orange Chantal cry her sad orange tears and talk about how she deserves to be loved or something.  I shielded my eyes from the screen at the end, because I am not paid enough to watch Brad make out with anyone, ever. Period.

OK that’s it for me.  Two months of Xanax jokes in the can, and now I’m ready for a nice long vacation.  At least until the next hateful television executive runs out of ideas and decides to unleash another season of misery upon a weary public.  In which case, I will be there, snarking and complaining about how much I hate everything. Just for you.

Thanks to all the readers!!

RR