Are you ready, guys? Time to steel our resolve and kick off two of our beloved contestants. But first, there’s a whole useless hour of television to watch! Seriously, these elimination shows could be like 30 minutes tops without all the endorsements and terrible performances. But then where would they get the money for Steven Tyler’s weekly embalming sessions? (Speaking of Steven, am I the only one who finds all those “Steven is so hot!” signs being held up in the audience a little hard to believe? Nobody in their right mind still thinks Steven Tyler is a sex symbol, except maybe ladies in their late forties with rose tattoos on their boobs, of which I don’t see many in the audience.)

Anyway, after the dramatic intro that promises that I “won’t believe who goes home” (yes I will), the show begins in earnest. This time, instead of one big contestant performance, they broke things up into smaller groups. First up were Lauren and Scotty who performed a little country ditty that was pretty alright, although Lauren needs to work on not looking so dead in the eyes when she sings. Girl needs to take a smizing class from Tyra Banks or something. After the performance, we find out both of them are safe. Surprise? (No.)

Following another weird Ford commercial where all the contestants are superheroes or something, it’s time for Jacob and Naima to perform an Ashford and Simpson song, which is just perfect. Like, seriously, Ashford and Simpson songs are what both of them were born to sing. They should change their names to Jacob Ashford and Naima Simpson. So yeah, they did a good job. However, despite her cute little soft-shoe, Naima is up for elimination. Jacob is safe, duh.

Next, Fantasia takes the stage to shill for her new album, singing a song about how love is like cornbread and collard greens, which was a metaphor I didn’t get. I mean, don’t get me wrong, both of those food items are delicious, but they don’t necessarily evoke images of love for me. They evoke images of laying splayed on the couch rubbing my engorged belly. Though, I guess in a way that can be love?

Following Fantasia, Haley, Thia, and Pia take the stage to perform “Teenage Dream.” Haley gargled and growled and Pia Mariah’d all over the place. Overall, it was pretty OK, although prophetically Thia didn’t get a solo (SPOILER ALERT). Ruh roh! Somebody’s going home! Haley and Pia are safe, Thia is up for elimination.

She’s sent to join Naima in the Corner of Shame and now it’s time for Paul, Casey, Stefano, and James, the final four, to perform. Guys, it was straight up terrible, right? Like, awful, No good. B-A-D bad. They did some weird folksy number and were completely out of harmony. Plus, they all made creepy faces which made me uncomfortable. After they finish their crapfest, it’s announced that Casey, Stefano, and James are safe, and Paul is up for elimination, which is actually kind of surprising. I was under the impression that everyone loves Paul, but as we saw with Casey last week, the American heart is a fickle creature.

After a craptastic performance by Jamie Foxx (ugh) and will.i.am (UGH) to promote that movie about Brazilian parrots, it’s time for the moment of truth! Dim the lights! Build the tension! America has voted and… Paul is safe. Naima and Thia are going home, surprising absolutely nobody. I mean, I don’t think Paul is going to win this thing, but he definitely wasn’t going home before meek Thia or insane Naima.

So them’s the breaks! How did you guys feel about it? For me, while I’m sad to see both of these ladies go home since I thought they were fun, realistically they were going to go home sooner rather than later. We’ll see what happens next week! As the past few episodes have shown, today’s fan favorite is tomorrow’s castaway. Don’t forget to show off your Idol savvy to your friends by taking part in the Fantasy Idol pool if you’re not already. See you next week!