This week it’s “Americana week” on Dancing with the Stars, where we “pledge allegiance to the mirror ball.” Basically it’s like the Fourth of July threw up all over the ballroom and every square inch is covered in patriotic décor, and with no shortage of confetti and massive sparklers, it’s like a Party City ready for the holiday rush. Just remember burning a flag is illegal, but dancing a Brazilian Samba wrapped in a flag made of sparkles is patriotic. If only Betsy Ross knew all the wonderful clothes she could’ve made out of that flag!

With each of the couples giving performances that in some way salute America, once again the leader board is shaken. Returning to the top of the pack is NFL wide receiver, Hines Ward, who’s Rumba earns him a 27, and his highest score and “ best dance so far.” After some trouble in rehearsal, Hines manages to take the usual “sexy” dance and make it work while dancing to “Proud to Be an American.” The judges praise Hines’s “naturalness,” and Bruno loves a man in uniform and thinks it has “just the right amount of sensuality to make the ladies” (including himself) “swoon.”

Following close behind is Chelsea Kane, Romeo, and Chris Jericho, all receiving a score of 26.  This is Chelsea and partner Mark Ballas’s second week in a row getting a high score and positive remarks form the judges. She dances a Samba to Miley Cyrus’s “Party in the U.S.A.,” which I somehow know every word too, but unlike Miley, Chelsea opts not to use a pole during her dance.

Two of the surprise dances of the evening go to Chris Jericho and Romeo. Maybe it’s all the confetti and patriotism in the air, but these two really step it up this week. Romeo dances to “New York, New York,” and puts some “swagger” into his Foxtrot by changing his “hip hop posture,” which he demonstrates is having his arms folded, to his “ballroom posture (unfolding them).” Len thinks he’s on the “right road,” giving Romeo and his partner Chelsie their highest score yet.

This is also the case for wrestler Chris Jericho, who is proving to be a serious contender. Luckily Chris shaved his creepy stache from last week and transforms into a clean-cut soldier in an attempt to win Bruno’s heart. He dances the Viennese Waltz with partner Cheryl Burke, to “America the Beautiful.” Chris talks about wanting an eight from Len and even does a somewhat impressive impersonation of him, until Cheryl calls it Ozzy Osbourne. Len pretends he’s not going to give them an 8, but of course he does, and he also manages to get in his weekly boob comment, calling Cheryl’s “The Rocky Mountains” in honor of this week’s theme.

All by her lonesome in the middle of the pack is Kirstie Alley, receiving a score of 23 for her stripper like Foxtrot to “American Woman.” After trouble on the dance floor the last two weeks, Kirstie pulls out all the stops for their rehearsal piece, calling in an “A-List” reinforcement, “The Dance Doctor,” John Travolta (the only trick Chelsea Kane has up her sleeve is a Miley Cyrus song).

After dropping the Travolta bomb, Maks begins their dance by “hulking out” and ripping off his t-shirt, making it the first completely shirtless dance of the season. Luckily he has all 25 of his necklaces to keep him warm, and a giant fake American flag tattoo on his side. He jumps off the podium, and Kirstie is behind him kind of go-go dancing. After several firework blasts perfectly timed to pelvic thrusts, Kirstie and Maks, successfully conclude a routine without a ballroom debacle. Bruno calls them the “American Woman and the Russian Gigolo,” and wants to hire them for a party. Although Kirstie doesn’t have the highest score, she knows how to put on a show, even if it’s a bizarre one.

At the bottom of the leader board there’s Kendra Wilkinson, Ralph Macchio, and Petra Nemcova, all receiving a score of 22, and considering the low score last week was an 18, 22 isn’t terrible. After Kendra’s recent display of poor dancing and insufficient brain capacity , she has the honor of dancing “the landmark thousandth competitive dance” on the show, and what’s more American than a playboy bunny in an American flag getup with knee socks marching /dancing a Foxtrot to “Yankee Doodle?

In trying to explain her behavior last week, Kendra again blames it on being “that time of the month.” Girl, next time just pop some Midol and wash it down with a chocolate bar like the rest of us. Her dance to “Yankee Doodle” is an improvement from last week, despite her partner Louis’s fake Uncle Sam “goatee” that makes him look like the lead singer of “Limp Bizkit.” After putting up with Kendra, he just doesn’t deserve that.

Next and probably the biggest disappointment of the night, Ralph Macchio wearing a cowboy hat and bedazzled shirt, doing a line dancing Samba to “Sweet Home Alabama” Basically it was exactly how you would expect a man from Alabama wearing a cowboy hat and a bedazzled shirt to dance a Samba. Len says he’s “not consistent” and to clarify Bruno says he “needs fire down below.” I’m going to politely restrain myself from making an STD joke. Carrie Ann however thought the performance was entertaining.

Supermodel, Petra Nemcova danced the Quickstep to “Viva Las Vegas,” and what I found most entertaining was the DWTS singer doing his best Elvis impression; He’s had that in his back pocket and has been perfecting it since he was ten. Carrie Ann thought she took a step back, but both Len and Bruno commend Petra for holding her own with the fast dance, besides the occasional misstep. Bruno then goes on to incoherently compare her to a bunch of expensive fast cars, and unfortunately for “Americana Week,” Ford is not included.

Before tonight I wouldn’t have posed either Romeo or Chris as serious contenders, but after scoring so high they just can’t be underestimated. And although Ralph’s inconsistencies leave him at bottom of the leader board this week, he does have the fan support and I don’t see his fans letting him go just yet. But with Hines and Chelsea growing each week, and Chris and Romeo closing in, Ralph needs to seriously step up his game to compete with them technically. Kirstie also has the star power to go far, and this week especially, it’s all going to come down to which of the stars have the most loyal fans.

If you’re in a DWTS pool, I think either Kendra or Petra could be eliminated. They are two of the stars with the lowest scores this week and arguably amongst the least well known. But in a competition this tight, you never know if Romeo, Chelsea and Chris have enough fans to keep them around.