It’s “Storytime” this week on Dancing With the Stars, which means we get to hear all about what makes your favorite two-steppin’ celebs tick, as they choose their favorite songs to highlight their own personal “story”.   Get ready for a lot of “I-basically-had-nothing”s and “It-was-the-most-magical”s tonight.

Wendy and Tony:  Foxtrot.  Oh. Dear.  Bruno says it was like “watching the Statue of Liberty” which I actually might  understand…if this were a parallel universe and I was living inside Bruno’s mind with the Walrus King who controls his speech patterns.  Anyway, they were horrible and they barely squeak by with a 15.

Chelsea and Mark /Cha-cha-cha.  Chelsea performs the story of the perfect way she met her perfect boyfriend, who wrote this song about her because he is just so perfectly in love with her and wanted to find the perfect way to say. VOMIT.  In case you don’t believe how terrible this is, here is the song that is allegedly an ode to love.  Judge for  yourself, but whoever wrote this clearly hates this girl, because that is the only way you can explain this:

Sidebar:  I need a song written just for me.  It would be about an angry, alcoholic writer with a playful loathing of humanity. The lyrics would mostly be pleas begging me to give back things I’ve stolen or quotes from police reports filed regarding my behavior.  No one would ever dance to it (because then I would have to kill them, obviously).  It would be the sort of song  San Quentin prison would select as their theme song. I would love that.

Chris J and Cheryl/Rumba: Chris’ song is “Let it Be”  and his “story” encompasses memories of his mom, who was in a bad car accident and died in 2005.   They dance beautifully to a song that is absolutly undanceable, so a hundred million points for just that.  Carrie Ann is moved to tears, yet still manages to call Chris’ hip actions “strange”.  Len points out there were problems with the “fluidity” of the movements, but says the lines and poses were excellent.  Bruno says he brought a “naked vulnerability” to the Rumba, which is basically a “sexy dance”. Their score is 21.

Kendra and Louis/Rumba Kendra’s story is that she had to overcome the adversity of marrying a wealthy football player and overcoming the painful stigma of being a totally hot stripper/Playboy model with a lucrative modeling and endorsement contract.   Really? That’s controversial, a NFL player marrying a Playboy bunny? Because all  the other NFL wives are all Nobel laureates and Rhodes scholars now? The judges point out that the gyrating was unneccessary, which is odd, considering that the point of Kendra’s entire existence is just to gyrate.  23

Romeo and Chelsie H./Rumba Good grief, what a depressing story.  And what a gorgeous dance.  He really is doing so much better than his dad, who seemed to equate the very idea of dancing with being stabbed in the eye with a hundred flaming swords.  The judges critiqued some of his footwork, but praised his emotional commitment to the piece. 20

Hines and Kim/Samba He dedicates this to mother, a hard-working single mom who worked as many as three jobs (3!!) after divorcing his father.  It’s upbeat, joyous and postively inspired.  Carrie-Ann tells him he looks like he’s been dancing the Samba for his entire life. Bill Cowher is somewhere laughing at this. 25

Petra and Dmitry/Waltz Gee I wonder if she’ll talk about the tsunami. #rhetoricalquestions 25.

Sugar Ray and Anna/Paso Doble It just seems kind of cruel at this point.  But it’s a hard dance and he is a hard man, so 20.

Kirstie and Maks What started out as an homage to her late parents ended up as The Clip Everyone Will Be Talking About from now until the next thing happens on this show.   The fall is only about 5 seconds, but it looks absolutely painful.  Still, the judges seem unfazed in the quest to make Kirstie this season’s Marie Osmond.  23

The Karate Kid and Karina/Rumba Unfazed by the Cobra Kai dojo’s solid performance in the cha-cha-cha last week, Daniel stepped up, determined to out do them with a rumba.   He had  tried before to hide his rumba by dressing as a walking shower, but it was no use. Cobra Kai dance studio was on to him and caught up to him at the dance, where they cornered him. Johnny Lawrence taunted:   “You couldn’t leave well enough alone, could you, little twerp? No, you had to push it. Well, now you’re gonna pay!!!” and danced a rumba that had Johnny face down in the rain.  But Daniel-san was not out of it yet.   This week, Daniel-san got a 21 and a very valuable lesson about under-estimating his enemy.

Don’t forget to place your picks if you’re in one of Picktainment’s DWTS pools.  Until tomorrow night…cha-cha-cha!