I’ll preface this recap by telling you that we still have no sign of Emily and Sasha remains shirted for the entire episode. But there are a prevalent amount of bitches and hos, which I have labeled for your convenience.

The World Team continues practice at The Rock and Kelly Parker’s manager/mother portrayed by Kathy Najimy (bitch) has arrived to make everyone’s lives even more miserable, including Kelly’s. She is completely obsessed with endorsements and maintains that if Kaylie gets on the World Team, no one will be interested in Kelly.

Sasha announces that Tessa, Kaylie and some bitch we don’t care about will compete in bars, beam, vault and floor in one week to determine who will be on the World Team. Kaylie knows she cannot be ready in all four events in one week. She’s been out of training for six weeks! Austin comes up with a risky plan that just might work. With Emily gone, the World Team is lacking a ringer in vault. He recommends that Kaylie focus only on her vault and impress Sasha so much that he picks her based on one event.

Max goes on a run with Payson where they find the second cutest dog in the entire universe and name her Phoebe (actual bitch). My dog, Stevie Nicks, is the cutest. I’ve placed comparison shots below, you be the judge. They desperately want to keep the dog, but Austin (Max’s roommate) is allergic and Payson’s parents cannot afford it.

My dog, Stevie Nicks.

Payson and Max's stray, Phoebe

Lauren (ho) is putting the full-court press on Max who seems to only have eyes for Payson. That is until she gets some decent advice from Kelly Parker who encourages Lauren to keep her pants on. Perhaps Max will be more interested if he actually has to work for it. Finally ABC Family is offering reasonable advice to young girls. Look out, Secret Life, MIOBI is coming for you!

 

Speaking of high morals, Chloe Kmetko (ho) is still bartending at a strip club where she runs into, oh no, Payson’s dad! It turns out he was on a job interview because his company in Minnesota went under. They decide to keep the dog, because after all, it’s so damn cute and they’ve been low on funds before, they’ll make it. This is the exact mindset that brought foreclosures up 47%.

Lauren and Max play a flirty game of basketball and Max finally agrees to take Lauren on a date. Maybe it was the short shorts, maybe it was the fact that she told him she wouldn’t make out with him until he took her on a date. After all, Payson didn’t go for his friends with benefits pitch and a guy’s got to get it somewhere.

The day of the competition, Kaylie refuses to participate in any event accept vault. And her gamble pays off! Kaylie is back on the World Team. And no one is more pissed that Kathy Najimy.

She tells Kelly Parker that they have to find evidence of Kaylie’s anorexia to show the sponsors that Kelly Parker is the better endorsement. She tells Kelly that she’s going to drop her as a client if they don’t. Seeing how upset Kelly is, Kaylie invites her to dinner. But don’t forget, even in her most vulnerable state, Kelly Parker is still Kelly Parker (a bitch). She steals Kaylie’s diary to expose Kaylie for the too skinny bitch she truly is.

This Week’s MIOBI Statistics

Kaylie: Made It. The World Team, that is.

Lauren: Made It. For not being such a hobag.

Payson: Made It. For being a great dog mom.

Emily: Broke It. Hopefully her water by now.