Previously, on America’s Next Top Model: All-Star Edition: The girls got makeovers, there were freak outs; they did a photo shoot with Pink’s hot dogs. Ashlee Simpson was the guest judge. Lisa won; Sheena was eliminated.

The episode opens with the girls riding back from the elimination. They get back to the house and Allison tells Lisa she’s nervous because she hasn’t been able to draw. She camera talks while wearing a big fuzzy bear hat, saying she knows she’s weird, but All-Stars is a spectacular opportunity.

The next day, Kristin Cavallari walks into the house to talk to the “all stars.” She said she just wants to talk and see how it’s going. She says she’s learned that you will always have haters, so it’s important to always be true to yourself. Bre asks her how to stay relevant without going from reality show to reality show. Kristin says it’s about developing your personality. Meh. She leaves and it’s kind of just a very awkward little segment.

Tyra Mail! “Having all the right answers will save you from an uncertain fate. Fierce and Love, Tyra” I have got to start using “Fierce and Love” on all my business correspondence.

Camille thinks it means they’re going to do an interview. Someone else (Laura I think) says “I just think it means someone’s going to get sent home.”

They go to the Grove and are met by Nigel who explains that the Grove is home to “Extra,” and the girls are going to be interviewed in groups by the host of “Extra,” Mario Lopez. Coincidentally, part of the prize this cycle is the winner will be a correspondent for “Extra.”

Lisa and Bianca had the top two photos last time, so they each head up a team and take turns picking their teams. The winning team will be safe from elimination. Captain Obvious, Laura, says this is either an amazing prize or really crappy for the losers.

Lisa’s team goes first. Mario asks them all very generic questions. Isis does a great job. Lisa keeps giving them high fives and Alexandria camera talks that she wanted Lisa to stop. Bianca’s team goes next. Bianca is wearing a hideous teal jumpsuit and says the term “word vomit” at one point. Allison does a surprisingly good job.

After the interviews, Nigel goes over everyone’s performance. He doesn’t have hair anymore, BTW. He tells Lisa her problem is she interferes with others while they are talking – giving them high fives, talking, etc. He tells Angelea she was too conservative. He tells Bianca to stop talking about vomit. He tells Kayla to be more multi-faceted, even though they’ve been communicating to the girls they need to concentrate on one thing this whole time. Bianca’s team ends up winning, and Allison gets picked to come back for a full interview with “Extra.”

On the way home, Angelea is bitching about her interview. Kayla says Angelea gets in these moods where she’s so…mean, and there’s no way she could be a correspondent on a regular basis.

Tyra Mail! “My, what long legs you have. Fierce and Love, Tyra.”

Bre thinks it’s going to be something to do with spiders, which she is not down with. Laura thinks it’s a giraffe. Angelea thinks it’s a rat? Isis thinks it’s a daddy long legs. Allison is excited to have some kind of creature crawl around on her face. Bianca says that it just means they need to shave their legs.

The next day they go to Siren Studios and there are these ladies dancing around all crazy-like on stilts. Jay Manuel says they’re going to pair the models one from the winning team and one from the losing team to do paired photo shoots on stilts.

Sarah Silver is the photographer. She says she doesn’t want the shoot to be just about having long legs; she wants the models to “go there.” The look, according to one of the stylists, is “pop 80s.”

Dominique Reighard – Cycle 10 & Kayla Ferrel – Cycle 15

Dominique and Kayla are first; Dominique is unsafe and Kayla is safe from elimination. Jay says Dominique is hell bent on keeping her “model face.” Kayla says Dominique is good face on, and only wanted to stick with that type of pose.

Isis King – Cycle 11 & Camille McDonald – Cycle 2

Isis is unsafe and Camille is safe. Camille says she doesn’t want Isis to do better than her because she’s trans-gender, and Camille is “the real thing.” Isis was trying to be extreme and keeps falling. Jay said he thought she was going to be fun, but she wasn’t.

Lisa D’Amato – Cycle 5 & Bianca Golden – Cycle 9

Lisa is unsafe and Bianca is safe. Bianca is really scared of heights – she goes and cries in the bathroom. Lisa says if Bianca messes it up for her and Lisa gets eliminated, she’s going to have to learn how to get on stilts…because she’s going to have to run…and her stride is going to have to be real big…because Lisa’s coming after her…because she will be mad. Lisa says Bianca should just fall on purpose so she knows that nothing will happen when she falls and she won’t be scared (like ice skating.) Lisa’s fierce in the shoot, and Bianca looks like she’s going to vomit (hey-oh) in every photo.

Angelea Preston – Cycle 14 & Allison Harvard – Cycle 12

Angelea is unsafe and Allison is safe. Allison looks really hot. Angelea says she has no muscles and can’t support herself on her stilts or do any cool poses.

Laura Kirkpatrick – Cycle 13 & Bre Scullark – Cycle 5

Laura is unsafe and Bre is safe. They work really well together. Bre camera talks that she is a professional model, but she has never been on stilts before. I would normally say something snarky like, well we all know all professional models walk around on stilts, but Heidi Klum actually did walk in stilts on Project Runway this season – and she did a surprisingly good job of it – no wires for that supermodel!

Shannon Stewart – Cycle 1 & Alexandria Everett – Cycle 16

Alexandria is unsafe and Shannon is safe. They walk onto set and Shannon is wearing full-on dominatrix gear. So Jay is like, hey is that too much like underwear? Are you comfortable? And Shannon’s like, don’t worry, it’s a bathing suit! Which it totally isn’t. She’s such a weirdo. Alexandria is trying to do a bunch of falling shots and keeps making a lot of awkward faces and noises. Jay whispers to the photographer that she has a flair for dramatics, the photographer’s like, yeah I’m over her.

Back at the house, Bianca’s like, “I’m still scared.” The next day they get ready for judging and Isis is getting dressed, and she’s like, “I’m like the black swan,” it’s so cute. Angelea keeps complaining about how Nigel doesn’t know who she is, which makes me think she’s going to get eliminated.

Judging

Kristin Cavallari is the guest judge. The girls go up in sets:

André says Alexandria and Shannon’s photo is “so Lady Gaga.” It’s a really awesome photo. Allison and Angelea go up, and Angelea says she has to address Nigel before they look at their photo. *Groan* She says at “Extra” she wanted to be professional in her interview, but he said she should be silly, and she doesn’t know what he wants. Nigel says to know when to rein it in, but show your character when it’s appropriate. Tyra says Allison looks better in their photo because she’s doing a “booty tooch.”

Booty tooch: when you have a straight line going, so you pop your booty out? Tyra never really defines it, but they repeatedly continue to use “booty tooch.” So I guess this means I have to add it to my dictionary in Microsoft Word.

Dominque and Kayla are next. Andre says Kayla needs a lesson in booty tooching and that he would edit her out of the photo. Isis and Camille go up next; the judges are underwhelmed. Laura and Bre are next. Nigel says it could be a fragrance ad. André says Bre looks like she’s from “Blade Runner.” Lisa and Bianca are last. Nigel asks if Lisa ever has her photo taken with her legs together – snap! Bianca is wearing another horrendous jumpsuit and a really big headband *sigh.*

The judges talk it out. Tyra says she wishes Bre had done a “bug-eyed, crazy smize,” which is coincidentally the name of my new band. Come see Bug Eyed Crazy Smize this Friday at the Roxy! Nigel says he likes Angelea because she had the nerve to ask him that question.

Tyra does her spiel: I have 12 ladies standing before me but I hold only 11 photos, blah, blah.

Safe Girls:

  1. Allison gets best photo
  2. Bianca
  3. Shannon
  4. Bre
  5. Kayla
  6. Camille

Unsafe Girls:

  1. Alexandria gets best photo
  2. Lisa
  3. Laura
  4. Dominique

It comes down to Isis and Angelea for the last spot. Tyra says they don’t have the worst photos (it was actually Camille), but that shows how important it is to win challenges. Isis seems to be less and less great from week to week. The judges commend Angelea for speaking up, but they still don’t know if she understands Nigel’s feedback. Tyra announces:

5. Angelea – because her photo was still stronger than Isis’

Boo, black swan is gone. She says she’ll continue to do public speaking and appearances.

Coming up, on the next episode of America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars: The models are going to be auditioning for a role on CSI. Kayla gets really sick.