The episode starts with a picture of a creepy-ass house, inside Tyra Banks is lying in bed with her “smize” bear, she is being haunted in her dreams by the ghosts of models past. Of course she is playing every single model. “Camille from Cycle 2” says “remember my signature walk that made me famous?” “Laura from the petite cycle” shows up and twangs about how her grandma made her some dresses. It’s really actually quite insulting. “Miss Isis from Cycle 11” shows up and says she has “more woman inside her than all these bitches put together.” “Allison from Cycle 12” “the wide-eyed quirky girl who has an obsession with blood” shows up too, with a nose bleed. They all want to be on the show again.

Tyra wakes up and the actual models are there “acting” like they want to be on the show again. She says “all right, all right, I’ll do an all-star cycle.” Tyra then explains that this season isn’t just about modeling – it’s about star power (let’s hope acting isn’t one of the parameters they’re judged on). She’s making everything bigger!

It’s the biggest prize package ever in Top Model history: $100,000 contract with Cover Girl, a national campaign with Express, a spread in Italian Vogue magazine, a cover of “Beauty in Vogue” and a spread in “Beauty in Vogue,” a blog on Italian Vogue’s website, and a celebrity guest correspondent position with Extra.

And the “celebrities” as mentors are “big” too: The Kardashians, Nicki Minaj, Kathy Griffin, Game, La Toya Jackson, Tyson Beckford, Kristin Cavallari, and Ashlee Simpson.

The girls are going to write their own songs, design their own fragrances, and even audition for CSI. There will also be some new modeling lingo, such as: “Pot Ledom” (Top Model spelled backwards) and Booty tooch (toosh?) which is debuted by Tyra in a video with the guy from those videos where he lip-syncs and makes really amazingly funny facial expressions [editor’s note: Keenan Cahill].

All these huge personalities under one roof means one thing: DRAMA. Speaking of which, the girls start showing up at the house in this order:

Angelea Preston – Cycle 14

Angelea is the first one to show up to the house, and she is greeted by waiters with champagne. Apparently she didn’t think being on a primetime reality show was occasion enough to dye her roots. She states that she was “truly the star of Cycle 14,” and then admires the picture of herself with the quote: “I’m still ghetto…but I’m classy ghetto.”

Laura Kirkpatrick – Cycle 13

Laura is next into the house. Since Cycle 13 she has become a signed model with an agency.

Bianca Golden – Cycle 9

Angelea says if there’s one person she’s going to get into it with, it’s going to be Bianca. Since Top Model Bianca has signed with Ford models. She says she’s here to show the world “that I can brand myself, I can be a mogul.” Angelea is now double fisting her drinks with a champagne glass in each hand, that my friends is classy ghetto.

Lisa D’Amato – Cycle 5

Since Cycle 5, Lisa has recorded her first album because she “always knew that [she] was a star. Twinkle, twinkle, I’m a star.” She looks pretty toe up, like, seriously wrecked. Bianca says she sees Lisa and the first thing she thinks of is that she peed in her diaper on her season. Lisa is wearing the craziest outfit, it’s like a hot pink and black striped pants suit, with some kind of black halter-top vest combination, and a tugboat captain hat like Hugh Hefner wears.

Bre Scullark – Cycle 5

Apparently Bre and Bianca met on Top Model they moved to Chicago together, but she never told Bianca she was going to be on the all-star season. Bianca looks pissed. Bre runs up to Bianca and yells “my sister! (sistah?)” and Bianca walks away and says “no, don’t touch me.” Bre says, “there was no love from my best friend when I walked in. You can’t make scenes like that for no reason, B.” Foreshadowing!

Brittany Brower – Cycle 4

Brittany comes in and she hugs Lisa. She says “my head is in such a different place right now than it ever was on cycle 4.” Her picture says “I’m definitely the entertainment around here.”

Dominique Reighard – Cycle 10

Dominique walks into the house and immediately yells “wooooo.” Someone asks if she just had a baby. And she says yes, and she named her Bre. Bre actually looks happy about that, and not in a fake way. Apparently during cycle 10 everyone said Dominique looked like a transvestite.

Sheena Sakai – Cycle 11

Since cycle 11 Sheena has done several national commercials, a lot of hosting work, print work, and runway shows. She wants to show that there’s much more to her than being a model – and what better place to show that than on a modeling show!

Isis King – Cycle 11

Isis was the first (and so far only) transgendered contestant. She had gender re-assignment surgery two years ago and now feels like she’s embraced her sexuality a little bit more. Her picture says “some people might say transsexual, but I prefer ‘born in the wrong body.’”

Kayla Ferrel – Cycle 15

Kayla was most remembered for being a proud lesbian. No one in the house really knows who she is because on cycle 15 she had bright red hair and now she has brown hair.

Allison Harvard – Cycle 12

Allison was runner-up in her season. She has enormous doll eyes. Since cycle 12 she has done art internships and freelance art directing.

Camille McDonald – Cycle 2

Bianca sees Camille’s picture and says “this is who I don’t want to see.” Angelea says Camille has a reputation from cycle 2 for being a diva. She shows up and is welcomed with some blank stares. Bianca says they have a long history.

Shannon Stewart – Cycle 1

Shannon is remembered for refusing to pose nude. She says she doesn’t just want to be a model, she wants to be a role model.

Alexandria Everett – Cycle 16

Alexandria says she wants to set the record straight because some things were “misconstrued” about her on cycle 16. Lisa hugs her and asks her if she won a car. Alexandria just smiles and nods because Lisa is insane. Angelea camera talks that Alexandria is not an all-star.

As soon as everyone gets there, Tyra Mail arrives to tell them to go pick out their beds. Everyone runs to get beds. Lisa prances about with Brittany in the room that they have chosen. Jay Manuel shows up and everyone runs down to meet him. Jay says they’re going to start off with a photo shoot in the backyard of the house where they are staying. “Right here. Right now.” Ooooh.

Their photographer is Celeste Canino who has shot for GQ and Maxim. They’re going to be styled as “larger than life versions of their ANTM personas.” There are wardrobe people, cameras, and makeup people already in the backyard. How did the models not know they were all back there?

Bianca is getting made up, and I’m already over her. Bianca is getting some kind of red hair weave and she is not happy about it. Kayla camera talks that people remember her for being a bitch. Cue the montage of Bianca yelling at people. Kayla says, “the bitch came out when that red hair came.” Bianca says she is about to lose it already because of the hair. Her hair doesn’t really look that bad. Her persona is “loud and sassy,” but the photographer says, “Bianca wasn’t giving me a real model vibe, it felt a little amateurish with her posing.”

Allison is talking to Jay. He tells her she’s going to “work that kewpie doll.” Her persona is the “quirky doll.” She says she’s more used to working behind the camera now, and hopefully it will come back to her.

Bre’s persona is “ghetto fabulous. She says she’s here because she wants to see if she’s still got “it.”

Dominique’s persona is “masculine/feminine.”

Camille’s persona is “diva.”

Kayla’s persona is the “proud lesbian” and she is wearing a “big gay flag” (her words not mine). She says the ultimate reality TV cliché: “I’m here to win.”

Brittany’s persona is the “party girl.” Since her cycle she has started a “medical spa thing in Hollywood.”

Laura’s persona is the “country cutie.”

Alexandria’s persona is the “tough California girl.” She is standing on top of a surf board and actually growls during her shoot.

Isis has the persona “confidence;” she has done a lot of motivational speaking since her cycle. She walks up and Jay’s like, “you can do a bikini all the way now, no problem?” um, awkward.

Sheena is known as “harlem but not hoochie.” While she’s posing Jay says “Jessica Rabbit,” and she says “I’m gonna bake you a carrot cake.” And I LOL’d a little.

Angelea is known as “girl from the hood” and is wearing huge hoop earrings that dolphins could jump through. She does the west side symbol at one point even though I think she’s from New York.

Lisa is known as the “wild child;” she frolics in the hot tub and is generally just her crazy-ass self.

Shannon is talking to the wardrobe people and she’s arguing because she doesn’t model underwear. She says she’ll wear a bathing suit, but she won’t wear underwear over it because she doesn’t “wear underwear outside.” She is known as “angelic” and is wearing the aforementioned bikini bottoms with angel wings and a lace top over her bikini top. Jay says there were bottoms to cover you up more, and she says they were lace and it looked like underwear. He says it doesn’t look like underwear, they’re shorts, they look like lace, and that she’s uncovered more with the bikini bottoms. Shannon starts crying to the camera and says Jay doesn’t respect her. Jay says Shannon says underwear is only for her husband to see, but the itty-bitty bikini bottoms leave less to the imagination, and he thinks that she’s confused.

After the shoot Jay says they’re going to meet with the judges at Nokia Plaza for their critique in their first ever live judging panel, surrounded by tons of their fans. Nicki Minaj is the guest judge.

There are tons of screaming fans at Nokia Plaza and Tyra shows up and walks down a long cat walk to talk to them. She’s wearing all black with suspenders and heels. She introduces Nicki Minaj who walks down the runway wearing a platinum wig, a green patterned jacket and some kind of white floral pants. She introduces Nigel Barker and he has hair. She introduces André Leon Talley and he’s wearing some kind of robe, a pork pie hat, and one of those “power” bracelets. Ugh.

Next Tyra introduces all the all-stars one by one and they have to walk down the runway while clips from their cycle run in the background. Lisa is first and Nicki asks what her stage name is when she’s singing. Lisa says it’s “La Puccinata” (?) which I think may be a dirty word in another language. She’s wearing jeans, a tie-dyed halter midriff-baring vest (sigh), and a big white top hat with a tiedyed bow.

Generally the judges have positive feedback for all the models as they come out. Allison walks out wearing some kind of milk maid outfit. Angelea comes out doing the hammer time dance, and André says she is projecting “Beverly hood.” Camille comes out wearing a tight, form-fitting elbow-length red dress, and Tyra says seven years later her legs have gone into amazingness. Dominique comes out and talks about how she just had a baby two months ago. Shannon comes out and is surprised to hear people cheering for her; Nicki Minaj talks to her in a British accent. Alexandria comes out and she actually gets booed; she starts crying a little on stage. Sheena comes out wearing some kind of sequined kimono pantsuit; Nicki says her photo looks amateur. Brittany comes out wearing a leopard mini dress and yells a bit. Isis comes out wearing a lime green tank dress with amazing blue heels, and long blue feather earrings. Bianca comes out wearing a black top and a tiny purple feathered skirt. Bre comes out and Nicki asks why she cut her hair. André says the photo looks cliché. Nicki says if she does short hair it needs to be more chic. Kayla comes out wearing a cute tan dress with black tights and says she is portraying a “super gay” in her photo. Laura comes out wearing a little dress that her grandma Wanda Sue made.

Tyra says their photos will be judged, but their personalities are also being judged, and that they’re going to continue this judging in “private chambers.” Jay Manuel and Miss J. Alexander interview people in the crowd – it’s mainly a bunch of women and gay men.

In their “private chambers” the judges talk more about the models and the crowd’s feedback. The crowd said Allison was their all-time favorite. Nicki says Kayla was doing a weird arm thing in her picture. André says Brittany is very abrasive to him; Tyra says Brittany got absolutely no comments from the crowd, neither positive or negative. Nigel agrees with Jay that Shannon is confused about the underwear vs. bikini bottoms issue. Tyra says Sheena was brought up in a lot of interviews. André says Bre’s photo was shrekitude. Tyra says Alexandria has strong polarity.

The girls come into the “private chambers” and Tyra does her spiel: There are 14 young ladies standing before me but I hold only 13 photos, blah, blah.

  1. Isis gets best photo.
  2. Allison
  3. Camille
  4. Lisa
  5. Angelea
  6. Laura
  7. Bre
  8. Bianca
  9. Shannon
  10. Dominique
  11. Sheena
  12. Kayla

It comes down to Brittany and Alexandria for the last spot. Tyra says Brittany’s photo is not super strong and no one in the crowd really remembered her. On the other hand, Alexandria got boos from the crowd. Tyra announces:

13. Alexandria – Because the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference, and when you have people that love you and hate you that is the       definition of a true star (or something).

Coming up on this season of America’s Next Top Model: Cycle 17 All-Stars: Everyone yells, everyone cries, there’s a makeover, an ambulance shows up.