Previously, on America’s Next Top Model: All-Star Edition: The girls tried out to be on CSI. They had a photo shoot for Express. Angelea got best picture and Camille got sent home.

They show the girls riding back to the house from judging, and everyone says how much it sucks to be in the bottom. And then…opening credits! I think someone over at the CW has been reading my recaps because last week I was just saying how much I hate that they weren’t putting the opening credits right at the beginning. My voice has been heard, haHA!

They get to the house, and Angelea’s winning picture is up. She struts and dances in front of it. She yells “winning,” it’s pretty 716. Kayla tells Bianca that she liked Angelea’s picture, but it wasn’t the best. Bianca is camera talking in a dress with huge sleeves. She looks like an extra from Dynasty.

TYRA Mail!  “Remember…what goes around comes around! Fierce and Love, Tyra.” Kayla thinks they’re going to be on a “fast and scary ride.” So in Kayla’s mind they’re going to be modeling atop promiscuous male models. Shannon asks if they think it’s a challenge…um yeah.

That night (the next day?), Shannon takes the initiative to allot phone talking time. Each girl gets to talk for 20 minutes. Bianca picks the last slot out of the hat, and asks Shannon if she’s sure the time slots will be exact. Something must’ve gotten cut out, because all of a sudden Shannon is crying and saying Bianca can have her 20 minutes. So…editing, or Bianca is just one scary bitch. Shannon says she has a sensitive spirit and doesn’t want to argue.

Lisa says it’s very obvious they all want the phone. As Bianca says, “Lisa feels like she’s sheriff of Top Model town.” Bianca tells Lisa she needs to mind her business all the time. They both start yelling and clap-ing-on-each-syll-ab-le-of-their-words! Allison gets all wide-eyed and walks out of the room. Bianca’s totally confused because there really wasn’t any sort of confrontation with the sensitive spirit Shannon to begin with. She says Celebrity Rehab 4, 5, and 6 are calling Lisa’s name – SNAP.

The girls ride the bus to their challenge at Santa Monica pier. Laura just wants to eat all the yummy food. They’re greeted by J. Alexander, who is wearing a long fisherman’s vest, waders that go up to about an inch below the vest, and no pants. Bre says he looks like he’s missing panties, because Miss J definitely wears panties, not underwear. Their challenge is that they will have a runway challenge where they must step on and off a moving carousel. They’re going to be modeling clothes from the “Kardashian Collection,” “designed by” Khloe, Kourtney, and Kim Kardashian.

Behind the scenes, Bianca and Bre are talking. Lisa says Bre is much more fun without Bianca, because when they’re together it’s like Bre is taking care of a toddler walking around Disneyland. The Kardashian girls come back to say hi to the models. Khloe says whatever their signature walk is, just to be themselves. And the winner gets an outfit from their collection. Damn, I wish I could be the winner. The only way I could get an outfit from their collection is to drive over to Sears and buy one for $29.99. (Seriously, their collection is for Sears.)

OMG Bruce Jenner and Kris Jenner are in the audience. Does that family ever do anything apart? Everyone is scared of the moving runway. Lisa is first; she hops on a carousel horse and does a crazy high kick; Miss J. says she’s nuts. Allison stumbles a bit getting off. Angelea shakes her ass at the crowd; Miss J. says she’s like someone’s alcoholic aunt. Kayla almost falls. Lisa says Bianca looked like a mean dog. The Kardashian girls couldn’t choose just one winner, so it was a tie between Bre and Lisa – they both get $30 outfits! – Hooray!

Miss J. does a wrap up and asks Bianca who she’s mad at and she says everybody. She starts crying and says “I’m taking shit from the Christian [Shannon], I’m taking shit from the crazy head [Lisa].” Bwah ha ha. She then says none of the girls deserve to win as much as she does – right in front of the other girls. They start talking about her, obvi, and she starts yelling at them to mind their business…things are cray cray.

That night, Bianca cries on the phone to her boyfriend that she can’t take the pressure. All the girls say if she can’t handle it she should go home. Bre hears the whole thing and runs and tells Bianca. She tells Bianca that they are “forming a coalition” to ask them to leave. So Bianca immediately 360s and says she’s not going anywhere.

TYRA Mail!  “You’ll get noticed when you’re off the wall! Fierce and Love, Tyra.” Kayla thinks they’re going to jump off a cliff. Kayla is totally the Johnny Bananas of America’s Next Top Model (My Challenge peeps know what I’m talking about).

The next day they take the bus to Siren Studios. Jay Manuel is standing there with a red Michael Jackson jacket – the girls are going to be doing a Michael Jackson photo shoot portraying MJ through the years. And to help out, they’re getting styled by Michael Jackson’s personal stylist, Rushka. LaToya Jackson shows up to help out too.

Bianca Golden – Cycle 9

Bianca is MJ from the “Early 80s Era.” She decides to channel all her anger into her photo shoot.

Bre Scullark – Cycle 5

Bre is Michael Jackson from the “80s Era.” She says she feels like “Jackson Royalty.”

Alexandria Everett – Cycle 16

Alexandria is “Late 90s Era” Michael Jackson at the photo shoot.

 Angelea Preston – Cycle 14

Angelea is “Late 80s Era” MJ. She does a lot of thrusting. She says she loves the entire Jackson family. She tries to sing during the shoot, but Jay Manuel says she’s opening her mouth too wide and it looks like “Neanderthal mouth.” Angelea is wearing tight black pants with silver pinstripes, a black leather jacket with a white graphic tee underneath, and big ass-kicking boots with huge buckles all the way down the sides.

Dominique Reighard – Cycle 10

Dominique is also “Late 80s Era” Michael Jackson.

Kayla Ferrel – Cycle 15

Kayla is “Early 80s Era” Michael. Kayla is wearing a white tank top under a black leather jacket, a black curly wig, and one of those microphone headsets. In the photo she looks like she’s about to rip her shirt off – that’s how hard she’s singing!

Shannon Stewart – Cycle 1

Shannon is “Late 80s Era” Michael. LaToya gives her a special belt from her dressing room for the shoot.

Laura Kirkpatrick – Cycle 13

Laura is “90s Era” Michael; her outfit was actually worn by Michael Jackson once. As a “special tribute” to Michael she does this weird air thrust pose.

Allison Harvard – Cycle 12

Allison is “60s Era” Michael. Jay says she doesn’t seem nearly as jittery as she usually is.

Lisa D’Amato – Cycle 5

Lisa is “Early 80s Era” MJ, but for some reason she keeps doing the running man, which I’m pretty sure didn’t come out until the 90s. LaToya likes it, but Rushka doesn’t seem to approve. At the end of her shoot she runs to give everyone high-fives, and Bianca refuses to even acknowledge her. Shannon shouts “rejected!” and Bianca walks away shaking her head because to her that doesn’t seem like “Christian behavior.”

Judging

Tyra is wearing a ripped up black business suit (?) with a black necktie, fedora, and sky-high hooker boots. Angelea doesn’t get a very good review. LaToya says Allison looks like Michael, but also Donny Osmond. Tyra says Bre’s picture is amazing. André says Lisa is the weakest link, and he doesn’t like that she always jumps in every picture. Bianca gets a bad review, and she says it’s because everyone in the house is jealous of her and picking on her.

The girls leave, and the judges says it’s Kayla’s best moment. They really like Alexandria’s photo, but I hate it…it looks stupid. André really hates Lisa. Nigel says Allison hasn’t “lost her model;” he says Angelea was too inspired by the album title: “Bad.” Ouch.

The girls come back in, and Tyra does her spiel: I have 10 ladies standing before me but I hold only 9 photos, I’m so happy I learned how to count in modeling school. For the first time in Top Model history, they’ve had their guest judge choose best photo. They also let LaToya pick the entire order of the girls from best to worst.

  1. Laura gets best photo
  2. Shannon
  3. Dominique
  4. Allison
  5. Alexandria
  6. Kayla
  7. Bre
  8. Bianca

It comes down to Angelea (who was first last week) and Lisa. LaToya doesn’t know the Angelea that the judges know. Tyra likes Lisa’s photo, but the rest of the judges don’t. Tyra makes LaToya say who is going home. She says her brother was about love, expression, and giving, and that all the girls gave their love and expression at the photo shoot, so she’s not sending anyone home! No one goes home! Angelea thinks maybe Michael saved her…or Jesus.

9. Angelea & Lisa

Coming up, on the next episode of America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars: The girls play flag football in bikinis at the beach, and Bianca attacks Lisa “super hard.” The girls have a photo shoot with Coco Rocha.