Previously, on America’s Next Top Model: All-Star Edition: The girls had an interview challenge with Extra and Allison won. They had a photo shoot wearing stilts. Allison got top photo and Isis, my beautiful black swan, got sent home. Tear.

So America’s Next Top Model is trying this new thing where they start with the end of the last episode – the girls coming back from the judging – and then they launch into the opening. I don’t like it. The girls walk into their house, and there’s Allison’s winning picture along with the words “booty tooch” on it. Allison camera talks that she’s happy to win and glad to know that she’s doing better than last week.

Lisa opens a bottle of wine; apparently she drank a lot on her cycle, and she ended up going to Celeb Rehab. I guess they use the term “celeb” pretty loosely on that show. It turns out she’s not drinking with everyone else though, they were just a bunch of bitches and made her open the wine. She eats pasta instead.

The next day, mail shows up. Everyone is very excited about mail. Alexandria gets lemon pepper! Kayla gets a tank top! Camille receives a box full of bills. Wahn wahn. Sad trombone noise.

Kayla camera talks that her heart is racing and she doesn’t feel good. Apparently she took a lot of medication and now she’s lying in bed feeling dizzy. She starts hyperventilating and throwing up, everyone starts running around and Allison just stands there frozen, staring at the camera like a deer caught in the headlights. The ambulance comes and they take her to the hospital.

Weird opening sequence with the girls and Tyra Banks wearing a bunch of leather fetish wear. Even Shannon, because apparently it’s a leather swimsuit.

The girls are speculating about Kayla. They all say they want her to come back, but we all know they secretly don’t. Kayla comes back around 2 am. She had a cardiac arrhythmia which can be due to stress or caffeine. Must be the caffeine because there’s no stress in that house.

TYRA Mail! It would be a crime to miss this action! Fierce and Love, Tyra. Kayla thinks it has to do with acting.

The next day they go to Stage 25, and Jay Manuel says they all look fantastic. They’re going to be auditioning for a role on CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. The go onto the set and some imitation “The Who” music plays, haha, way to spring for the rights to the CSI song, CW. Jay Manuel is explaining the challenge and Anthony E. Zuiker, the creator and executive producer of the CSI franchise pops up from under a sheet. The girls are appropriately scared.

The winner of the challenge will be on an episode that will air this fall. Anthony tells them they have 30 minutes to memorize a scene. The girls are appropriately scared. Kayla says half of the medical terms in the scene are longer than her face. Anthony helps them with one term: gas chromatograph mass spectrometer. They try to repeat it, but none of the girls can really say it.

One by one they do the scene with Robert David Hall, who I believe plays the coroner, Dr. Robbins, on the show. Camille is first and she mostly wants to win so she can get paid and pay some of her bills. They do a montage of the girls auditioning and getting all the lines wrong. I think Dominique says sassafras at some point; Bianca says Neosporin; Laura says barbotanicals; Lisa drops a bunch of f-bombs and says cocaine, alcohol, and heroin. Angelea says she has the “most talent up in this bitch,” and she actually gets most of the words correct. But then Bre comes in and gets all the words correct, plus she does a pretty good job at acting.

Jay Manuel wraps up the auditions. He’s wearing a faded denim blazer; it’s hideous. Bre wins the challenge. Angelea is pissed, because she thought she really brought the 716 at her audition.

TYRA Mail! When you’re a star, you have to express yourself! Fierce and Love, Tyra. Angelea thinks they’re going to be doing something with clothes from EXPRESS.

The next day the girls are welcomed at their photo shoot by Jay Manuel. They’re at a big-ass mansion in Beverly Hills. One of the prizes is an ad campaign with EXPRESS, so they’re going to be doing a shoot for EXPRESS. Jay says it’s important to tell a story in the photo shoot; each of the girls will be playing 1 of 4 roles: The Girlfriend, The Flirt, The Cool Chick, Or The Socialite. There are three guys there who will all be in the shots with the girls.

Angelea Preston – Cycle 14

Angelea is The Socialite (from the 716) who was humble at first but then moved down to New York and became a real rich bitch. Don’t be fooled by the rocks that she’s got, she’s still Angelea from the block, though. Her outfit doesn’t really seem like something a rich person would wear.

Kayla Ferrel – Cycle 15

Kayla is The Cool Chick. She’s wearing a funny hat and is worried about staying calm during the shoot. During her cycle she freaked out about doing a shoot with a male model, so I think she stayed surprisingly calm.

Allison Harvard – Cycle 12

Allison is playing The Girlfriend. The client says when she doesn’t look at the camera she looks great.

Bre Scullark – Cycle 5

Bre is playing The Flirt. I kind of want her gold-sequined dress.

Dominique Reighard – Cycle 10

Dominique is playing The Cool Chick.

Bianca Golden – Cycle 9

Bianca is playing The Flirt. She says she doesn’t just want to push the limit; she wants to shove the limit of “the flirt.” She says she didn’t consider the word before she went into the shoot because in the real world they don’t give you a word. But I think they might sometimes. She tells this to Jay, and says “out of all the girls here, I’m the model.” Jay says being 5’11” and having a perfect body doesn’t make you a model, it has to come from within. Jay camera talks that Bianca isn’t actually a model and that she “just missed the model boat because I haven’t seen model this whole season.” He does a sassy “Z” formation with his finger, and then he says “oh, that was harsh.”

Shannon Stewart – Cycle 1

Shannon is The Girlfriend. Jay asks the client if she’s the type of girl EXPRESS would book and the client says not based on this yet. Snap. She also says that Shannon skews a little commercial.

Laura Kirkpatrick – Cycle 13

Laura plays The Flirt. She looks weird with her shaggy bangs haircut.

Alexandria Everett – Cycle 16

Alexandria plays The Socialite. Jay says she’s acting more like a Madam, lolz.

Camille McDonald – Cycle 2

Camille is playing The Socialite. She says that she’s 33 years old, and that EXPRESS would want to hire somebody younger. Yup.

Lisa D’Amato – Cycle 5

Lisa is playing The Cool Chick. She tells the male models that she’s the cool chick and that she’s got the swag and is the “in crowd.” She keeps trying to jump, and Jay says it looks like she’s trying to do a double salchow. Angelea says she was painful to watch. The guys try to hold her for some poses, and it’s really awkward.

Judging

Anthony Zuiker is the guest judge. Anthony says Kayla’s photo is very provocative. Tyra thinks Dominique rocked her photo shoot. Anthony says Camille doesn’t look engaged in her photo. She says it was probably the shot where she was falling down the stairs. I actually like Lisa’s picture, but André Leon Talley says it’s supposed to be happy, but it looks bogus. Lisa complains that the male models were tired and hungry. André tells Angelea she looks like the 716 via Russia. Tyra says she looks fabulous. The judges deliberate. Nigel says Alexandria skews to the 40+ age demographic. Snap. He says the clothes look wretched in Lisa’s shot. Tyra says Bianca’s photo looks amateur.

The girls come back in and Tyra does her spiel: I have 11 ladies standing before me but I hold only 10 photos, blah, blah.

  1. Angelea gets best photo (after being in the bottom 2 last week)
  2. Dominique gets runner up
  3. Allison
  4. Laura
  5. Kayla
  6. Shannon
  7. Bre
  8. Bianca
  9. Alexandria

It comes down to Lisa and Camille. Lisa looks pretty toe up. Tyra says they’re polar opposites of each other – Lisa is out of control and Camille is in control. What they have in common is that they were both full of excuses this week.

10. Lisa makes the cut because she has attitude, branding, and the ability to break out of the pack.

Coming up, on the next episode of America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars: The Kardashians guest judge. LaToya Jackson is there too, because, you know, why not? Lisa and Bianca get into a fight.