Previously, on America’s Next Top Model: All-Star Edition: The girls had a runway challenge modeling clothing from the Kardashian collection on a carousel at the Santa Monica Pier. They had a photo shoot channeling Michael Jackson through the years. Guest judge LaToya Jackson picked Laura as best photo, and in the spirit of her brother, chose to send no one home. Lisa and Bianca “had beef” as the kids say.

Backstage after the panel, Angelea is acting all 716 and gettin’ loud. Bianca is saying she’s there because she deserves to be there, and Lisa is just shaking her head. She says Bianca is a spoiled little brat that bitches and complains if she doesn’t get what she wants. Backstage is pretty janky for a “Tyra Banks” production.

The girls get back to the house, and Laura’s “best photo” is on the wall. Alexandria says she has no problem looking at it every day. Bre is going on about her sister Bianca again, saying she needs to stick up for herself. Look, for all y’all Googlers (yes I occasionally look at my stats. Yes, the number one search query is “are Bre and Bianca really sisters?”): they are not really sisters. They are sistahs. Sisters from another mister. Besties. You get the picture. They are not related.

TYRA Mail!  “If you care about anything, you won’t drop the ball. Fierce and Love, Tyra.” Someone thinks it’s kickball, despite the fact that kickball involves kicking the ball, not holding it. Someone else thinks it will be dangerous. If I had not seen the previews for this episode, I would think it involved juggling. But no one ever asks me what I think, Tyra.

The next day they go to Long Beach, California for a “charity challenge.” “Model/Socialite” Brittny-with-no-E Gastineau and “Fiercely Real” “Supermodel” Julie Henderson are there. Bre can barely keep a straight face when she explains that Brittny Gastineau is a socialite that everyone aspires to be like at some point in their lives. “Fiercely Real” Julie explains that they’re going to play flag football. They don’t have enough players, so they bring back the girls that have been eliminated to play. Kayla is on the red team, and she camera talks that she’s very competitive, and she especially has to win because she’s a lesbian and they’re all good at sports. Mmmkay. For some reason they’re all wearing red shirts, but they’re showing their colors by wearing red or blue bandanas.

NFL players Julian Edelman, Jahvid Best, Kareem Jackson, and Dante Hughes (go Chargers!) join the girls to play for their respective charities. Angelea wants one of them to put a ring on it, haha. Each team gets 2 of the NFL’ers, and the winning team gets $5,000 to split amongst the two players’ charities (hardly seems worth the trip for them, IMO, but maybe one of them will fall madly in love with Angelea and it will all pay off).

Since this is ANTM, there is also a modeling challenge. When they throw a flag, they’re going to call a model’s name who then has to strike a pose for the photographer waiting on the sidelines. The girls all look shocked, like they haven’t already seen the photographer. So they start playing, and all the girls are getting their frustrations out. Bianca tackles Lisa multiple times, but there’s no knock-down drag-out fight or anything. There are lots of blurred out bums because they’re making the girls playing in bikinis. Lisa scores a touchdown and completely loses her bikini bottoms in the process. The blue team ends up winning, and Kayla wins MVM (most valuable model). She wins some jewelry from the Gastineau girl and a photo shoot styled by André Leon Talley for Tyra’s website.

TYRA Mail!  “Get ready to claw your way to the top! Fierce and Love, Tyra.” Everyone yells photo shoot, duh. Alexandria thinks it will have something to do with animals.

The next day, the girls go to “Voyeur” night club for a “bitch fight.” They’re going to be posing in pairs alongside actual supermodel (no quotes) Coco Rocha, pretending that they’re fighting. Douglas Friedman is the photographer. The look is supposed to be late 70s and very high fashion.

Bianca Golden – Cycle 9 & Shannon Stewart – Cycle 1

Bianca and “sensitive spirit” Shannon are paired. Shannon is immediately scared because she and Bianca “had beef” last week.

Kayla Ferrel – Cycle 15 & Allison Harvard – Cycle 12

Jay Manuel say Allison and Kayla’s shoot was embarrassing to watch. The photographer said Allison was “missing” in every shot. Kayla was shocked at the end of the shoot because she felt like she outshone one of her biggest competitors.

Laura Kirkpatrick – Cycle 13 & Angelea Preston – Cycle 14

Jay tells Angelea to crawl up Coco’s leg, and Laura keeps falling over off a stool onto a cushion. Angelea feels intimidated because she was in the bottom two last week and Coco is the queen of posing. In the middle of the photo shoot Angelea starts crying and tells Jay that no matter what she does she feels like it’s not good enough. Jay says even though she’s 716 she can still be a model.

Bre Scullark – Cycle 5 & Alexandria Everett – Cycle 16

Alexandria and Bre are doing all sorts of screams, and Coco says they’re freaking her out. Jay tells Bre she has to flail her dress.

Dominique Reighard – Cycle 10 & Lisa D’Amato – Cycle 5

Jay says Lisa, Dominique, and Coco were the perfect trio of the day.

Back at the house all the girls go in the hot tub. They read the “email of death” with the skull saying that 10 girls will be going to judging but only 9 girls will go on in the competition. They then all do the sad trombone sound (wahn wahn) and I love it.

Judging

At judging Tyra is wearing a sassy pin-striped business shirt, tight black capris, and suspenders. She actually looks pretty hot as opposed to the usual hot mess she shows up as. Nigel says Bianca looks exquisite in her photo. Tyra says Bianca looks like a fabulous praying mantis, but she says that Shannon is upstaged by Bianca. Angelea and Laura’s picture is kind of trippy; Laura looks like she’s sitting, not flying, mid-air. Coco says despite Angelea’s moment, she was very professional. I love, love, love Kayla and Allison’s photo. Tyra says Alexandria looks like a reality show contestant (LOL), and André says Bre looks like a socialite, not like a model. Tyra says Dominique looks like she’s going after the witness of the fight.

Tyra does the usual – she has 10 women standing before her, but only 9 photos.

  1. Dominique gets best photo
  2. Lisa
  3. Bianca
  4. Angelea
  5. Allison
  6. Kayla
  7. Shannon
  8. Laura

It comes down to Bre and Alexandria. Tyra says they are two of the most popular girls from cycles past. Bre has actually grown more beautiful as she’s grown older, but she hasn’t been catching any drama on film. Alexandria has been losing her competitive edge from week to week in the all-stars cycle.

9. Alexandria, but she needs to show the power and strength she showed in Cycle 16.

Coming up, on the next episode of America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars: The girls will be designing their own fragrances. Eva Marcille (Cycle 3 winner) shows up. Kathy Griffin guest judges. Lisa sits in a bath tub with her clothes on, and the girls have a photo shoot on motorcycles.