This week’s Switched at Birth is all about learning. Learning who we are, learning how to plank, learning what books are. Everyone’s learning something new.

Emmitt and Bay go on the Kansas City approximation of a hipsters-in-love date, which means taking on photography and an outdated internet meme. They photograph each other planking at a bus stop. Romance is in the air. E-Bay heads home for a sexy photoshop sesh that is swiftly ruined by Mommy Dearest Marlee Matlin. In a rush of angry faces and furious signing, Bay ascertains that Momma’s pissed because Emmitt dropped AP Bio in favor of speech therapy and she is sure Bay is the reason for it.

Daphne gets her angst on

Over at Kennish Manor, Kathryn stands at the kitchen counter, her hair in an immaculate bun, surrounded by a thousand bundt cakes her empty stare cast into the bottom of a coffee mug of gin. “How very Mad Men of you, mom!” Bay says, not knowing how right she is. Kathryn stumbles out of the kitchen in her apron, shoes on the wrong feet muttering something about having to meet with that reporter in a last ditch effort to feel useful.

The meeting with Tina Choi: Asian Reporter is enlightening, in that Kathryn realizes she doesn’t quite understand what a reporter is. Tina Choi- who wrote a searing expose on the Switched at Birth phenom in the last season- somehow knows everything about everything, which is just bewildering to Kathryn who only knows some things about cooking and it’s all a little foggy anyway. Tina Choi: Asian Reporter reveals that Switched at Birth is not only a sensational newspeg, it is going to be a literary sensation. Lady, you gonna be a book! Kathryn is sent on an emotional rollercoaster down the road of self-discovery.

Daphne meanwhile must reassure her mother that she is capable of navigating the world alone, now that her knight in shining armor has taken on the standard of another fair lady. Daphne’s all, “whatever mom. I can handle this.” She scowls and stomps off like the typical American teen that she is. She is really getting that angst down pat.

Guitarface has changed their name back to Guitarface and in a similarly brilliant move, plans to sell fake IDs to underage drinkers in an effort to raise enough money to buy a capybara- which is a giant hamster from the Amazon, by the way- and make a music video that will go viral and then they’ll finally be able to crash and burn like any good rock star. Also at some point, Toby plays the ukelele and Wilkie insists on wearing a man-tank-top so as not to “holster the guns.” Therein is the entirety of their storyline this week.

This is about as relevant as Toby gets this week.

Bay and Daphne posture and preen in a slow, soft mating dance with Emmitt firmly at the center. Bay wins this round, forcing Daphne to scowl about something else and so she chooses basketball and popularity. Regarding the former, She’s invited to a pickup game by Simone, last week’s mystery girl who originally existed to introduce what is still the best band name in a while: Helen Mirren’s Cleavage. This week’s character development note is that she is a crazy slut. Regarding the latter, Simone invites Daphne to a college bar out near U of KC for the change to meet tons of college boiz. This will require a fake ID, and so the plot thickens! Or at least includes Wilkie now.

This is the winter of Daphne’s discontent, or so it seems, and she is in full on rebellion mode. She sneaks into a bar with her new slutty friends, turns down Wilkie in a spectacular showing of bitchiness, makes out with some random dude whose girlfriend is ready for a straight up bitchfight, and quits the deaf basketball team! This last one is probably for the best since it’s a deaf basketball team and she’s been scouted for a real one- at Buckner Hall, Bay and Toby’s swanky private school- but John is super pissed, seeing as he started coaching a hopeless deaf basketball team all for her.

Bay is just beside herself over this Momma Marlee Matlin debacle. See, Triple M is convinced Bay is just ruining her son’s life, forcing him into a life of crime, drugs, and speech therapy. She goes to Kathryn- who is absentmindedly tying her twentieth flower arrangement of the morning while swilling that same mug of gin- for advice. Clearly it’s been a long morning for Kath. “Remind me who Emmitt is again, there have just been so many lately. Honey, you’ve become a bit of a slut. But you like this one so, ok. Less sarcasm, more artichoke dip.” And so Bay sets out to win the heart of the evil Momma Marlee Matlin with a bowl of dip and a brave face. It all comes crashing down over a game of monopoly, though. Bay, in her attempt to participate, confuses the sign for “hanging out” with “circumcising” which gives Marlee Matlin the opportunity to sign “penis” prompting the most direct reference to sex on ABC Family yet, and no one’s even pregnant on this show. Bay stomps off in a huff- she and Daphne must be working together.

Emmitt is furious at his mother for humiliating his girlfriend with her withering stares and silent laughs- deaf humiliation is felt much deeper, and Mother and son embark on a truly stunning silent argument, which resembles the final duel between Harry and Voldemort. Here too, neither can live while the other survives, so Momma Marlee Matlin promises to be nicer, and so E-bay will live to see another day.

Cliffhanger! Kathryn discovers books! Will her straight A’s in high school English parlay into a meteoric rise to success as a memoirist?

Cliffhanger! Daphne quits the deaf basketball team, but will her night of passion underage drinking and making out with a random dude come back to bite her in the ass?

Cliffhanger! Bay warned Daphne that her new friend Simone is- well, something ominous. No one ever finished that sentence. What does it all mean?

Cliffhanger! Emmitt is arrested in his own garage! We know not for what, but there is some serious police brutality going down in the KC.

One Liner of the Night: My friend’s colostomy bag is about to explode!