America’s Next Top Model is back, and it’s not all-stars anymore. Although I’m going to miss my girl Allison, I’m looking forward to a new batch of young hopefuls with a gleam in their eye and no food in their bellies.

The episode opens with some cheesy old footage of British people, and Tyra voicing over that the British are coming. From royalty to rebellious fashion, apparently “we” are all obsessed with everything British. So apparently they’re having seven models from the USA go up against seven models from the UK – it’s their first international competition ever! (even though they usually go somewhere overseas in every cycle, so I don’t know why that’s not considered international). Regardless, it’s going to be “the ultimate smackdown.”

We start right off with the 14 girls meeting up at Universal Studio City Walk, and I’m kind of glad, because the whole narrowing down the competition from 100 girls thing is a little exhausting. They are greeted by Miss J. Alexander and Nigel Barker. Miss J announces that for the first time ever in Top Model history it is the Brits vs. the Americans. Nigel says they’re going to celebrate by throwing them a “fierce parade” which will end in a good old-fashioned walk off.

The girls go to makeup and get ready for the fierce parade, and Azmarie and Laura talk about having sex with girls. The American girls find out that all the British girls have previously been on Britain’s Next Top Model, and some of them are intimidated.

So the fierce parade starts, and all the girls are dressed in patriotic-type outfits. The US girls are screaming and shouting, and the UK girls are like, “tea and scones…” So there’s a big audience, and somehow they’re supposed to judge the girls or something?

The girls talk turns shit talking each other and then doing walk offs. Laura goes up against Annaliese. Catherine goes up against Mariah. Jasmia goes up against Azmarie. Ashley goes up against Candace. Alisha goes up against Eboni. Sophie goes up against Kyle. Louise goes up against Seymone.

The girls get to their house and there is a wing for the UK girls and a wing for the USA girls. Alisha wants to sit down and get to know the other girls properly, and in the mean time the USA girls are going skinny dipping in the pool…sheesh they’re making us look so bad.

The next day the girls get The next day the girls get Tyra Mail: “Prepare to clash cultures! Fierce and Love, Tyra.” Kyle thinks that the American girls are going to dress British and vice versa.

Jay Manuel meets them at their photo shoot and explains that one girl from the UK and one girl from the US will be paired in each photo. Each girl will be representing an iconic figure and instead of having a traditional photographer they are going to be shooting with 60 cameras at the same time for a 3D image. There are two trampolines so that they can catch their images mid-air.

Azmarie – 24 – USA

Azmarie is from Milwaukee, Wisconsin and she claims to be androgynous and able to beautiful as male or female. Azmarie plays George Washington.

Catherine – 21 – UK

Catherine is from Folkestone, England. Catherine models as Queen Elizabeth I.

Candace – 22 – USA

Candace is from Brooklyn, New York; she models as Janet Jackson.

Annaliese – 24 – UK

Annaliese is from London, England and is a TV and radio presenter in the UK. She claims America is not ready for the British invasion. Annaliese plays Mel B from the Spice Girls.

Laura – 20 – USA

Laura is from Scotia, New York; she is a “true bisexual.” She is dressed as Madonna.

Alisha – 20 – UK

Alisha is from South London, England, and she grew up in “the ghetto.” She is modeling as Elton John, and is not happy about the situation. Jay says she kept spoofing Elton John instead of showing a fashion interpretation of him.

Seymone – 19 – USA

Seymone is from Augusta, Georgia, and she is a plus-size model. If she doesn’t win ANTM, she has to “settle for dental assisting.” She is dressed as Michelle Obama.

Sophie – 21 – UK

Sophie is from Oxford, England and she wants to crack the US modeling market. She is modeling as Margaret Thatcher.

Kyle – 20 – USA

Kyle is from Magnolia, Texas and she’s never been to California before. She is posing as Andy Warhol.

Louise – 25 – UK

Louise is from Essex, England, and she is a plus size model. She is modeling as Amy Winehouse.

Mariah – 20 – USA

Mariah is from Pendleton, Oregon; she’s Native American and grew up on a reservation. She’s the first Native American ever to be on America’s Next Top Model. Is it racist that she’s modeling as Pocahontas? She’s happy about it, so I guess not.

Jasmia – 24 – UK

Jasmia is from London, England, and in addition to modeling she is a dating coach. She is dressed as John Lennon.

Eboni – 18 – USA

Eboni is from Seattle, Washington; she is a first-generation college student. She is Jacqueline Kennedy for the photo shoot.

Ashley – 22 – UK

Ashley is from Armadale, Scotland and has the craziest, thickest accent on the show. Seriously, they have to subtitle everything she says. She has a daughter and a son. She is dressed as Princess Diana. Jay says she is too timid on the shoot, and that she has potential but she needs to believe in herself.

The girls go back to the house. Both the Americans and the Brits think that the other team is going to all get sent home first and then they’ll fight it out amongst themselves.

Judging: The girls meet up with Tyra and they’re all wearing horrible patriotic lipstick. Tyra introduces the judges: Nigel Barker, new judge Kelly Cutrone, and guest judge Kelly Osbourne.

The prizes this cycle are: a spread in Italian Vogue, an appearance on Vogue.it, a position as a celebrity guest correspondent on Extra, a single produced and released by CBST, and will be the new face of the new America’s Next Top Model fragrance called “Dream Come True,” a modeling contract with LA models, and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl.

No one gets especially great critiques, and Kelly Cutrone proves to be especially tough on the girls. I like her, I like her a lot. Kelly Osbourne says that Alisha looks less like Elton John and more like a pissed-off Aladdin. Both Nigel and Kelly Osbourne say something about the fact that Mariah is Native American, so she should’ve been better at being Pocahontas, which seems incredibly wrong to me.

The girls come back in, and Tyra does her thing: 14 girls stand before me, 7 from the USA, 7 from the UK…yadda yadda yadda…but I only have 13 photos in my hand.

  1. Seymone gets best photo – USA
  2. Kyle – USA
  3. Sophie – UK
  4. Laura – USA
  5. Catherine – UK
  6. Candace – USA
  7. Mariah – USA
  8. Azmarie – USA
  9. Eboni – USA
  10. Louise – UK
  11. Alisha – UK
  12. Annaliese – UK

It comes down to Jasmia and Ashley. Jasmia had John Lennon and she didn’t embody a smidgen of him. Ashley didn’t show anything of Princess Diana either. Ashley is chosen because she has a light, energy, and personality that the judges liked.

13. Ashley – UK

Next time, on America’s Next Top Model: British Invasion, it’s the makeover show! That bitch Kris Jenner shows up.