You have no idea how excited I am for this premiere. We open on the USA training center with athletes from every sport imaginable are training for the Olympics. Our girls are almost as excited as I am, until I see Sasha, now I’m ecstatic. He’s talking to the Olympic team coach who’s hard as nails. He rips each of our girls to shreds; this journey is not nearly over.

Cut to a black girl we’ve never seen before riding in a semi with a truck driver who looks suspiciously like Large Marge from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. ZOMG, her name is Marge. I think this girl is supposed to be a simultaneous replacement for both Emily and Kelly Parker while at the same time adding a little color to the cast. ABC Family clearly got a talking to. The new coach is black too.

There’s a new opener where the girls are rising on Olympic podiums. I hate it.

We learn that Lauren is developing her own fragrance and according to Payson, it smells like bug spray.

BOY CHECK: Payson is still with Max. Kaylie is still with Austin and he’s training for the men’s team. Lauren has serious plans to slut around during their eight weeks at the training center.

As Lauren hugs her father goodbye, she gets lightheaded. When he questions her, she says it’s probably the altitude. Um, isn’t she from Colorado? Also, in adding to the list of things I miss, I miss Summer and Roz. And Mrs. Kmetko. Are we without parents this season? But who’s going to act like adolescents?

The new black girl, who I believe is named Jordan, is trying to convince the new black coach to let her try out for the Olympic team. He refuses, but it looks like she’s not going to take no for an answer.

At the training center, all the different teams try to steal a statue because the team that possesses it at the end of camp is said to always medal. Lauren makes it her mission to steal “Otis” from the wrestling team.

At the first practice we meet our enemies, especially one super-peppy junior gymnast that I want to back handspring right onto her face. The coach has a daily ranking system in which the top gymnasts are trained by him and the lower ranks are trained by the assistant coaches and let me tell you, you do not want to be trained by the assistant coaches. Just as the rigorous practice gets going, Lauren gets another dizzy spell and is sent to the nutritionist who also happens to be the coach’s wife.

Back at the dorms, Lauren steals Payson’s letter from Max and sees that he is breaking up with her.

The girls head to a party where Austin announces that he and Kaylie are trying to become a power couple and get endorsements together. Payson meets a super cute guy. She turns him down, but I’m totally into him.

Payson announces that she’s going to go back to her dorm in a bit and spend some time with her boyfriend. Seeing that she’s in a long distance relationship, I can only assume it’s something that shouldn’t be said on ABC Family. Payson reads her letter from Max and is heartbroken. So much so that she throws practice the other day and, oh, has to be coached by the assistant coaches.

New black girl is sleeping in a tent and talking to herself. This is very reminiscent of when I used to live on Hollywood Blvd. Oh wait, she’s talking to a bunny. That makes it so much better. The next day she shows up to practice, but the coach still won’t let her practice with the team.

The girls and Austin try to help Payson get over Max. Austin’s brilliant solution is to tell Payson that Max is bisexual and that he kissed him. It did not work.

Lauren comes up with a great idea to steal Otis from the wrestling team. When the girls aren’t game, Lauren says, “I did not spend the last half hour making out with a 200lb gorilla so you could sit here feeling sorry for yourself.” Quote of the episode.

Lauren uses gymnastics to get to the top of the building where Otis is kept, but then suffers another dizzy spell. What is going on with her? Needless to say, Otis is not up there, the wrestlers tricked them. Oh, it is on.

Meanwhile, the coach watches a tape of new black girl and decides to give her a chance. He meets up with our girls and makes them burn their Rock jackets to show that they are on his team and introduces them to new black girl.

MIOBI Statistics

Lauren: Broke it. Someone needs to figure out what’s going on with those dizzy spells. We can’t los another one. I miss Emily.

Kaylie: Was she even in this episode?

Payson: Broke it. That girl needs to check her heart at the door and leave her man-kissing boyfriend in the dust.

New Black Girl: Made it. To tryouts, that is.