On the last episode before the finale, our MIOBI heroes pull out every last elite gymnastics cliché that the writers can think of.

We’ve already covered the following:

  • Teen pregnancy (Emily)
  • Anorexia (Kaylie)
  • Broken backs (Payson)
  • Kerri Strug copy-cats (Payson)
  • Escaping muggers with round-offs (the fab four)
  • Non-stripper moms (Mrs. Kmetko)
  • Coach-banging moms (Mrs. Cruz)
  • Racist manager moms (Kathy Najimy)
  • Former stars of “Frasier” moms…wait, seriously, I miss all the moms

But tonight we forged a frontier that I’ve been waiting, hoping that we’d get to.

First, Baby G decides her best course of action for taking out Kaylie is to make her a smoothie containing pseudoephedrine (or something else that has similar letters in it). Yes, it might be just aspirin or something equally harmless, but the drama ensues, or doesn’t, or possibly will next week.

What follows next is a bunch of drama with Lauren having some sort of radioactive wave procedure and has some trouble getting back on the beam, but with the help of her girls and a token black guy, she’s back to training, or not, possibly next week. Can you sense a pattern?

And then it really goes down. The coach that tore apart Jordan and Kaylie’s friendship shows up to help the team train. Jordan wants nothing to do with him and won’t talk to anyone about it. Until she snaps and smashes his car and confesses to Kaylie that Coach Ray molested her for years. Finally! Seriously, with the exception of a few awful weeks, these girls have had nothing but male coaches all the way through the series. And no one’s gotten hit on, except Sasha, that is.

It turns out, Jordan excluded Kaylie all those years ago to protect her and now she’s afraid that he’s going to do the same thing to Baby G (and after the blatant thigh grab earlier in the episode, I’m inclined to agree with her). Just then the cops show up and Kaylie and Jordan are on the run. Will they make it to safety? Possibly next week…

Our girls have a lot to overcome in only one hour. Who’s going to the Olympics? Who’s going to get molested? Who’s having smoothies?

So I challenge you, MIOBI fans, for the series finale next week, what sort of snack should I make?

MIOBI Stats

Lauren (Cassie Scerbo): Made it back on the beam for half a routine

Payson (Ayla Kell): Made it with some kickass salsa moves and a new floor routine

Kaylie (Josie Loren): Made it through her break-up and ready to go to the Olympics if aspirin doesn’t get in her way.

Baby G: Made it with Coach Ray

Jordan (Chelsea Tavares): Made it for admitting the truth, but broke it (it, being Coach Ray’s car).