OMS (Oh My Smize, as Tyra would say) you guys, it’s Cycle 19 of America’s Next Top Model! Yeah seriously, this show just keeps going. It’s been doomed to the dreaded Friday 8PM time slot of doom, though. I mean, it’s okay for me, because I’m 87 years old and I enjoy staying in on Friday nights with a nice warm mug of milk. But what about the target demographic of America’s Next Top Model? Will there be a Cycle 20? Let’s hope so, because I love all the campy drama of this show, and the College Edition looks like it’s gonna be a doozy of a season.

Cycle 19 opens with a video Tyra Banks has made with a bearded hipster in a long blonde wig. His/her name is “Patrique,” and he/she shows up in a variety of settings, by the pool, in the nail salon, in the women’s restroom, with Tyra as she freaks out over what they’re going to do for the 19th Cycle. Patrique recommends a baby edition, with Suri Cruise, Blue Ivy Carter, and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt as a judging panel. Okay, that is just ludicrous because Suri Cruise would never share the spotlight with Shiloh.

Tyra says it’s like her baby (the show) has grown up and gone off to college, and then she smizes, and says she’s going to have a college cycle. And everyone at home can decide who should stay and who should go home. Patrique says “look at you with your big, fierce, Harvard college ideas,” and now we see what this is all about. Tyra really just wants to wave her recently acquired Harvard business degree in everyone’s faces. You know she’s going to mention it in every episode. I’ll put money on it.

Tyra announces that the home audience is going to have a hand in voting who stays and who goes this cycle. She also announces that former boxer and international male supermodel Rob Evans will join the panel as a judge, and top fashion blogger Bryanboy will act as social media correspondent. In addition, famed stylist Johnny Wujek will be the new photo shoot creative consultant. Does that mean no more Miss Jay, Jay Manuel, or Nigel Barker??? No wonder it got moved to Friday nights!

The top 30 college models show up to some kind of house party and they all start to introduce themselves. Their schools range from Harvard to USC to Liberty Online University…record scratch! Really? That shouldn’t count. Taryn Manning the “DJ/Actor” is randomly there with her laptop, she announces Tyra, and of course all the girls go crazy. Tyra introduces Kelly Cutrone, Rob Evans, Johnny Wujek, and the fans as the fourth judge – apparently we’re all going to vote on the photo shoots, which I don’t know how that’s going to work.

They’re going to have a walk off and a photo shoot to decide the finalists. All the girls are wearing their bikinis and heels, of course, so they get ready for the walk off. Taryn announces the girls as they walk off against each other two by two on the runway that juts out over the swimming pool. They show random people tweeting about the girls as they walk, but I don’t really know if they’re live tweeting or what. This whole fans decide thing just baffles me. Really, I need more information.

Tyra has really bad roots. I guess she’s going all out “college style” for this cycle. The girls then do a photo shoot with their tiny shirts and bikini bottoms. The photos are posted on Facebook, and the girls get to see what people are saying about them online. Because nothing raises a teenager’s self-esteem like anonymous people on the interwebs!

The girls come out and do interviews with Tyra, Johnny, Kelly Cutrone, and Rob. They each introduce themselves, the judges look at their best picture, and then Tyra reads what the Facebook fans say about them. They also show the girls talking backstage, and they’re all really bitchy. I can’t really bother with all the different girls, let’s just get to the 13 finalists.

Tyra gathers the girls after all the interviews and announces the new prize package. The winner will receive:

  • A photo spread in Nylon magazine
  • Be the face of the America’s Next Top Model fragrance, “Dream Come True”
  • A modeling contract with LA Models and New York Model Management
  • Campaigns with Nine West and Smashbox Cosmetics
  • $100,000 cash prize

I can’t believe Cover Girl isn’t a sponsor of the show anymore, amirite? Tyra finally announces the 13 finalists:

Alyssa, 20, Florida State UniversityBrittany, 18, Chandler-Gilbert Community College/Disney College ProgramDarian, 22, Louisiana State UniversityDestiny, 18, Aveda Institute of Columbus

Jessie, 23, University of Southern California

Kiara, 22, University of California – Irvine

Kristin, 19, Florida State College of Jacksonville

Laura, 21, Paul Smith’s College

Leila, 20, University of Rhode Island

Maria, 22, Harvard Divinity School

Nastasia, 19, East Stroudsburg University

Victoria, 18, Liberty University (ONLINE)

Yvonne, 20, University of Texas at Austin

The finalists run into their “sorority house” and claim their different rooms. They dance around, they booty tooch (as we all do when celebrating).

Next time, on America’s Next Top Model: College Edition: The girls have some kind of dance-in-the-club-like-a-stripper challenge.