It’s the final week of the 2012 Olympics and there’s already been a slew of five-ringed goodness … from Michael Phelps’ and Gabby Douglas’ historic wins to Wojdan Shaherkani’s first-of-its-kind participation in the Games.

Still, you only have a few days left to care about the sports we only care about every four years. That means waking up at five o’clock in the morning to watch China try to sweep gold in table tennis – and wondering why the playing surface isn’t littered with half-empty red plastic beer cups. Or watching wrestling only to be disappointed when one contestant doesn’t grab a microphone and threaten to use his opponent’s GI tract as a jump rope.

But fret not! There is still time to watch field hockey and wonder why the sticks are so short. Or just contemplate why the IOC doesn’t just go one step further and turn handball into dodgeball. We probably could all use a refresher on the Five D’s of Dodgeball.

Or you could just watch Kobe, LeBron and company go And1 on the rest of the world in a mostly futile attempt to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with the 1992 Dream Team. Sequels are rarely as good as the original, but it doesn’t make 83-point wins any less fun.

It all wraps up with Sunday night’s closing ceremony when we salute our British hosts with one last raised pint and hand things off to the Brazilians for a festival of thongs and Caipirinhas in Rio for 2016. Tudo bem!

This week’s Dude Tube Picks to Click

John Wayne marathon – All day Friday, AMC

If you’re doing a series called “AMC Cowboys” and you don’t include a heavy dose John Wayne, you probably shouldn’t be doing a series called “AMC Cowboys”. Friday is dedicated entirely to The Duke, beginning with one of his last roles in Cahill, United States Marshal and wrapping up with Wayne playing an old gunslinger in El Dorado. After about 15 hours of tough-talkin’, straight-shootin’, steely-eyed Westernness, you’ll probably agree with one thing. He never would have made it as Marion Morrison.

NTSF:SD:SUV – Friday, 12:15 a.m., Adult Swim

Carrying more letters on their jackets than an overachieving high schooler, the agents of National Terrorism Strike Force: San Diego: Sport Utility Vehicle are back on the case for Season Two. It’s another season of diabolically silly villains played by a host of top-list celebrities. I love it when things like this come to, what I like to call, gether.

Comedy Central Roast of Roseanne – Sunday, 10 p.m., Comedy Central

If you grow tired of the watching Olympics patting themselves on the back for being so great, head down the dial and watch celebrities tear down one of their own. Roseanne did for dysfunctional Midwestern families what Bill Cosby did for unbelievably functional black suburban ones. It was like a live action version of “The Simpsons”. And now America thanks her by verbally poking her with a stick and laughing about it. What a country! Somehow it’s only fitting that Jane Lynch serves as roastmaster. What? Sandra Bernhard wasn’t available?

Boogeyman – Saturday, 9 p.m., Syfy

Having just watched the 1966 (ahem!) classic War of the Planets, my embarrassingly insatiable appetite for bad cinema is once again whetted. Thank goodness for Syfy’s always-open B-movie buffet. Not content just to stay in your dreams, the Boogeyman (apparently “the world’s oldest predator” – I wonder if sharks got that memo?) is out to wreck shop in 21st century America. Hopefully he’s stepped his game up. 21st century America’s pretty scary, too.

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