With Joey Fatone gone, in addition to more craft service for everyone, the remaining stars are back to battle it out while being the “creative directors” of their dances this week.  This means they have “total control” over their routines, which happen to be based on “iconic” routines from past seasons.  If this makes absolutely no sense then you are following correctly. Also Brooke Burke promises “two bombshell announcements” besides the massive boobs that are popping out of her dress.

Drew & Anna: Drew and Anna put their spin on Joey McIntire’s Cha Cha from season one to “Crazy in Love” and the result is a bizarre striptease with a giant fan and a few awkward headstands.  Len says, “Overall it was terrific” and Bruno compares it to “Magic Mike.”  Carrie Ann “loves the sexy Anna Drew brought out.”  Judges’ Score: 24. 

Gilles & Peta: Gilles thinks it’s rude to take someone else’s past dance that is currently on the show, so he chooses to recreate Erin Andrew’s Tango and he also wants to fly.  It’s obvious that Gilles is sleeping with Peta, as he gropes her while she basically wears lingerie.  Bruno says, “That was 50 Shades of Gilles.”  Carrie Ann says, “You were out of sync” and Len, “Liked the menace.” Judges’ Score: 25.5.

Melissa & Tony:  These two decide to perform J.R. Martinez’s Samba, but add a bunch of weird dangerous moves because hey its All-Stars, and ALL BETS ARE OFF.  They pull off the moves, and the judges love it.  Carrie Ann says it was “stellar” and Len says, “It was like a can of cola, it was fizzy, it was refreshing, it was satisfying.”  Bruno calls the choreography, “More imaginative than ever.” Judges’ Score: 27.

Apolo & Karina:  Apolo is recreating Gilles’s Foxtrot to “Fever” because he wants to show his “sexy side” but not his “man boobs.”  Basically Karina is a statue that comes alive, makes Apolo fall in love with her and then turns back into a statue again.  Don’t you hate when that happens?  This dance doesn’t have as many smoke and mirrors as others, but the dancing is great.  Len says, “It’s a terrific dance” and Bruno calls it “Sensual, classy, and classic.”  Carrie Ann “thinks it was absolutely stunning.” Judges’ Score: 25.5.

Kelly & Val:  Kelly tries to stir up controversy by choosing one of Maks’s Paso Doble routines because she thinks Val can do better than his brother.  Well his chest is definitely as scarily shiny as Maks’s and he also knows how to wear a cropped jacket.  But as much as I can’t stand Kelly, the dance is great and Bruno calls it “a defining performance.”  Carrie Ann says, “Val and Kelly you are the couple to watch.”  Len says, “Terrific expression from your face and beautiful musicality from the arms.” Judges’ Score: 27.

First “bombshell” dropped: Paula Abdul will be a guest judge next week.  Calling this a “bombshell” is insulting.

Kirstie & Maks:  Kirstie is recreating Carson Kressley’s “Moves like Jagger” Cha Cha, which happens to be a personal fav of mine.  The dance is what I imagine an acid trip to be – starts out fun and then takes a turn for the worse. Also, Maks is wearing a wig that makes him look like Javier Bardem in “No Country For Old Men” – frightening.  Carrie Ann says, “That was your best dance of the season” and Len calls it “the whole package.”  Bruno says, “It’s the most fun I’ve had up until now.” Judges’ Score: 24.

Sabrina & Louis:  Sabrina recreates a Paso Doble from her season, which was performed the week after she was eliminated.  In an attempt to stay on top of the leader board Sabrina dances her heart out, but unfortunately stumbles on her Paso dress! Damn that dress!  Len says, “It was a fabulous routine, well done.”  Bruno calls her a “fabulous dancer” and Carrie Ann decides to party poop and says “I don’t feel like you brought anything new.” Judges’ Score: 25.5.

Emmitt & Cheryl:  Emmitt decides to perform a Paso Doble that was originally done by Mario Lopez.  The set is equipped with a saloon, drunks, and flailing capes.  Emmitt’s charisma pulls it off and Bruno says, “The Raging Bull is back.”  Carrie Ann calls him “the human torpedo” and Len says, “You got presence and come out and dominate the floor.” Judges’ Score: 25.

Helio & Chelsie: After being in the bottom two, Helio performs Apolo’s Quickstep from Season four to the song, “Mr. Pinstripe Suit.”   Helio doesn’t want to go home, so he decides to make “Pinstripes” the theme of the dance and has the lighting crew project stripes all over the stage – yikes.  Unfortunately Helio and Chelsie are out of sync for the majority of the dance, with Helio even stepping on her dress at one point. Carrie Ann points out the mistake, but Len says, “This dance deserves to be back next week, because it was so good.” Judges’ Score: 25.5.

Second Bombshell: The All-Stars will be picking the dance styles for each other for next week.  This is new and different, but still not a bombshell.

Bristol & Mark: Bristol Palin has a major tantrum in rehearsal because she feels like Mark doesn’t really want to have her as a partner.   Hmm maybe she’s not that dumb.  Mark says, “I’ve never not stuck up for you” and Bristol calls him out on not showing up for rehearsal and “wanting to go home.”  YIKES.  They also dance a Paso Doble, surrounded by giant chess pieces, but the entire time I wish I was watching more of that rehearsal footage.  Bristol does okay because she’s just an okay dancer.   Len says, “Easily your best dance so well done.”  Bruno says, “You’re lines were better than ever” and Carrie Ann says, “You’re proving yourself a worthy competitor.”  AWKWARD. Judges’ Score: 22.5.

Shawn & Derek: Shawn chooses to recreate Helio’s Quickstep, while breaking a lot of “rules” in the process.  The result is by far the most entertaining dance of the night, with splits, high-kicks and front flips.  Bruno says, “This is a classic, one of the best, if not the best dance in 15 seasons.”  Carrie Ann says, “You gave me happy feet” and then she flashes Len.  Len loves the dance, but says he has to be fair and deduct for the rule breakage. Judges’ Score: 26.5. 

Everyone upped their game tonight, but Drew Lachey or Helio Castroneves will most likely be sent packing tomorrow night.

 

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