Dancing With the Stars All-Stars: Week Two

With Pamela Anderson gone, the 12 remaining All-Stars are back in the ballroom for round two. Unfortunately Tristan won’t be gracing us with his handsome presence so we can only hope for a performance during tomorrow night’s results show.

Melissa & Tony: After being injured for her jive the first time around, Melissa is back with a spunky jive, filled with kicks, flips and shimmies and the judges love it. Len says, “Great technique, I loved it” and Bruno calls her “the fastest girl in town” which normally would not be a good thing. Carrie Ann says, “You were made to jive.” Judges’ Score: 23.5.

Bristol & Mark: Bristol is dancing her Quickstep to a song called “Redneck Woman.” Bristol says the song is “so her” because she “is a redneck and always has a baby on her hip and likes to shoot guns.” So to get herself pumped for the routine she brings Mark to a shooting range and shoots just about every type of gun that exists. Their country themed routine had plenty of gyrating hips (mostly Mark’s), cowboy boots, and a glass beer bottle being broken over someone’s head, but it also had plenty of mistakes. Bruno says, “You were not in hold enough” and Carrie Ann and Len also don’t like how they broke hold halfway through the dance, Len goes on to say, “I liked the hoedown, but the technique was a little lowdown.” You judges need to understand, Ballas can’t be tamed with your choreography rules! For Bristol’s sake, lets up the NRA likes to vote. Judges’ Score: 18.

Helio & Chelsie: This week Helio definitely proves why he was a champ in the first place. His Jive is quick fun and filled with charm despite being to that annoying Neon Trees song that I liked for .5 seconds (meow!). Carrie Ann says, “You were right on it” and Len says, “You got style with a smile.” Bruno calls it “a delicious treat of a jive.” Judges’ Score: 23.

Apolo & Karina: Apolo is determined to “get back on the podium” with his Quickstep after a disappointing Cha Cha last week. The routine is quick, complicated and impressive. Len says, “Gold medal” and Bruno says, “Your footwork was incredible.” Carrie Ann says, “You were truly driving the dance and that is the key to winning the competition.” Judges’ Score: 24.5.

Sabrina & Louis: After getting dropped down some steps in rehearsal by Louis, Sabrina comes back fighting with a swift Quickstep. Side note: It still looked like Louis was going to drop her during the scary move because Sabrina could easily bench-press him. Bruno calls it “a true dazzler” and Carrie Ann says a bunch of incoherent things followed by “Awesome!” Judges’ Score: 26.

Kirstie & Maks: After Maks busted out some latex gloves and abusive comments during rehearsal; Kirstie gives a somewhat disturbing Jive performance. Watching her grind up against a light post wearing a flapper bob wig is not something I ever wanted to / needed to see in my lifetime – same goes for Maks in cropped pants and suspenders. Kirstie is okay but she’s slow and quite frankly she can’t keep up with the caliber of the other performances even if the judges are just saying nice things to keep her on the show. Carrie Ann says, “Age is just a number” and Len says, “I thought it was a great improvement on last week.” Bruno says, “Experience counts and you showed it.” Judges’ Score: 21.

Emmitt & Cheryl: After being on the top of the leader board last week Emmitt and Cheryl make their best attempt to stay there with a fun Quickstep. Len loves his “cool cat attitude” and Bruno “loves the energy, but the frame wasn’t quite right.” Carrie Ann is just annoying and thinks he didn’t “up his game from last week.” Judges’ Score: 22.5.

Drew & Anna: After being in the bottom two last week, Drew is determined to show the judges “Dynamic Drew.” He does that along with some more bad tattoos that were hiding under his arms – major suns out guns out happening. Carrie Ann says, “Welcome home Drew” and Len says, “Bottom two Drew, not this week.” Judges’ Score: 22.5.

Joey & Kym: Joey is having a hard time moving his “large waistline” fast enough for the Quickstep. But dress him up like Charlie Chaplin and do a bizarre lounge version of Radiohead’s “Creep” and Fatone is flying across the dance floor sticking his tongue out (which is so early 2000s). Carrie Ann loves the performance and Len does too, but he also points out all the mistakes. Bruno says, “Technically it could’ve been better.” Judges’ Score: 22.5.

Shawn & Derek: Shawn doesn’t like not being in the top three so she decides to throw some gymnastics into her Jive by cart wheeling down the stairs, which is the equivalent of anyone else just walking. Len wants to see “more than enough” and Bruno doesn’t agree with Len and calls it, “vibrant, exhilarating, and eye popping.” Hate to say it, but I could’ve used more Jive as well. Judges’ Score: 25.

Kelly & Valentine: To prove it’s really hard to dance with “a huge rack” that she probably paid for; Kelly makes Val wear a bra with water balloons during rehearsal. The result is disturbing, but you can tell Val enjoyed it. Once the fog cleared and you could actually see their performance it was pretty good. Bruno says, “You have to watch it in hold because you lose your frame.” Carrie Ann says, “Dance bigger” and Len thinks “overall a good job.” Judges’ Score: 22.

Gilles & Peta: Gilles pulled a hamstring but he’s still going to jive with a suit jacket and now shirt underneath! He flicks and kicks through the pain and Len says, “The key to winning is being consistent” and Bruno comments on his cleavage. Carrie Ann says he has “the best kicks and flicks of the night.” Judges’ Score: 25.5.

Another week of great performances, but if all is fair in the world Bristol Palin will be going home tomorrow night.