This week on Bravo’s Start Ups: Silicon Valley: People Who Make You Wish the Internet Was Never Invented, we find our fledgling billionaires grappling with pseudo-existentialism manifested in rejection, isolation and a dwindling supply of self-bronzer.

Last week, I introduced you to the Lannister Twins (Hermoine and Ben Way), and their evil quest to syphon the lifeforce of the pitiful young subjects of the Kingdom of “Silliken” Valley through their utterly horrifying soothsayer “Ignite” iPhone app. The beginning of this week’s show finds Cersei Lannister looking for a way to regroup the twins’ efforts, having failed in their first attempt to find a suitable a venture capital backer.

To cleanse their clan of the evil spirits that dogged them, Cersei Lannister calls on her clan of loyal servants to engage in a mighty primal scream, to awaken the demonic Griffin who serves as her unholy slave, and unleash his fearsome powers. Jamie Lannister , Cersei Lannister and some poor soul who fears for life scream at the top of their lungs on the balcony. Cersei Lannister says they are doing this in memory of the spirit of Steve Jobs, whose soul she has trapped in a blood-filled amulet she keeps around her neck.

Back at the Chateau De Bikini Wax, Sarah is feeling grief stricken. She confides to poor David, who just wishes for once he could be the pretty blonde heroine in a reality show. “Oh why, why, why didn’t I listen to my agent and go on the call back to ‘Flipping Out!’” he laments. “I could have been a disgruntled assistant or a lax contractor.” But that is not to be, and David is trapped forever, doomed to listen to Sarah whine.

Sarah is vexed because she helps people out so much, you see. But even though she helps them out, when they get to a certain point, they abandon her. That certain point being when they realize that Sarah is not a human being but instead a giant, empty rubber balloon caked in spray tan and Urban Decay body glitter.

Bravo's Silicon Valley features Kim drinking

And Sarah is not the only feeling dismayed this week! Kim, who is just lucky she hasn’t been forcibly bred to make babies for a race of Wisconsin super warriors like all her other friends back home, is feeling down. She doesn’t like that her company is getting big and profitable. Of course not. That’s why she opted to stay close to her small town roots and set up a hometown bakery, nestled right in heart of town square, where she prepares fresh made muffins from scratch every morning for the local townsfolk as they make their way through the small town she still calls home is insane.

Side bar: I still have no clue what she does. None. Is she a website designer? A blogger? Programmer? Publicist? Hair model?

 

If, like the rest of rational television viewers, you were desperately trying to search for the “drama” Jamie Lannister kept referring to during the pool scene, save your energy. It would be quicker to solve the Brumer–Stark conjecture than to actually make sense of the arbitrary reasons these people supposedly don’t like each other other than some producer off camera whispered to Cersei Lannister and told her to glare and another producer whispered to Sarah and told her to pout and talk about how “she’s trying to be professional about the whole thing.”

Sara, struggling to find time between spray tans and other spray tans is paid a visit by the Lady of the Dark Manor herself,  Cersei Lannister. Don’t fall for her tricks,poor innocent Sarah is what you won’t be saying during this whole time. Sarah introduces Cersei Lannister to an overgrown albino capybara she found wandering through the hotel, which she has claimed as a pet for herself.

“Such a wonderful creature,” hisses Cersei Lannister, glaring at the beast, probably imagining it roasting on a spitfire as she pets it. Cersei Lannister brought sweet Sarah a present to mend fences. A “Let’s Be Besties and Not Pretend I Want to Bathe In Your Blood To Keep Me From Aging” present. Oh how sweet.

Sarah’s gift is a thorny black crown, of some sort that will instantly make you wonder “who in the hell would wear a stupid crown like that?”, and then instantly smack yourself on the forehead and say “oh of course, Sarah would totally wear the shit out of a crown like that.” It is the perfect gift for her. Cersei Lannister eyes Sarah with wicked gleefullness, knowing that once Sarah places it on her head will slowly drain her life force and Twitter followers, leaving her an empty spray-tanned shell and paving the way for her take her rightful place as Queen of the Vloggers.

Back in their Fortress by the Bay, the Lannisters once again must resort to begging for money to promote the next step in their plans.

By the way, this cannot be understated: THE LANNISTERS WANT MONEY TO FUND AN APP THAT WILL TELL YOU WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO DIE.

Having been sent away by the King of 500 Startups, the Lannisters now turn to the Gauls. The Lannister approach a French investor, who is as equally perplexed by the Lannisters baffling Minesweeper-meets-Weight Watchers-Madam Zelda digital app concoction.

“But oww are zey really earned?” asks the Gaul King, squinting at their presentation. “I cannot understand zis.” Clearly he is not alone. As if straight out of a Honoré de Balzac novel, he is the lone character who supplies sublime criticism on the the animosity between the aristocracy of the Silicon Valley and the newly developed class of disposable bourgeoisie entrepreneurs, comprised almost entirely of app developers and blond marketing specialists.

The Gaul King is perplexed by the Lannisters terrible PowerPoint skills. Plus, they didn’t even get “ignite.com” for their start-up. They did get gognite.it and it’s equally useful counterpart “ostrichfart.net”, which oddly enough, is exactly what shows up in search engines when you type “Ben Way Ignite Life Expectancy app.”

The end of the show finds Sarah going on an alleged date with Jay, who would probably just rather keep pretending he’s straight and playing Dungeons and Dragons with David, who still can’t seem to get out of Queen Sarah’s glittery shadow.

Sarah shows up for her date with Jay dressed like a mannequin in the junior’s section of a Jordan Marsh during prom season. Sarah proceeds to explain to Jay all of the terribly girlie things women are just forced to do to transform themselves from wretched Skeksis witches into creatures worthy of being in a man’s presence.

“Spray tan, moisturizer, body glitter, mascara, total frontal lobotomy…” Yes, you men just don’t understand what it takes to make women pretty.

Alas, the bliss of the first date in Jay’s apartment (which has clearly been painstakingly redecorated by Bravo to look more like the love nest of an aging 80’s synth-pop record producer and less like a shitty studio apartment in San Jose) is not to last. Sarah gets caught sending out Tweets on their date and oh-no poor Jay is just shattered.

Bravo couldn’t show the real ones Sarah sent that evening, but fortunately I can:
“OMG YOU GUYS CAN SEE MY HAIR IF I BEND OVER AND TURN AROUND.”

“@oxforddictionary Trying 2 Google hot cars; do u guys kno how 2 spell BMW?”

“@mittromney WHY do you h8 Big Bird? You shud h8 Oscar the Grouch, HE GIVES ME NIGHTMARES”
Seirously, though, who Tweets on a date? These are the worst people in the world. Who How is this part of dating and falling in love in any way?? What great romance in the history of time ever included a break to inform thousands of strangers that “OMG he’s wearing a hat! #toocute”

Standing on a windswept hill, two lovers approach, longing in their eyes, the moment filled with destiny:

Heathcliff: Oh my dearest Cathy.
Cathy: Oh Heathcliff
H: I verily swear unto thee, on this day–
Elizabeth: Wait, one sec. ::fetches dove, attaches scroll to leg with message proclaiming “OMG SO HOT HTHCLIF TOTALLY ABOUT 2 ASK ME 2 MOVE IN HAHAHA #getthatringgirl”::

So, in summation, In case this show isn’t enough to make you realize everyone on it is basically terrible, please take a moment and read Sarah’s blog article “Why I Am An It Girl,” which offers a profoundly moving dissertation on the existential nature of human existence, explains how “we are moving away from print and closer to using electronic data transfers for information exchange.” OMG NO WAY YOU JUST TOTALLY SOLVED THE FUTURE.