This week on “Start Ups: Silicon Valley,” episode three takes us deep into unchartered territories, where we learn that yes, the dark souls trapped in the Silicon Valley do indeed have hearts, thank you very much. It’s all about love and loneliness and of course, the unspoken atrocities of “date-cheating”


First up, Kim and Dwight go out to a dinner to drink wine and talk about how they’re really not interested in dating or dating each other obviously because they are just good friends and they don’t even think about dating at all because CAREER and they haven’t even given any of that a thought HA HA HA but if they were interested in dating this is exactly, specifically, down to the microscopic detail it would have to be like. Just in case you were wondering.

Over at Castle Eye Candy, Jamie and Cersei Lannisters’ (Ben and Hermione Way) terrifying mortality orb, Ignite, is nearing completion, and this week the pair concentrate on ways to create the perfect containment device to hold its powers. But none of that is important, because Cersei Lannister is caught up in wooing someone other than her brother this week.

Of all the estimate 480,841 men currently living in San Jose, of course the only one Cersei Lannister can find to go on a date is Jay, the same poor soul who Sarah went out with last week. OH THE SHADE OF IT ALL.

Funny fact, Jay actually caught Cersei Lannister’s eye when she happened to stumble on the 5,000 word blog post and 4-hour-video Sarah made to express her feelings about the 45-minute, one-time date she had with Jay.

 

Finally it’s time to check in with David, always the bridesmaid, never the bride of this reality show. David laments to the cameras and unloads his problems for the next few unbearable minutes. David is so poor blah blah blah because start up blah blah blah he used to be fat blah blah blah. To solve all of these burdensome issues of money, career, love and more, David decides to meet all of his friends for a night of line dancing.

Which I bet you did not see coming at all.

During this episode, we we treated to “Country Sarah,” which involved pig tails, cut off shorts and a t-shirt tied in front. She looks like a cast member on “The Real Housewives of Deliverance.” She is dressed like the teenage bride of “Larry the Cable Guy” to enjoy a night of “country line dancing” with David and Jay. Sarah and Jay’s idea of “country line dancing” is flailing their arms and legs back and forth in what appears to be a hoedown version of the chicken dance. It looks like it was staged in the gift shop at the Country Bears Jamboree ride in Disney World

Of course, the purpose this entire outing is to set up for the shocking moment when Sarah discovers she’s been “date-cheated.”

Now, you may be thinking this pertains to the very common phenomenon of purchasing a bag of dates only to find that the store shorted you a few juicy treats—hence being “date-cheated.” This literally happens to me ALL. THE. TIME. But, not this is actually about Sarah’s completely insane idea that if you ask someone out on a date, and they spend the entire time on the date with their head buried in a smartphone, feverishly Twittering, Facebooking, blogging, MySpacing, Friendstering and posting comments to the popular dating website “I’m-On-A-Date-With-A-Real-Human-Being-Please-Help-Me-Find-Ways-To-Ignore-Him”, then you are obviously in a very serious, deeply committed relationship.

Sarah posted a video about what he was wearing. They are basically married now, duh.

Jay, and rightly so, wonders what unholy demon he angered so to force him to endure both country line dancing and a cold drink in his face, courtesy of Sarah. He doesn’t get it because of course no one gets it.

“She life-casted me!” he exclaims to David, who clearly wishes someone would throw a drink in his face and wake him up from this whole shitty dream. “She life-casted me,” should be be the “friend-zoned” in terms of terrible expressions that douchey people make up to talk about the vapid love lives.

Tune in next week when I will set all of my electronic devices on fire as an offering to the digital overlords to implore them to stop the madness of this show.