Pictured: Sarah Austin, Kim Taylor, Ben Way, Dwight Crow, Hermione Way, David Murray. (Photo by Bravo)

“I feel like I’m being pulled in all directions,” laments one of the main characters in the opening scene of this week’s edition of Start Ups: Silicon Valley. Which is odd, because it’s clear that the only direction we’re going in is down, deeper and deeper into the void reality television void. With most of the characters either out of work, out of financing or out of business, a more apt title for this series might be “Silicon Valley: Watch Some Ridiculously Hot People Talk About How Tired They Are at the Jobs They Don’t Have. ”

Up first are everyone’s favorite pair of evil Cupie Dolls come to life, Cersei and Jamie Lannister (Ben and Hermione Way). The Lannisters are practicing their battle skills, working with a master swordsman of some sort, honing their battle skills for the time of the Great Reapening, when the skies of Siliken Valley will burst open and their army of demon warriors will fly through the sky seeking out those who have been marked by the evil “Ignite” device.

But things are not going well for the Lannisters and their plans to control the kingdom.

“We’re going to have to pay $150,000 out of our own pockets,” says Cersei Lannister, which would be awful because how on Earth would they be able to buy more pillows emblazoned with the Union Jack?

This time, the Lannisters turn to Javelin, perhaps some sort of Greco-Roman tribe of ancient secret venture capitalists, to ask them for the gold necessary to move forth with their plans. But the lowly savage investors don’t want to let the Lannisters sack their coffers. They dare to ask the Lannisters for more specifics on how exactly this device can help “improve” people’s lives.

How dare you question me and my Death Foretelling Device says the eyes of Jamie Lannister. The siblings are about as charming as a pair of Siberian wolves, only more likely to rip your neck open and gorge themselves on your innards if you look them directly in the eyes.

Jamie Lannister proceeds to explain the inner workings of Ignite to the Keepers of the Javelin, but it’s all for naught. Because apparently only want to invest in companies that are off the ground and already have pretty much everything they need, which does not sound like they invest in “start-ups” at all. But don’t bother trying to make sense of the business of technology from these scenes.You would probably get a better understanding of how the high tech industry works if you watched “Short Circuit” backwards, dubbed in Italian.

Kim, who clearly dug into to the rejected “Liz And Dick” wardrobe options this week, decides to quit a job that I still cannot figure out actually is. And she’s understandably tense because you never know what can happen when you announce you’re leaving a company called “Ambush.”

Much of the buildup in Kim’s storyline this week centers around telling her boss she’s “moving on” to find “new challenges.” But I have a feeling that, probably just like me, the management at this company has absolutely no clue what the hell she did at their company in the first place. I have obtained exclusive, unedited transcripts of the meeting she had in which she tendered her resignation:

BOSS: Oh—hello?
KIM: Hey. I need a minute of your time. Please try to not impregnate me while I’m here.
BOSS: Umm. OK.
KIM: I just came to tell you that I’ve reached a decision.
BOSS: Uhhh….who are you?
KIM: The things is. I feel like I have devoted myself to this company. I mean I have just sacrificed EVERYTHING.
BOSS: Wait–do you work here?
KIM: And now I realize, I need more. I feel like I’m selling myself short. I really feel like it’s either now or never, that I have to make this stand for myself. And MY DREAMS.
BOSS: Do you work in the coffee shop downstairs?
KIM: [TEARS UP] I know this is a huge risk, but I think after everything we’ve been through together, I’m hoping you understand this isn’t personal. It’s a tough decision for me.
BOSS: I think there was that time I ordered a soy Chai latte. But you gave me cappuccino instead. And we laughed a little and I was like “hey if I wasn’t lactose intolerant I totally would have drank this’ because I didn’t want to make you feel bad.
KIM: I realize I need to put my needs first.
BOSS: I think one time I asked you for a scone. But you said you were out.
KIM: So things are really changing.
BOSS: Oh are there more scones now?
KIM: I don’t think of this as goodbye. Because I know this place will always be significant for me.
BOSS: Yeah, they were good scones.
KIM: Thank you for your understanding.
BOSS: No problem.

 

 

From there, it’s onto Castle du Creepy, Cersei Lannister is lounging on the floor by a fire. There is much unrest in their kingdom, as the Lannisters grow tired with their predicament. They are growing agitated with each other because Jamie Lannister has to all the actual work, you see, but Cersei Lannister protests that she, too is just EXHAUSTED, probably from staying up all night standing in a circle of fire, summoning the powers of Azazel during the Esbat.

Kim has had a long exhausting day of quitting a job and not actually working, so clearly it’s time to indulge in some obligatory Funemployment drinking. From the looks of her wine budget, she’s likely to drink herself out of house and home in a week, if she doesn’t get another job soon.

Dressed in some sort neon sheer flapper dress, Kim drags out a bunch of other women to sit around and talk about how exhausting their careers are and how they don’t need men because men make you have babies which lasts all of about four minutes until Kim leaps up and decides SHE MUST INVITE DWIGHT, a man. Dwight is always the life of every party, Kim insists. Because those parties are total shit.

So for the next 10 minutes, Kim and Dwight awkwardly dry hump each other on a dance floor that looks like a rejected set from the movie “Blow.” They have about as much sexual magnetism as Cabbage Patch Dolls. If Mitt Romney had promised to prevent the airing of this show, he would have swept the election in a landslide.

Back at another shitty bar, the Lannisters have a heated exchange with each other. Is it because Jamie Lannisters thinks he’s carrying the bulk of the burden? Does Cersei Lannister feel unappreciated for her contributions? Is she jealous of his blossoming relationship with young Sarah? Or are they bickering because they cannot decide if they should steal everyone’s souls now and lock them in a fortress under the sea or lock everyone’s soul in a fortress on a mountain. Family squabbles.

Is it even worth mentioning that David went to a networking event this week? He seems only relevant when he’s around to watch someone get a drink thrown in their face.

Next week, the Lannisters scream at each other even more, Kim tries to dry hump more platonic friends and Sarah finally returns to make out with Jamie Lannister. I can’t imagine what kind of drink she’s going to through in his face when he “date cheats” on her with his sister.