“It Takes A Village”

Well, it appears that the high-profile Chatswin divorce of Noah (Alan Tudyk) and Jill Werner (Gillian Vigman) has in fact taken a turn for the worse. Jill’s escaped the throws of Zitizone only to go AWOL again (probably filming another commercial; I swear I literally saw two new ones with her just this evening!) while Noah’s retreated to a W Hotel– ish, sleek bachelor paradise where he and Opus have been having their every need attended to by a round the clock staff. Bath butlers, tuck-in service, even $50 bowls of oatmeal, it’s all good because Daddy Werner’s got the Platinum Card and it comes equipped with some serious travel points.

Unfortunately, that purchasing power can’t stop him from eviction at the hands of the Hotel Manager for taking particular liberties with the kindness and ‘eagerness to please’ demonstrated by the maid staff. Yes folks, Carmen’s left a pressing taste for domestic help in his mouth, but it’s his heart and loins that quiver for Rosa, and Elsa, and Esmerelda, and every other female cleaning employee on the 6th floor. Naturally, when all hell breaks loose in the service quarters it’s the horny, love-deluded Dentist to blame and he’s out.

Alas, sadly for George Altman (Jeremy Sisto), the hotel’s loss has now become his as well. That’s because Noah’s about as mature as Opus and probably just as self-sufficient. Spoiled and incapable of even lifting a finger to assist his host, he demands that George provide the same service that his harem of cleaning ladies did back at the hotel. Sure George feels bad for Noah, having been through a divorce himself, but after the situation becomes unbearable, not to mention a pep talk with Dallas (Cheryl Hines) about tough love fortifies him, he too must kick Billy Madison and his beyond adorable son out to the curb. Noah, didn’t anyone tell you that you’re only allowed to be that innately entitled if you were born after 1990! Now go take care of your son!

Now Dalia (Carly Chaikin), on the other hand, that’s a different story, After a little harmless motherly closet snooping, Dallas is devastated to discover that she has in fact raised a hoarder. Silly me, I always thought that rich packrats were called “collectors” but after one glimpse at the pigsty under her bed as well as the treasure chest of piled junk next to it, its clear that Dalia Oprah Royce is only a few trips to the mall away from cat skeletons and stacked piss jars. Actually, it might not be that bad, but the situation is certainly dire enough to force a Mildred Pierce moment within Dallas, as she finally begins to understand that perhaps lavishing her daughter with everything from toddler tanning beds to baby leopards might be responsible for this.

No matter though, because eternally optimistic Dallas doesn’t need the help of an A&E support team, she’s got this in the bag, Employing a little inspiration in the form of a framed photograph of an impoverished 14-year-old Albanian Snape look alike (seriously, she’s too poor for make-up), she’s able to finally get through to her clearly out-of-touch daughter. Despite a few hairy moments in which Dalia goes all Exorcist over the disposal of her mini Lambo and play mansion, it’s not long before they’re sorting through it all, engaging in some serious mother-daughter de-cluttering that would make even Oprah proud. Plus, instead of cat carcasses, Dalia’s cute kangaroo, Penuche was hiding under all those clothes, shoes and handbags!

Meanwhile, not much on the Tessa front. Jane Levy’s too busy amping up for the Evil Dead remake, however she did find the time to offer advice to a desperate Fred Shay (Chris Parnell). Apparently he’s quite happy with his new title as Jr. Secretary, even perfecting his signature catchphrase, anybody need anything?, but go-getter Sheila (Ana Gasteyer) thinks her husband needs to go after the sales position that has recently come up. The only problem is, like 99% of every other job today (do I sound bitter enough?) for all his talk of experience and people skills, Manager Todd really just wants a social media obsessed hipster under 30.

It’s funny, Tessa was called out last week for being a dinosaur herself, but Fred still thinks she’s the perfect person to help him project a much more youthful image so that he can get the job. Hey, at least she knows who Katie Holmes is! I’m not sure how much of her input Fred takes, but his version of 20-something cool actually resembles a Real World cast member circa 1994, or one of Fred Armisen’s creations on Portlandia. Oddly enough though, even after offering his own version of the Cat Daddy that’s not exactly Kate Upton sexy, the new image still miraculously peaks Todd’s interest. That is until Shay’s hip wheelie shoes cause him to trip down a flight of stairs onto Todd, losing him even his Jr. Secretary job.

Like many a desperate housewife before him though, he will grin and bear his new position and shattered dreams with nothing more than a smile and an arm extended out with a large helping of quinoa to serve to his loving family. And on the bright side, as he tells Tessa, “Sheila grew like a wild carrot from the fertile dung of my failure”. Yes, not only does the type A leader of the MOM Militia subscribe wholeheartedly to the message of Hillary Rodham Clinton’s 1996 bestseller, It Takes a Village, but she has also chosen to finally follow in the former Secretary of State’s footsteps and join the workforce. I’m happy for you Sheila, but poor Fred, perhaps scrapbooking will give you some purpose.