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‘I don’t see nothing wrong, with a little bump and grind’

Well folks, neither does Dalia Royce, even when it comes to said activity between her mother and “Daddy Altman.” To prove it, she ensures that the two lovebirds get to spend a hot and heavy weekend packed with all sorts of erotic activities including lighthouse walks (don’t judge, even Lisa understands how their phallic nature can be quite erotic), by booking them at a 5-star B&B for George’s birthday.

Yes, she’s still pursuing her holy vocation and interested in spreading goodness, but the fact that a weekend with the rents away means a bumping rager with DJ Lance Trance from France is also a nice incentive. Of course boring, Wheel Of Fortune-loving, waffle-for-dinner-eating Octogenarian Tessa wants nothing to do with this juvenile craziness.

Luckily, Lisa’s on hand to remind her of the perks of youth, one of which is paying 50 bucks to attend overhyped clubs/parties and hear drugged out DJ’s blast mind-numbingly detached electro beats while everyone else stands around, or in this case walks into walls. Hey, at least the money’s going to a good cause, Dalia wants a tramp stamp likeness of the pubescent mensch she’s still dating.

Tessa might be stiff and prematurely old, but at least she’s a good gift giver. In fact, her gift of a framed copy of one of George’s old architectural blueprints from his college days is so thoughtful that it completely blows Dallas’s gift out of the water. You know George is touched when he clams up for quite some time and it’s clearly not because of a noodle in his teeth.

Naturally, I don’t understand how anyone wouldn’t want a signed new guitar from the former Mr. Avril Lavigne himself, Blink 182… sorry, Sum 41 frontman, Derek Whibley. Well, neither can Dallas and she’s devastated when she discovers that George has thoughtlessly left the new guitar at the restaurant as a result of being completely enamored with Tessa’s present. On the bright side, we finally know why Dallas and Dalia keep going back to that Chinese food restaurant with its bitchy hostess and chewy noodles; it’s that fantastic fortune cookie cake. I want one, and I’ll tip!

Anyway, Dallas is convinced that the drawing is a sign of George’s allegiance to his former life as well as his unrequited love for his ex, Tessa’s mom. Sadly, she’s kind of right. George does value history and sentimentality over shiny expensive newness, but that’s only when it comes to gifts, and guitars. Of course, the situation could easily be cleared up if not for the bitter Werners adding in their two cents. The former power couple is still carrying on with the divorce and each has their own methods of coping.

For Jill, it means a full-fledged one-woman Fettuccine Carbonara orgy at the Zitizone. She’s bought Eat, Pray, Love on bluray and like Elizabeth Gilbert and Ms. Julia Roberts before her, she’s getting “back to me” by indulging in the spiritual three part process that has enthralled millions of privileged white women for over 5 years now.  Of course, the fact that she hasn’t gotten to step two yet, nor even left Chatswin is a minor detail. The glint in her eye and the extra set of chins on her face are enough to convince Dallas that she too needs to find her inner dharma away from the judgment of others. Bring on the never-ending breadsticks!

Meanwhile, Noah’s determined to impress both his shrink and Carmen with his inner strength and adaptability. Unfortunately, he’s not doing so well at either, Don’t count him out though, because he has a few ideas up his sleeve about how to bring the heat and woo Carmen with his manliness. Though after George shoots down plan A, involving knife-play with the maid’s family, Noah does what any normal lovesick middle aged man would do; he dresses up like the Tapatio Man, fashions himself a lime-green adorned back up mariachi band and sings the Gringo-est version of Besame Mucho anyone’s ever heard.

And all for naught, because the plot fails and he’s left to saunter dejectedly into the darkness when it’s discovered that Carmen’s found a new man. Poor Noah, not only is the woman he left his wife for dating his shrink, but he’s also not getting a refund on Monday’s obviously cancelled appointment.

Alas, while things don’t end well for Senor Werner, there is a silver lining for George and Dallas. Tessa’s dad is very much focused on his present with the vibrant and bubbly divorcee, and to prove it, he serenades Dallas with the song of her choice; a ditty originally sung by the best male vocalist of the past 20 years (yeah I said it!), R. Kelly’s Bump and Grind. All I can say is Jeremy Sisto, I don’t think an over-the-counter pain pill best associated with arthritis has ever had such a sexy spokesman.