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Single White Female

Did Suburgatory just end with one of the most dramatic cliffhangers of the series? It had to’ve, because I heard Kelly Clarkson singing in the background, and everyone knows that means a woman’s just been done wrong? Dalia, could it be????

Alright, I’m getting ahead of myself- tonight’s episode began innocently enough as the town’s men were preparing to battle for a coveted spot as one of the hunky centerfolds of The Dads of Chatswin Calendar. Actually, not just any spot, the spot, that of ‘Decemberfold’, a hunky piece of  middle-aged  man-meat meant to warm the desperate hearts of lonely Chatswin ladies during the darkest time of the year.

Noah Werner (Alan Tudyk) and Fred Shay (Chris Parnell) competed last year, serving up powerful, Tyra-worthy poses: Noah tiptoeing ruggedly through a delicate but still manly field of daffodils, and Fred, McConaugheying it up on a tropical beach, beating on his bongos. The two men were of course eternally honored to be given such distinctions, but neither was granted a good month (I think holidays generate more heat with this crowd), and Fred was even unlucky enough to be cast off to the barren wasteland of January.

Don’t worry about George Altman (Jeremy Sisto) though, he isn’t the type to engage in such a silly or playful activity; and he’s way too uncomfortable with being hunky. At least that’s how his girlfriend, Dallas Royce (Cheryl Hines) views him, openly scoffing at the idea of her man being interested in posing. Well Dallas, you are mistaken, because Georgy’s ready to bring out his inner Zoolander, and you better believe that he won’t accept being cast off to some no-name month like March. Thus, when the judging panel, consisting of jaded wonton housewives primed with the scent of musk , dangles the December spot in front of our man, he rallies to the cause. That means first busting out the Folk Implosion for a seriously makeshift pump-up session in the Altman kitchen, using the groceries, and then engaging in some hard-core calorie counting.

Naturally Dallas isn’t too keen on dating a man who now makes dining about as enjoyable as an appendectomy, what with his constant obsessing over sugar and fat contents. Oh Dallas, welcome to the world of gay dinner-dates in LA. I tease, but things really do get rough for Ms. Royce when George’s quest for bodily perfection takes him completely off the deep end, twitching and stuttering maniacally like Bradley Coopers’ character in Silver Linings Playbook (complete with the trash bag running suit). Silly George, everyone knows that pacing burns so many more calories than nervous twitching anyway.

Luckily though, all his blood, sweat, and lack of carbs proves 100% worth it as Altman is given the coveted December Spot. I personally liked his Sausage King of Chatswin homage, but I’ll settle for Santa’s saucy sexy little helper. Same goes for you Noah, those spray tan abs would make Mariah’s air-brusher jealous, and Fred, Kate Winslet has nothing on you, stud! But alas, is the victory and sudden celebrity worth it for Tessa’s (Jane Levy) self-respecting salt-of-the-earth dad? After all, he did have to give the photographer butt to butt with his buddies in one pic (not quite as disturbing as when Jennifer Connelly had to do it in Requiem for a Dream, but pretty darn close), and he’s practically driven away a fed up Dallas.

When George discovers that the proceeds for the calendar are not being used to help cure children’s cancers, or women’s heart disease, but rather to clear the sullied name of unstrained and unpasteurized apple juice, he’s had enough. Can I just say though, Mothers Against the Defamation of Undiluted Apple Juice, you are doing the Lord’s work! I hate that sterile Motts shit; give me manly pulp! Anyway, George sees the error of his ways, makes up with Dallas, and still gets to be sexiest of the Chatswin dads; all and all, not a bad day for him.

Now, let’s get to the juicy stuff! Ok, Jenna (Courtney Merritt), Noah and Jill Werner’s (Gillian Vigman) daughter is back from Brown and seeing her dad’s new bachelor pad/apartment for the first time. Oh, yeah, she’s also finding out that her parents have separated as well, but something tells me this girl will be ok. That’s because the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree and frigid waspy Jill’s daughter doesn’t believe in love herself. In fact, Jenna thinks all relationships are merely business agreements and advises her new BFF, Tessa that she’d be wise to do the same.

Apparently Jenna not only dispenses it, but takes her own advice as well, because bombshell of the year!!!!, her and Dalia (Carly Chaikin) used to fool around on-and-off, a few years ago. In public, Dalia calls Jenna a lesbian and Werner’s happy to hurl sluts and whores back at her, but apparently what started as a hate-hookup, actually blossomed into a pretty serious, regular thing. Well, at least for Dalia it did.

That was until Jenna went to Brown and started acting all high and mighty, like she was too good for our beloved Deadpan Barbie. Within months, the blonde was cast aside, forced to seek comfort in Judaism and nebbish beards (that word can apply to faux boyfriends as well, right?). But after suffering in silence for so long, Tessa’s close friendship with Dalia’s former ladylove sends her into a Single White Female-style freefall. Subsequently, Ms. Royce attaches herself to Tessa’s hip, tweeting constantly of their time together and of how wonderful it is, in the hopes of awakening a little jealousy in Jenna. Only problem is Tessa, ignorant of the hot and heavy past between these two, has no clue why Dalia is suddenly interested in her and or being so nice.

Personally, I prefer Lisa Shay’s (Allie Grant) plan, in which the lovable oddball creates a fake online identity called Lars Listle, who befriends an unsuspecting, lonely Dalia, and cunningly pries her secrets from her. No surprise, sensible Tessa shoots this idea down right way, and instead takes the adult approach of simply asking her new stalker what’s up?. Long story short to move this along, Dalia leads Tessa to believe that her and Jenna were good friends until Werner ditched her and hurt her feelings deeply. Tessa, feeling sorry for her potential step-sis, then confronts Jenna, who openly shares the deets of their affair, but warns Ms. Altman about how vindictive Dalia Royce can truly be. Simultaneously, Dalia bumps into the two girls as they’re having lunch and discussing said situation, and in her usual borderline creepy, Stepford tone, she assures Tessa that all is well. Obviously though, things are not! Dalia’s pissed and something’s gonna go down!

Then, it cuts to Dalia’s dark bedroom, where Lisa has managed to sneak in and find a curiously open drawer filled of pics of Dalia and none other than Daddy Altman!!!!, lovingly doodled over with hearts and captions. Before she can take anything, or make sense of the situation, the queen bee returns to her sanctuary, offering up her best Jennifer Jason Leigh, and warning Lisa to back away before the episode abruptly ends.

So, either Dalia is truly as vindictive as Jenna foreshadowed, and is planning to ultimately destroy Tessa (not to mention her own mother) by hooking up with George, or more likely, she has deluded herself into thinking she can drive a wedge between Tessa and her old man by spending much more time with him than his own biological daughter. The Polly Anna in me wants to believe though that she’s just happy to have a good man in her life (as a purely platonic father figure).  I can’t decide though! What do you think? Is this situation a potential creepfest?

PS. Missed you Ana Gasteyer, but love the Weight Watchers commercial!