“Follow your dreams, and don’t eat carbs.”

Well Suburgatory fans, we can rest easy, Dalia’s (Carly Chaikin) not trying to screw Daddy Altman (Jeremy Sisto) Poison Ivy style. Of course, her intentions aren’t exactly benign, so don’t let that Wednesday Adams smile fool you. Miss Royce is still fuming that Tessa (Jane Levy) butted into her private life last week, exposing her down low affair with one Jenna Werner (Courtney Merritt), and she’s determined to get revenge. Don’t believe her? Just ask the young Altman, who receives quite the cryptically threatening warning from the jilted Queen Bee.

Luckily, Tessa doesn’t have the time to stress over it though, because she’s busy helping her Star Football-er boyfriend field offers from colleges around the country. Personally, I had already spent the requisite few minutes grieving the demise of this mismatch a few weeks ago, but apparently I was a bit trigger-happy because Ryan (Parker Young) and Tessa are in fact going strong; that is, until he has to pick what school to attend, or more importantly, how far away from Chatswin to go.

As a Jersey Boy, I was pulling for Rutgers, and not just because of its gorgeous Turnpike adjacent campus. The Jersey State School is close to Chatswin and thus day-tripable for the devoted Ms. Altman, not to mention the possibly obsessed Shay Parents. On the other hand, Mid Florida Tech has stripper/cheerleaders who make it rain like it’s a Flo Rida video, not to mention wild alligators on campus just waiting to be adopted. How could Ryan possibly argue with that?

Well, according to his sister, Lisa (Allie Grant), and Carmen Electra, he could take the full ride he’s been offered to the North Las Vegas Institute for Casino Studies (Go, Gamblers!). The “college” just so happens to have a fine sports betting program, and I’m sure, plenty of places to bury dead hookers. Perhaps Lisa’s judgment is clouded by the flatscreen tv, snakeskin boots, and Pearl-finish Escalade that the not exactly Division 1 (or accredited for that matter) “university” sent her to enlist her help in wooing Ryan.

Though despite the perks, Ryan’s potential decision to go anywhere besides Rutgers might just be too much for a devastated Fred (Chris Parnell) and Sheila (Ana Gasteyer). Papa Shay can barely stop crying long enough to help his son choose where to go, while Mama Shay’s thrown herself into her new Realtor Job, specifically helping George convert his home from that of a  “pansexual loner” to a place even the most wholesome of scrapbooking moms would be happy to rest her head. Oh yeah, Altman potentially wants to sell his house, but more on that in a bit.

In the meantime, readying the place is the perfect way for Sheila to channel her grief into OCD energy and you better believe that she’s got all hands on deck for the staging. This includes not only visualizing George’s unfinished and cluttered attic as a veritable Eden of crafting, awash in felt, pipe cleaners, and cutesy cat stickers, but also casting an appropriately homespun Dakota Fanning look alike to help the potential buyer see her vision. Only problem is George has to clean out that damn attic before any of this can happen, not to mention get rid of all of his ex-wife’s stuff that he’s been sentimentally holding on to for so long.

That’s because smitten George has finally decided to take the plunge with Dallas Royce (Cheryl Hines) and merge the two households. He’s ready to save on cable bills and to not waste gas driving the few blocks over to the Royce’s anymore; yeah it’s romantic and all that crap, but at the end of the day for George this decision just makes the most logical sense. Naturally, romance-inclined Dallas doesn’t expect such a monumental invitation to be tossed off so casually, but ever the optimist, she goes with the flow. That is, until wine tasting with the girls, and a particularly hot and heavy story from Carmen (Bunnie Rivera) about how Noah’s former shrink makes her climax.


Good thing the former Mrs. Royce only loses it in front of the ladies, because once again, Daddy Altman is preoccupied with baggage from his first marriage. I know what you’re thinking, or at least what I was thinking- c’mon, it’s been over a decade, and Malin Ackerman is charming, but not enough to make up for being a flighty deadbeat (in my decidedly un-ABC/Disney mind, she’s probably addicted to club drugs and prescription pain pills as well), but for George this is truly the one that got away.

Sadly, instead of just forgetting about “that poor man’s Lisa Loeb and her vag ballads” like Noah (Alan Tudyk) advises him, Tessa’s dad has to meet up with his former mother-in-law to give back some of Alex’s stuff and share yet another wistfully nostalgic moment with her blatant enabler. It’s all for naught though, because once again, the episode ends in a cute resolve for George and Dallas as they put their misunderstanding aside in favor of all powerful love, At least this time though, the stakes were heightened and it looks like their relationship is actually moving forward.

Sucks for Tessa, because her new roommate/ sis is gunning for her, and she’s out for blood. At first though, our auburn-haired heroine doesn’t realize the extent of the situation, because she’s too busy making Ryan’s major life decisions for him. Clearly shocked that he doesn’t seem to have any inclination as to what college would suit him best, Tessa must step in before the big Chatswin High press conference. Yes folks, it’s not only his parents and girlfriend who are anxiously anticipating Ryan “The Body” Shay’s next move, but also his salivating teachers and jealous peers who want to see the first round draft pick go big.

In the end, Ryan allows fate to make the choice for him, and Mid Florida Tech it is. What he isn’t aware of however, is that Tessa disagrees wholeheartedly with his haphazard decision making, not to mention Shay’s cop-out suggestion to “just throw the names in a hat.” When directed to prepare said Sorting Hat, she simply can’t allow her man to leave such an important decision to chance and writes the name of the Florida school on every little scrap.

No, she doesn’t want to be separated from her guy, she just believes that deep down this is where Ryan wants to go and where he will fit in best. Oddly enough, despite only sharing this scheming secret with Dallas, Dalia Royce discovers Tessa’s plot and reveals all to Ryan. Obviously, he is distraught that his girlfriend would ever want to send him away on purpose and the two end up breaking up. The episode ends just as it dawns on Tessa that Dalia was involved in this and she vows revenge with the fury and anger of a Mob Wife scorned.

I say Tessa, let him go. The sooner he’s united with all that is Florida, the better! You need to start focusing on school once again so you can get into Columbia, anyway. Plus you’re about to have a crazy new live-in “step-sister” to kick the shit out of.

We’ll see how it all ends up on next week’s hour-long season finale!

P.S. Anyone else notice that Sheila’s “Realtor Ensemble” bears a striking resemblance to Scooby Doo’s Daphne?-even more so than Tessa’s Halloween costume.