Keeping-Up-With-The-Kardashians-Season-8-Promo-shots-1910282Here we are again.  Another season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians and in the first two minutes of the big premiere episode a dog farts and it grosses Kim out.  Did you feel that?  It’s brain cells dying.

Kim’s pregnant and soooo overwhelmed because she’s also going through a divorce and still hasn’t bought a new house.  Luckily she is a millionaire so she can pay people to do these things for her (including have her baby).

Back in Calabasas Bruce is hanging out with his helicopter friends one w ho is aptly named Chuck.  Three bottles of wine later Bruce wants to show another friend Roman who also happens to be a Real Estate agent the master bedroom.  Kris can’t believe Bruce is doing this because she’s already “in bed” with a full face of makeup.

Meanwhile at Khloe and Lamar’s house, Scott is asking Rob if he’s ever “back doored it” with a girl.  Yep, this is what we’re talking about.  Also Rob is obese so he clearly hasn’t been gym dooring it.  The conversation doesn’t stop there and Scott insinuates that Khloe and Lamar “back door it.”  And Rob confirms that he also thinks this to be true.  Just to clarify, in case you were confused, Khloe is in fact Rob’s sister.

On the drive home Scott basically tries to talk Kourtney into having anal sex with him.

Kim has to go to court and everything is just “exhausting,” and “frustrating” and “so stressful.”

Meanwhile, back and Kourtney and Scott’s, Scott continues his mission to “back door it” with the mother of his children by making all sorts of rude gestures.  I know, I can’t believe I just typed that sentence also.  And just in case we didn’t really know what he was talking about he decides to use a carrot, doughnut and cucumber to demonstrate.  I have NO WORDS.

At the Jenner house, Kris is getting a massage in her bedroom because that’s normal.  Bruce however is being annoying because he’s decided to try to talk to and have dinner with his wife.  According to Kris, this is him “pushing her buttons.”   Bruce reminds her “the world doesn’t stop when Kris gets a massage.”  Bruce decides he’s going to look for his own place because “everybody needs some space.”

At Kim’s ultrasound and she’s still so stressed out she doesn’t even want a picture of her own baby.

Bruce goes house hunting for his own place with his two daughters Kendal and Kylie. HEALTHY.  If this show weren’t scripted I would really think Kylie was actually nervous that her parents were having problems.

Kourtney tells Scott that the only way she will try it if he lets her “do it to him first.”  Let’s just say there is dildo talk.

Kim and Kanye finally buy a house but its “not livable” so they’re basically tearing it down and making it “livable.”  This includes a wall filled with “live greenery.” Here’s a tip: just buy a lot and build a house.  Other highlights from this convo include Kim saying, “Well they don’t walk for like two years.”  She’s referring to babies.  If we didn’t already know how terrible of a parent she is going to make, we know now. Horrible parent – CONFIRMED.  The nanny is this kid’s only chance.

At the Jenner house, Khloe finds Kris packing a bag for Bruce who is about to go to his new Malibu getaway.  Khloe thinks the whole thing is messed up but Kris thinks Khloe should mind her own business.  I’m tired.

At Bruce’s beach house he’s playing ping-pong with Brandon and Brandon’s wife Leah.  They all agree how awesome it is to not be around Kris.

Kourtney puts on a dildo and chases Scott around the house while wearing it.  It freaks Scott out so now he understands how she feels about the entire back door thing.

Kris tells Kim that she’s putting a nursery in her house because Kim will be “spending a lot of time” aka living there.  Kim looks miserable and doesn’t seem the least bit excited because “she’s probably going to have this baby being married to someone else.”  Whatever.

Kris watches The Bachelor alone and she decides she misses Bruce and his “annoying comments.”  She goes to Bruce’s “getaway house” with Kylie.  The minute she walks in she starts criticizing it and then she tells Bruce to get his stuff and come home and have dinner.  She admits to missing him and wants him to treat the house as an office but sleep at their home.

Kim has another sonogram and to be supportive Kourtney, Khloe and Kris go along.  No Kanye.  They find out she’s having a girl and Kim says, “Who doesn’t want a girl? They’re the best.”  Kim finally looks excited and obviously its because she can go shopping and that’s the only thing she really enjoys in life.