I’m a little hungover so this recap is going to be spotty just like my memory of last night.  Like Des, I’m also on a quest for love and sometimes mine includes blacking out on a Sunday night at the local watering hole.  Please no judgments, I view this recap as a safe space so let’s get to it!  Chris Harrison addresses a room full of V-neck cotton poly blend tees that are anxious to see Des.  He lets them know they’ll be two group dates and a one-on-one this week.

Group Date W/ Chris, Brian, Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Brandon, Zak K., and Ben:  No one wants Ben on this date and as Michael says, “There are nine great men going on this date with Des, and you know Ben’s coming along to.” BURN.  The guys arrive and Des is dressed in flirty fitness gear because they’re playing dodgeball.  However they’re playing dodgeball at “a whole different level,” according to the script that Head of the National Dodgeball association Ed Prentice reads off a teleprompter (and just think that was his best take, wowzers).  We’re supposed to be intimidated by these pro dodgeballers who with exception of one, look like a bunch of goons currently living in their parents’ basement (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

Des wants to see how the guys interact with each other and all I want to see is how Brooks puts his hair in that half up half down pony.  In typical Bachelor fashion the guys are split into two teams with only the winning team moving on to the second portion of the date.   Time with Des = HIGH STAKES.  Red team (Mikey, Michael, Brooks, Chris & Brandon)  Blue Team (Ben, Drew, Zak, Brad, & Brian).  However the match is taking place at “a very public place.”  Uh-no!! Where could it be?! An outdoor mall.

The boys are dressed in tanks and short shorts and honestly I’m not complaining.  Blue Team opens up with a great cheer, “Des Des, you’re dynamite, Des Des we’ll see you tonight.”  The first game is intense, like “balls to the walls” intense and the blue team wins.  However the Red team evens the score second round and it comes down to the third and final game.  As soon as the whistle is blown there is a collision and Brooks is on the ground.  MAN DOWN.  He hurt his finger and “the pain is starting to sink in.”  However dodgeball waits for no one and the blue team has to pull a player.  It comes down to Chris and Zak and its intense.  Finally the Blue team wins and Des decides she’s going to take everyone to the after party except Brooks, who is passing out in an ambulance.

At the cocktail party Brad, who I’ve never seen tells Des that he has a three-year-old son. The rest of the guys are worried about “running out of time,” especially Chris, so he decides to take Des to an “awesome spot” aka the helipad on the roof.  Chris thinks he’s going to get the rose but enter Brooks, still wearing his dodgeball headband and a broken finger.  Des and Brooks say how much they miss each other (not normal) and then they make out.  But wait, Des still wants to give the rose to Chris.  They dance and make out at  “private concert,” while the other nine guys watch.

Des is journaling before her date with Kasey when a phone call comes in from Harrison. Bizarre news alert!  Someone isn’t there for the right reasons and Des heads to the mansion to call him out.  Des calls Brian outside and starts asking him a bunch of questions and the lies pour out of him.  I do have one question though; who’s Brian?  Enter Brian’s girlfriend Stephanie who clearly had a solid hour in the hair and make up chair before this tour de force TV debut.  Brian basically throws up in his mouth.

Stephanie’s side of the story is that Brian just said he “needed space to sort things out” and that he wasn’t going to see anyone else.  The water works start and Des gives Stephanie a comforting pat on the back.  What makes the whole thing even more sick, is Stephanie has a son Donovan who looks/looked up to Brian.  The moral of this story is who can we call to rescue Donovan?  Because let’s face it he’s the real victim in this situation.

Brian admits that he never told Stephanie he was coming on the show.  Clearly Brian is a selfish bonehead.  Sure he likes Stephanie and Donovan enough to keep them on the back burner, but he still wants to see what’s out there.  Its horrible and inconsiderate and not surprising behavior (am I right ladies) but also Brian, why not just go to a bar? National TV show, not your best idea.  And just like that Brian has nothing – no Des, Stephanie, or Donovan.  Brian grabs his garment bag and goes and Des warns the rest of the guys that if they have anything to tell it’s now or never (or until it’s in the script).  Silence. Now its time for Kasey to go on his date! Fun.

One-on-one w/ Kasey:  They’re going to dance on the side of a building on Sunset Blvd.   I’m not sure what they do can really be classified as dancing but what I find even more strange is that they’re not wearing helmets.  Des is “emotionally exhausted” from the entire day but she knows it’s not Kasey’s fault.

Dinner will be better.  NOPE.  A gust of wind howls through and knocks over a row of potted plants – oh the horror!  The wind is stopping them from having a good conversation (yeah keep telling yourselves that) so they decide to jump in the pool.  Seriously this date sucks and I’m just watching it.  Kasey decides to plant one on Des in the pool while they both have towels wrapped around their heads.  He gets a rose for “being a good sport.”  I give Kasey one more week, tops.

Group Date w/ Dan, James, Juan Pablo, Bryden, & Zak W.:  A stage coach picks up the guys and brings them to a ranch where Des is waiting on a balcony dressed in a western wear.   Then she tosses some dude off the balcony.  Surprise! They’re going to be cowboys for the day and will be working with the stunt team from the new Lone Ranger movie.  I don’t care what they’re doing but can we make the guys dress in Western wear for the remainder of the season? I mean seriously where have all the cowboys gone?

The guys saddle up for the final challenge where they’ll have to “save the lady.” The winner gets special time with Des. They’re all surprisingly charming but two words JUAN PABLO.  Of course Des picks him and if I were her I’d be asking Harrison for an advance on that Fantasy suite key..TMI?  Whateves we’re all friends here.

Campfire cocktail hour and Des takes Bryden aside first where there is more awkward move making or lack thereof.  Zak W. tells Des she’s “such a team player” and admits to “attempting” to kiss her earlier.   James and Des talk about how “comfortable” they are becoming around each other, which begs the question if you have to talk about it, are you really?  Listen someone has to ask the tough questions.  James is concerned about his father and he shares that concern with Des.  To reassure him Des gives James the group date rose.  Zak W. is devastated but also wearing a poncho?

Cocktail party canceled because Des is throwing a “chill, relaxed” pool party instead.  Ben decides to steal Des away before she even enters the house and they go on “mini one-on-one” car ride.  Des is all about Ben and I don’t understand the appeal because his face looks like a plastic mask.  However if Juan Pablo were pulling these little stunts I could maybe understand it.  What I’m saying is I’m in love with Juan Pablo.

The guys see Ben and Des pull up in the car and they’re not happy.  Commence the pizza eating, canon balls, and side conversations.  Ben tells the other guys he hasn’t talked to Des yet but they know he’s lying and they don’t like it, especially Mikey T. who isn’t afraid “to get physical.”  Ben doesn’t care because, “it’s called the Bachelorette for a reason, its not called let’s make friends.”  Well congratulations Ben, for saying the most cliché line in reality TV history in the least concise way.

Brandon tells Des how much the Brian thing affected him because a single mother raised him.  He goes on to say he is “falling in love” with Des even though “they barely talk.” RING THE ALARM: STAGE FIVE CLINGER.  He awkwardly plants a kiss on Des and seals the “hey I’m crazy” deal saying, “She just consumes my mind, there’s not much else to think about but how perfect and meant to be we really are.”  Oh dear sweet Brandon you are soooo going home.

In addition to Kasey, Chris, and James, Bryden, Juan Pablo, Zak W., Brooks, Drew, Zak K., Brad, Michael G., Mikey T., and Ben all get roses.

Brandon is devastated but Des explains that the chemistry just wasn’t there.  Brandon makes me severely uncomfortable when he says, “Way to go Brandon. Someone left you again.”  Yuck this feels wrong.  Do something Harrison!

Next week more Ben drama.