The-Bachelorette-Des-6-3-13Harrison wrangles the men, two of which look vaguely familiar to me.  He lets them know that one of them will be going on the date with Des later that day.  Then he lets us know how “this whole thing works.”  Harrison before I embark on this two-hour sob- fest/journey with you, let’s get one thing straight none of this really “works.

One-on-one w/ Brooks:  Brooks gets ready for his date by adding more hair gel and putting on a different t-shirt (Crew neck à V-neck). Des takes Brooks wedding dress and tux shopping, a totally normal first date.  They are having fun, “goofing around” and they love how they are just “rolling with” what could be totes awkward! Then they hike to the Hollywood sign while wearing the wedding dress and tux.  I mean as a LA resident, hello first date idea! My next suitor will totally get it when I say, “You’re going to love this as much Des and Brooks from The Bachelorette did.”  Wait is that not a good plan?  Brooks is super sweet but too much candy can also make you sick.  Get my drift?  Brooks and Des have both had past relationships where they “fell in love” and they both “give it their all” in relationships.  CONNECTION.  Now let the make-outs begin and I’m pretty sure I saw some tongue.

On the way to dinner, Brooks thinks they’re going to get carjacked because he’s never seen graffiti before.  They have dinner in the middle of the road on a bridge and honestly I don’t understand why in this case rooftop wouldn’t suffice?  Seems a lot easier.  Brooks also seems sincere and he asks about Des’ family.  Then he opens up about his own family and his issues with his father.  He gets emotional and tells Des that he “learned to not take things for granted.”  I’m crying but my tears quickly turn to worry when the giant chandelier that hangs above them starts swaying in the wind.  I hope the set PA knows how to tie a knot.  Des gives him a rose (obvi) and then they go dance at their very own private concert while I buy one of the songs off of iTunes (#Bacheloretteshame).

Group Date w/ Dan, Juan Pablo, Zak K, Will, Brian, Drew, James, Mikey, Zak W, Nick Michael, Brandon, and Ben:  The guys meet Des at a mansion with a bunch of sports cars parked out front.  Des loves to be “goofy” so she wants them to all star in their own rap video with the help of Soulja Boy.  Ain’t that life?  One minute you could be the dance craze of the year, and all across the country people at bar mitzvahs, sweet sixteen’s, and proms are singing along to your song and the next minute you’re on The Bachelorette. I don’t know where you are Psy, but be very afraid (Once that second single flops, this is your future).

The song they’re “rapping” is called “For the Right Reasons” and all the guys are out to prove that they’re on the show for the right reasons.  A little on the nose, but no one ever said The Bachelor franchise was subtle and at least watching a bunch of guys learn choreography is entertaining.  The other highlight was Brandon not wearing pants (at least it was for me).

Group date night and Zak W. opens with a romantic gift for Des, which is an antique journal.  Zak W., I am physically repulsed by you however emotionally, nice move.  Brandon decides he’s going to “hold love like a butterfly.” (Hold me. I love you).  Ben is going the aggressive route and it rubs all the other guys the wrong way.  They think Ben is “not here for the right reasons.”  Uh-oh and to think we all just rapped a song about that.  Ben and Des have some one-on-one time and the guy is “smooth.”  He plants one on her and I’m skeptical.  WOMEN’S INTUITION (don’t hate).  Michael G. wants to reassure Des that he is here for the right reasons and for the sheer fact that he brings up his “nana” I believe him.

Mikey T. wants to “settle” the “unsettling” feeling he has about Ben so he decides to talk with him.  Not sure if it accomplishes anything because Ben is a shell of a human being.  Ben says he “isn’t going to talk trash” and then trash talks in the confessional.  Then he compliments Mikey T.’s shoes, which you can tell is total kryptonite for Mikey.  I mean who doesn’t fall for a shoe compliment?  Damn you Ben!

Brandon decides he needs to be a little more aggressive so he nervously interrupts Andrew and Des.  Brandon really lets his guard down and tells Des about his childhood, which was not easy. Brandon starts crying and says, “I want to come home to you and I just want to love you and be so grateful that you’re in my life.”  More tears activated for Brandon and me.

Unfortunately Ben gets the rose.  I feel sick.  Not because of the show but because I ate nine fun size Snickers bars.

One-on-one w/ Bryden:  Des and Bryden go on a California road trip and it’s an adorable/amazing date that involves snacks, a kite, drawing hearts in the sand, and picking oranges.  Their last stop is the Ojai Valley spa where they get ready for dinner.

Des throws on a cropped leather jacket that’s to die for and Brandon dons a button down and blazer.  The conversation turns serious when Brandon tells Des about a terrible car accident he was in.  He busts out some pictures of the accident and it looks really bad but he feels he is “the person he is today” because of that wreck. Bryden confides that he used the military to avoid getting close to people but that now he’s ready “for something real” and “to share something with somebody.”  Des gives Bryden a rose.  Then they go in a Jacuzzi and finally make out when Des says, “Just kiss me already.”

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony: There are a solid five men that still look like complete strangers to me.  Ben is still running his mouth about “how giddy” he is. Please stop talking.

Michael G. needs to tell Des that he has type 1 Diabetes and in the middle of this serious discussion, Ben waltzes over with his plastic smile to “play hide and seek” with Des.  When Ben returns, Mikey T. stands up for Michael G.  Michael G., Mikey T. and some random guy decide to say something to Ben and he just makes excuses.  All the guys reconvene and they start to put the pieces together that Ben keeps talking about “his businesses.”  Bachelor Nation has seen this sham before.

In addition to the roses already given to Brooks, Ben, and Bryden, Des gives roses to James, Kasey, Dan, Juan Pablo, Brad, Chris, Greg? (I couldn’t hear), Zak W., Drew, Mikey T. Zak K., Michael, and Brandon.