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The folks at Shameless got all literal on us with their title this week, so perhaps it’s best to follow suit!

Starting with the jailbird…

It’s been a rough couple of weeks for dearest Fifi G. (Emmy Rossum), proud lioness and – as per her own decision – legal guardian of her young and impressionable siblings.  First she cheated on her practically a saint if vanilla as hell boyfriend/boss Mike Pratt (Jake McDorman) with his deviant brother, Robbie (Nick Gehlfuss), only to get caught when the troublemaker decided to spill the beans at her birthday dinner. Then, as if that weren’t enough, a reckless and quite uncharacteristic decision to leave lines of coke  – a parting gift from Robbie – out on the kitchen counter, which young Liam could and did get into, led to felony charges of possession and child endangerment.

On the bright side however, thanks to a different kind of parting gift from Mikey, in the form of 10,000 dollars bail money, she’s at least out of the slammer. And she’s got sassy, sultry, and surprisingly New Yawk-sounding legal eagle, Maria Vidal (Lisa Vidal), ensuring that she never has to go back.

Only problem is, the state of Illinois aint too happy about the whole 4-year-old almost dying from cocaine poisoning thing and they’d like to see Ms. Gallagher in the clink for at least 5 years. Fortunately though, the legal system being the clogged, cholesterol choked artery that it is, the judge in Fee’s case would prefer to see both sides strike a plea bargain outside of her courtroom, but for that to happen, the jailbird has to plead guilty and agree to a few months behind bars, in exchange for the majority of her sentence being converted to probation. Sounds like a plan! — Until it becomes quite clear that Fiona’s calling no dice.

While certainly guilt ridden, and generally averse to shirking her responsibilities in any situation, the Gallagher just doesn’t think she did anything wrong in this case. Yes, her brother almost died, and yes, she was careless, but in her mind she never meant for this to happen, so therefore she’s 100% innocent.

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Thank God for Lip (Jeremy Allen White)! Though last week he came off insensitive and rather hypocritical in his condemnation of his older sister – after all, these are the Gallagher’s where talking about, a family for whom child endangerment is more common than a stocked fridge – this time, his ardor for Fiona felt warranted.

In between stepping up as man of the house (aka. providing meals care of a little love and a crucial five finger discount employed at his university cafeteria), appearing alert and ready as his Professor rambles on about thermodynamics and other hard science shit, and even making nice with the not as ghastly as she seems roommate’s gf, Amanda (Nichole Bloom)  – the ever maturing Lip set his sister straight, reminding her that to those whom great power is given, much responsibility is also expected.

Basically, this whole shitty situation aint fair, but Fee knew the line she’d have to tow when she made the decision to fight for legal guardianship of these kids, and if taking responsibility for her actions – and perhaps going back to jail for a few weeks – is what she must do to get this situation dealt with, than so be it.

And wouldn’t you know, his advice is spot on! Fee takes her lumps and receives the commuted sentence that she hoped for, although you can’t blame the girl for feeling the full force of the ample restrictions heaped upon her care of this new convicted felon status – as if her existence could be any more claustrophobic…

Either way though, Lip gets the martyr distinction tonight, and clearly a new title as chick magnet, thanks to the toddler he’s now toting around, but the former, he has to share with his other big sis, sweetly misguided Sammi (Emily Bergl). Unable to be poisoned against Frank by her siblings – the ever-vigilant single mom wants to make sure that her long lost daddy gets to die with some dignity. Sadly though, she’s decided to conduct her hospice care from the comfort of the Gallagher home, a choice that instantly evokes the ire of her new family members.

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That’s’ because they’re still dealing with the looming specter of a visit from Child Protective Services, and Frank’s (William H. Macy) inability to imbibe booze or properly process pills has him smoking enough ganga to hotbox the entire house (clearly a pot card doesn’t count for much in Illinois if you’re a parent). Thus the original Gallaghers – long ago drained of any sympathy for their father – want Frank off the pipe and preferably out on the street, placing loyal Sammi precariously in the middle.

And to think, all she wants to do is learn some of that ribald Gallagher family history, not to mention bond with Frank while he’s in a reflective memoiring mood, but when he begins to question her intentions, and worse, to feel like she’s not enabling him in his death denial, it takes desperate measures to salvage their fast and fragile bond.

In this case, desperate measures mean some smack and a needle (delivered with love of course); a gift which Frank accepts like a kid at Christmas before immediately tapping a vein, passing out, and shitting himself on the floor of the bathroom – leading to a hasty eviction. But alas, all’s well that ends well… Sheila’s (Joan Cusack) still on the reservation, and it’s about time young Chucky (Kellen Michael) learned the valuable skill of squatting. Plus the highly dysfunctional new daddy/daughter combo ends their night on a disturbingly fitting note with an incestuous sponge bath. After all, the family that rubs naughty bits together, stays together.

And according to Debbie (Emma Kenney) and her teen mom bff’s, the couple who break up but are then besieged by cutting, family drama, bulimia, and or white trash moms fist-fighting, ends up staying together too! Well, perhaps in theory, because none of these “tactics” – or even homemade spaghetti and meatballs – are enough to keep kind but statutory-rape averse Matty (James Allen McCune) from making it official with Deb. It’s really a shame too – there goes her ride to school, and more importantly, her escape from the chaos that is her daily life.

Carl (Ethan Cutkosky) knows all too well what that’s like… amidst what should be a very private family struggle, he’s got to deal with the pricks on his bus-ride to school who feel the need to taunt him about his brother’s unfortunate accident and his fam’s predilection for Police-involved antics, employing that famed middle school sensitivity with names like coke baby and retard.

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Naturally, Carl aint scared to get a little physical if it means showing these posers who’s boss, but that doesn’t change the fact that once a seed is planted in a young mind, it’s hard to kill. Now the poor kid is convinced that his little brother is touched by God and if AreYouARetard.com is right, so is he!! Only bright side in all of this, at least the special bus has an extra seat.

And speaking of special, that leads us to Kev (Scott Howey) and V (Shanola Hampton), proud parents of the parasitic twin. Apparently, just like owls, and vultures, and all those other nasty birds in a nest, multiples in utero can sometimes suck the resources from the runt, in this case making the fetus disappear.  Yeah, it’s disturbing, kind of tragic, and absolutely primal, but since we’ve been making lemonade out of lemons all night — they now have one less mouth to feed, plus two uber healthy twins in the oven, and one being delivered by Grandma. And the timing couldn’t be better, what with Kev getting robbed at gunpoint at The Alibi and forced to give up his keg’s worth of profits from the hand job salon upstairs.

Now broker than before and seriously victimized, he’s finally ready to carry a gun, and or shake down his locals for some answers. Who knows if he’ll become Pistol Pete though? But at least a gun in his hand is just what the doctor ordered to revive V’s pregnancy addled sex drive.

Good thing Mickey Milkovich (Noel Fisher) has a whole arsenal of stolen weapons to lend out. But I suppose when you basically live like the Charles Bronson of the South Side, that’s a requirement. Well, that is if Charles Bronson was a Russian pimpin closet case with an angry fist and a penchant for soulful ginger twinks. Yet would we want our Mickey any other way!

I’ll tell you this, if the kid keeps fighting for his tragically tweaking Prince like he did tonight, not to mention sticking it to douchy hipster homos, I might just forgive him for screwing over both Ian (Cameron Monaghan) and poor exhausted Svetlana (Isadora Goreshter).

I said might…