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My how they grow up fast…

Yes folks, after 4 and a half seasons, it appears that little Carl Gallagher (Ethan Cutkosky) is finally becoming a man. So what if he’s been grappling with the onset of adulthood for months now – rubbing one out to any hint of naked flesh from the opposite sex – this week, it actually became official. That’s because the teen finally met his match in fellow detention kid, Bonnie (Morgan Lily), a girl with the angelic face of a Fanning sister, but the ride or die ethos of a gangsta-in-training.

Bonnie isn’t afraid of a little danger, whether that means lacing the detention moderator’s coffee with LSD so she can gank her zolofts, or executing a little armed robbery. And as evidenced from the wet one that she plants on Carl, she’s not afraid of a lip-lock either. Now – his first real kiss behind him, and an ever-lasting memory for the wank bank installed – all he has to do is avoid getting himself killed around the girl, because everyone knows how this story ended for the first Bonnie and her love-struck partner-in-crime.

And just like Carl, Frank (William H. Macy) has found himself pitted against the reaper as of late, although for the Gallagher patriarch, the time to accept defeat is fast approaching. Barely able to even hold his head up any longer, yet refusing to acknowledge the severity of the situation and or start making peace with his ‘loved ones’, the man has little left in his life besides memories of fun times at The Alibi. Oh yeah, and he’s still got Sammi (Emily Bergl), a chick who definitely  knows how to make things happen.

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I mean, she’s already devised an ingenious way to sell off Sheila’s (Joan Cusack) shit for cash, swallowed her pride – along with a dirtbag medical resident’s load – for some much-needed clinical advice. And if that weren’t enough, the sweet albeit seriously racist single mom’s also been moonlighting as a make-a-wish provider for Frank, bringing his beloved Alibi to him in an act that clearly touches the cranky old coot profoundly. In fact, it might just be the most moving wish-granting since Batkid saved SF (even if the recipient isn’t nearly as deserving).

Though if Sheila can help it, Frank’s last days won’t be spent chugging O’Doul’s with his fellow barflies in her living room, but rather luxuriating in connubial bliss with guess who as his new bride… Turns out, Richard Running Tree is actually a hot-headed Mexican, not a spiritually attuned Native American, and even though she’s off the reservation for good, all she wants is to adopt his attention-starved nieces and nephews.

In Sheila’s sensitive but crazy mind, a husband – even if it’s Frank – will move this whole adoption process along exponentially, so all she has to do is have her old wedding dress seriously taken in (let’s jus say Sheels was a fuller figured gal at the time of her first wedding) and keep the groom alive until the vows, and it looks like the Gallagher family is about to get a whole lot bigger.

Mickey Milkovich (Noel Fisher) knows a thing or two about this… after all, the street thug and his charming wife, Svetlana (Isadora Goreshter) have just been blessed by the stork with a darling little bundle of joy named, Yevgeny, after his grandpa back in the Motherland. Sure grandpa sold mom to a pimp for a few hundred bucks, and now daddy likes taking it up the ass more than he likes mommy, but hey, it’s still the miracle of life.

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Someone should tell that to Mickey though because he currently wants nothing to do with his kid. Instead, the new papa prefers spending all of his time with his main squeeze, Ian (Cameron Monaghan), scamming closet cases out of their hard earned cash together, and eating the juicy ginger’s family out of house and home. Of course, Svetlana’s still got a few tricks up her sleeve though, and while the threat of telling Mickey’s psycho dad exactly what his son’s been up to might not be enough to bring her husband back, at least it’ll ensure that the proud deadbeat pays child support.

They do say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for a reason…  Just ask Debbie Gallagher (Emma Kenney), who,  as of late, has been dealing with the crushing news that her beloved Matty (James Allen McCune) is dating a pizza delivery skank at his work. To make matters worse, the future nurse is closer to Matty’s age and to hear him talk, a potential keeper! Mandy’s (Emma Greenwell) absolutely right, this biotch needs to be shown who’s boss. In this case that means threatening the girl with nasty phone calls and even placing a reptile in her car, but alas, she might look innocent, but this pizza girl aint about to back down from her new man without a fight.

And speaking of fighting for love… Lip (Jeremy Allen White) currently  has two girls competing for his amorous affections. One, downtown Mandy, is willing to sneak behind her intimidating big black boyfriend, Kenyatta’s (Shelden Bailey) back to be with the Gallagher, while another, uptown Amanda (Nichole Bloom), is willing to babysit, organize his schedule, take it up a hole that can’t make a baby, and cast off his roommate if it means some alone time with him. Amanda might have ulterior motives  – ie. pissing off her tiger parents – but so what, the roommate doesn’t seem to mind, and everybody can benefit from a personal assistant who loves oral, especially a horny but decidedly busy beaver like Lip.

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It’s too bad Fiona (Emmy Rossum) can’t take a few things off of her brother’s plate, but having just recently caught a serious case, she’s still struggling to put the pieces of her life back together. Unable to get a job anywhere near as stable and well-paying as her cup gig because of her felony status, things aren’t looking good for our girl – and just as she’s finally starting to feel like herself again, house arrest bracelet and all.

Fee can’t babysit because of the Liam incident, she can’t work nights because of curfew, and the people at the Cup plant aren’t too keen on switching her firing status from “inappropriate dismissal” to “downsized” so that she can collect unemployment (Pratt’s sister made this quite clear). Thus, at the moment, sadly it seems that hooking might be the only viable option. Who knows what Fee’s gonna choose to do, but one thing’s for sure, it’s time to take this out on the douchebag without whom none of this stress would be possible, shady Robbie Pratt (Nick Gehlfuss).

Hopefully this meeting doesn’t foretell a reunion of sorts though, because this guy makes Jimmy look like Prince Charming.