America's Got Talent Season 9 Judges' Graphic
So begins the saga of America’s Got Talent’s double edged sword: the results show.  All the winners you want to see spread out over an hour of filler.  Nick Cannon decided to do what he does best; draw attention away from the entirely pointless proceeding with another horrid fashion choice.  I’d like to tell you that his pale pink and black plaid suit paired with an inexplicable white turtleneck was a figment of my imagination.  Unfortunately the eternal cast of rainbows and sarcastic talking butterflies in my head couldn’t craft something so appalling.  Honestly, between making himself a plaything for any needy hopeful during auditions and distracting viewers vitriol with his insipid ensembles Nick should be considered a martyr.  Too bad even that couldn’t distract from the mind numbing tedium of the distractions NBC considers acceptable to thrust upon unsuspecting fans.  The two daunting segments on Howie being annoying were only eclipsed  one largely unnecessary recap of the previous night’s events, especially considering this episode was preceded by, you guessed it, an hour recap of Wednesday’s happenings.  But there will be plenty of time to make this complaint over and over for the rest of the season.

The guest performers on AGT’s results show general fall into three categories: promotional, bottom barrel, and how did they trick you into coming here?  Since it’s been a while since I’ve heard anything from the cherished man with a mole one, Enrique Iglesias falls into that please buy my new album category.  Performing his new single “Bailando” Sean Paul was on hand for his featuring role.  The song was everything you would expect, a Latin dance tune infused with a little island flavor for Sean Paul’s benefit and probably to widen Enrique’s fan base.  Though there was nothing truly wrong with their short set, Enrique’s voice sounded so perfectly computerized my lip synching alarm was at red alert.  Later on, Matt Lauer and a very pregnant Savannah Guthrie dropped by to announce the winner of the Talent on Today competition.  A dance group called Cornell Bhangra won a slot in the competition, set to appear in a few weeks.  They look rather talented, but when you take a short cut to the main stage, the enormity of the real competition tends to be overly intimidating.  Perhaps they’ll be able to withstand the pressure.

Right away the results created tension when Nick called Jasmin Flowers, Emily West, and Valo & Bobby on stage for the first reveal.  Emily West took her well-deserved slot in the semi-finals with childish glee, much to everyone’s joy.  ‘Twas sad to see Valo & Bobby go—America doesn’t know what it’s missing.  Next Dan Naturman, The Willis Clan, and Sean & Luke stepped up to the chopping block where Dan Naturman walked away victorious.  Comedians can always last as long as they can handle the main stage.  Immediately afterward Julia Goodwin, Miguel Dakota, and JD Anderson were asked to make the same walk.  It was absolutely no surprise that out of this group, Miguel was victorious; the screaming every time he was mentioned or on camera made it inevitable.  Still, even while congratulating him Heidi had a change of heart and called for a stronger vocal showing next performance.  It’s not unusual for contestants to advance based solely on America’s attraction or even their chosen genre.  If you recall last season two subpar country singers rose to great heights simply because they sang with a twang.  Let’s just hope Miguel makes it worth America’s passion next time.  The final three David & Leeman, Baila Conmigo, and Flight Crew Jump Rope were brought out, and David & Leeman were quickly given the fourth slot in the semis.  That left Baila Conmigo and Flight Crew Jump Rope’s fate up to the judges.  Though Mel B. voted for Flight Crew Jump Rope after calling Baila Conmigo her favorite, Howard Stern, Heidi Klum, and Howard Stern couldn’t ignore the rabid enthusiasm the crowd had for the Latin dance team, pushing Baila Conmigo into the semi-finals.

Next week Mara Justine, Hart Dance Team, Juan Carlos, Acte II, Darik Santos, Jaycob Curlee, Aerial Animation, Mat Franco, Livy, Matt, & Sammy, John & Andrew, Loop Rawlins, and Andrey Moraru vie for the next five slots in the semi-finals.  Until then folks do your part to make sure this travesty never happens again: burn all the plaid suits you can find.