America's Got Talent Season 9 Judges' Graphic
The unveiling of America’s Got Talent’s new Insta-Save feature has been shrouded in secrecy.  Thankfully Nick Cannon wasted no time announcing the proceedings.  The acts with the fifth, sixth, and seventh highest viewers votes will be announced at the start of the results show, and East Coasters can vote through a Google search of Snapple Save during the live airing.  The West Coasters are regulated to social media for their contribution.  Last night the three acts at the mercy of viewers were Aerial Animation, David & Leeman, and Mara Justine.  As for who made it through, well you’ll just have to keep reading.  It’s the least you could do after I had to watch the whole thing.  Especially since no results show is safe from Howie Mandel’s newest annoying and hardly entertaining segment.

This week he donned a wig and confused audience members trying to find their seats.  Howie, please hear me out—I loved Bobby’s World as much as everyone else in my age bracket.  But this is not funny.  At all.  Ever.  Please stop.  At least Nick had the decency to dress for the occasion.  Could those whispers of his possible return to singledom have prompted Nick to put together a more appeasing wardrobe this season?  Your guess is as good as mine.  Let’s just be thankful for his black brocade tux and move on.  However, in a zippy and unexpected twist, another time wasting segment the producers are forcing on the audience had a hidden gem buried in it.  Whilst airing the tape of last Wednesday’s Ask-The-Judges-Insipid-Questions-Through-Skype, former judge Piers Morgan popped in to issue a few British barbs.  He didn’t hesitate to insult Nick’s navy floral brocade suit—“Even by your standards that’s an offensive outfit,”—and spent the rest of his time trying to get all the judges to admit Howie is the most annoying person on the planet.  Piers: never change.

AGT is all about breaking tradition this week.  Case and point: their celebrated guest performer Ariana Grande opened the show.  If you’re entirely ignorant of the intense promotion of Ariana’s newest album, well then good for you.  If at all possible, could you share how you made this magical thing happen?  Because for the rest of us, the past fortnight has been filled with an overflow of the Sam and Cat star’s super high ponytail.  She performed “Break Free” which isn’t really my cup of tea.  (I fully endorse her collaboration with Jessie J though.  “Bang Bang” is my new fall dance song, get on board people.)

Results are important now more than ever, and the first didn’t disappoint.  Flight Crew Jump Rope, Bad Boys of Ballet, and Mike Super were brought out to learn their fates.  Though I was happy that Mike Super reigned supreme, let’s be clear: this is not permission for Desmond to return to the stage.  You’re great and all but leave your creepy spirit friend at home with the kids.  You know, after you put them in a Plexiglas box covered in Latin writing, just in case. Next Andrey Moraru and Sons of Serendip were brought out for the most nerve wracking reveal, with Sons of Serendip making it through to the finals.  Take a moment and marvel at how America could allow Andrey to fall by the wayside; I loved you even if they didn’t.  After, Emily West, Paul Ieti, Miguel Dakota, and Dan Naturman trotted out to learn that Emily West would take her talents to the finals.  Out of the three left on stage, Miguel Dakota’s smile gifted him the fourth slot in the finals.  Thanks to the Insta-Save, America pushed Mara Justine into the fifth available finals slot, leaving David & Leeman and Aerial Animation’s fate up to the judges.  Heidi Klum, Howie, and Howard Stern gave David & Leeman the slot they deserved, rendering Mel B.’s vote unnecessary.  At least they did the competition some justice.