America's Got Talent Season 9 Judges' Graphic
Two weeks into the routine it’s safe to assume that Nick Cannon is reserving his wackier duds for America’s Got Talent results show.  What other conclusion can one come to when he starts the show in a shite suite jacket covered in colorful moths and butterflies, a brown mock turtleneck, brown slack, and his every present rhinestone encrusted loafers.  Whether intentionally stoking the fires of my discontent or just showing the limits of their imagination, the producers forced Howie Mandel to start the night by taking the stage in a copy of Nick’s ensemble.  While some were able to find the humor in this, the easiest ploy for audience recognition, it just exemplified the eyesore.  Of course, the producers found other ways to waste air time.  During the utterly unnecessary recap of the previous night’s performances, the only decent moments were when Howie pointed out the terrible mood Mel B. was in Tuesday night.  Watching her mock the shirt Howie wore to take his wife to dinner was funnier than many a planned moment of glee.  Take Howie’s wig and mustache stick in front of Radio City Music Hall.  The only reason the fast forward button didn’t get used is because watching this is my job.  But for goodness sake save yourselves.

Guest performance time is basically a countdown to when my snark with explode.  Season five contestant and YouTube star Lindsey Stirling returned to AGT for a few sanctimonious been-there-before moments and a little promotional performance.  (This is the moment where the snark makes me say no matter how much Nick prattles on about her success, this is my first time hearing of Lindsey.  I swear, it makes me say that.)  It’s unfortunate she has escaped my attention; accompanied by Lizzy Hale of Halestones, her violin made the single shatter me a beautiful tune.

First to learn their fate: Hart Dance Team, Darik Santos, and Andrey Moraru.  Out of this group it was no surprise that hand balancer Andrey Moraru was victorious.  I’d spend a minute bemoaning the moss of a comedian, but with one already secured in the semis and another on the way to the quarter-finals, it might be best to just appreciate what’s here.  Next Jaycob Curlee and Juan Carlos were brought center stage.  Though I assumed they were both brought out for bad news, somehow Jaycob Curlee was able to wrangle enough sympathy from his backstory and enough support from the heart-throb honeys to force a more deserving act out of its position.  There’s no other way to explain it—he certainly didn’t get here because of his performance Tuesday night.  Next time when he’s singing to America, let’s hope some real effort is involved.  Another twosome, Aerial Animation and Loop Rawlins, were forced to the front to learn what most already assumed—Aerial Animation would be moving on to the semi-finals. Closing out America’s choices, Mat Franco took the fourth slot in the semi-finals from Livy, Matt, & Sammy’s clutches.   Mara Justine, Acte II, and John & Andrew were left on the stage, forcing Nick to send John & Andrew home for lack of votes.  This was perhaps the most soul crushing loss to date; America would rather embrace a cute kid with a sob story, then two of the most dancers I’ve ever seen simply because they are both men.  Of course that left twelve year old Mara Justine and Acte II to the judges.  Howard Stern, Heidi Klum, and Mel B. all voted Mara Justine through, even though none gave here praise as high as Acte II received last night.  Talent isn’t the only thing that rules AGT; just be young and cute and things might just work out.

Next week Adrian Romoff, Blue Journey, Mike Super, Songs of Serendip, AcroArmy, Paul Ieti, Wendu Liebman, Kernan & Finan Makepeace, Dragon House “The Agents” Christian Stoniev, Cornell Bagra, and Anna Clenndening will try their hands at winning America’s affection.  Good luck.