America's Got Talent Season 9 Judges' Graphic
My dear dear NBC, how do I break it to you?  Football is big enough—you don’t need America’s Got Talent to promote the start of the season.  However, making sense has been a requirement for an AGT broadcast or season—especially where the results show is concerned.  So there stood Nick Cannon in an oversized San Diego Chargers jersey, Mel B. in a Seattle Seahawks jersey, and Howie Mandel in a New York Giants helmet, probably to keep the show’s home city happy.  Unfortunately that was just their least infuriating pointless segment.  The snippet of Mel and Heidi Klum trying to one up each other’s wardrobe was cute for about a second.  After a bit the idea of the show perpetuating the tired women-fight-over-the-silliest-things stereotype became a little daunting.  Surprisingly enough, I didn’t hate Mel and Howie’s Mystic Mel segment.  Mel pretended to be a psychic as Howie gave her information through an earpiece thanks to their family’s loose lips.  Let us be honest with one another though—it only worked because Howie was shunted off to the side.  Mel has a certain magnetic charm.  When you combine that with her ability to convince her victims to make weird moves and let her touch them all over their bodies and it’s hard not to be amused.  Of course, results night isn’t about fun and games; three acts were on the hook for the Snapple Insta-Save.  So did Blue Journey, Christian Stoinev, or Smoothini get a reprieve from the viewers?  What, you’re too good to scroll down and keep reading?

Perhaps it will be a new tradition for a guest performer to open the live results show.  Or maybe, just maybe, as the season continues and AGT is able to blackmail cajole showcase legitimate stars into appearing, these performers are able to say: “Yeah I’ll do your show, but I’m going on first and then I’m out of there.  No, I’m not answering any questions—tell Nick not to try it.”  At least that’s was the feeling gleaned from Ariana Grande’s performance last week and Maroon 5 only exemplified the ideal this time around.  Make no mistake about it—these people were there for promotion only.  And no matter how many times Nick tried to plug their upcoming February 2015 tour, anyone with two brain cells to rub together could figure out Adam Levine’s presence was to serve as a physical reminder that The Voice will be back on the air in a few short weeks.  Have you heard of The Voice?  That show with the spinning red chairs, the revolving door of celebrity judges, and the singing?  You know, the one that finally pushed NBC out of the bottom slot in the broadcast television ratings wars?  I swear during the band’s performance of their currently popular “Maps” sounded like and endless droning of “The Voice is coming back, please watch it.”  We get it NBC.

But results night isn’t all about complaining!  The first result seemed cruelly obvious—AcroArmy and Baila Conmigo were pulled on stage for AcroArmy to learn they finally earned America’s favor.  Next Emil & Dariel, Kelli Glover, and Wendy Liebman were brought out for Emil & Dariel to take the throne yet again.  America, what does a female comedian have to do to win your allegiance?  Jonah Smith and Mat Franco stood at the edge of the stage briefly before the magical Mat Franco sliced his way into the Top 12.  Again the pairing of Quintavious Johnson and Jaycob Curlee seemed ridiculous when everyone knew Quintavious Johnson would, and did, move on to the next round.  Through the Snapple Insta-Save, America saved Blue Journey, leaving Christian Stoinev and Smoothini’s fate up to the judges.  Even though the judges spent last night bemoaning Christian’s weak performance and championing Smoothini’s triumphant return, Christian Stoinev won the last available spot in the Top 12.  Until next week friends!