The Boy Next Door is the perfect piece of sexy schlock for the month of January, a time when we need to binge on cinematic junk food and eye candy after a strict diet of serious-minded biopics and cerebral Oscar bait. It just might be the first guilty pleasure of 2015 (alongside Fox’s Empire).

This Fatal Attraction-lite story involves a perfectly toned high school teacher of classic literature named Claire (Jennifer Lopez) who, in a moment of obvious weakness, ends up sleeping with her next-door neighbor’s perfectly toned (and ripped) young nephew named Noah (Ryan Guzman of the Step Up franchise). But of course, Noah’s a little unhinged and won’t stop obsessing about the MILF he nailed during one steamy nighttime thunderstorm. So he starts doing nasty things like littering Claire’s classroom with printed screenshots of their boinkfest, cutting the breaks on the car of her estranged hubby (John Corbett), and practicing his generic death stare on her family from afar.

Just how ridiculously trashy (yet somewhat fun) is this throwaway flick? Let us count the ways:

1. Don’t worry: Noah’s not a minor (I mean, look at the guy). Screenwriter Barbara Curry quickly sheds some light with a early throwaway line when Claire’s teen son spends some bro time with him: “I’m almost 20.” You see, he had to miss some school after the death of his parents — probably because he killed them??!!?? — and now he has to make up for his lost senior year.

2. Jennifer Lopez/Claire gets caught admiring her signature booty in a scene. And she’s not the only one. Both Noah and her soon-to-be-ex-hubby are seen grabbing dat ass in two scenes, one of which is the moment that’s been teased to death in the trailers.

3. Kristin Chenoweth plays the proverbial sidekick/best gal pal to Lopez’s Claire. And we all know what happens to the proverbial sidekick/best gal pal when she inserts herself into the dangerous situation. The Boy Next Door does not give a shit where it falls on the Predictability Meter.

4. Rob Cohen directed this. For those who need a refresher, Rob Cohen is the guy behind The Fast and the Furious (the original), XXX, and the third¬†Mummy¬†flick. So what’s a guy with a knack for CGI excess and over-the-top action doing helming a psychological domestic thriller? Good question. Perhaps Universal needed to fulfill some contract terms with the guy…But he does know how to stage a couple of speeding car sequences.

5. The camera loves Guzman’s rippling triceps, abs, and ass. Perhaps this movie could be the appetizer before next month’s Fifty Shades of Grey delivers a smorgasbord of sexytime.

6. I can’t help thinking that Guzman must have watched Mark Wahlberg’s 1996 classic, Fear, to nail down his Murderous Hot Guy persona.

7. This movie so wants to be a nostalgic throwback to those pulpy thrillers from the early 90s (The Hand That Rocks The Cradle, Single White Female, The Crush), but sadly it comes off more as a shoddily thrown-together production that’s really just a paycheck for all involved. That said: C’mon Hollywood, my Jenny from the Block deserves better material.

8. Then there’s the unabashed delivery of the line, “I love your mother’s cookies.”

Therefore, I give the entire thing a…