the-vampire-diaries-bird-in-a-gilded-cageErmahgerd, you guys! It’s been so long since I recapped TVD. I mean, seriously. Last time I wrote a Vampire Diaries recap was when they announced “The Originals.” And now Klaus and his kin are all settled down in New Orleans on their show. And I miss him so much on The Vampire Diaries. But that was like, 2 seasons ago. And now I have a baby, and she doesn’t really understand when we watch TVD and I make snarky comments about all the underage alcohol consumption and Twilight references. Sooooo….I went back to recapping. And about 2 people read my recaps on a regular basis (Hi, Guys!) so I’ll wrap things up and get on with the recap.

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries: Caroline’s mom, Sheriff Forbes, died, and Caroline flipped her humanity switch rather than deal with the grief. Bonnie FINALLY came back from her 1994 purgatory, and she brought video of Mama Salvatore, who we found out is stuck in her own 1903 prison world because she’s a ripper vampire. Jo found out she was knocked up, and Alaric proposed to her. In order to save Sarah Salvatore, Stefan was forced by Caroline to flip off his own humanity switch.

“A Bird in a Gilded Cage” opens with Caroline Forbes (Candice Accola) mopping the floor in the bar where she and Stefan Salvatore (Paul Wesley) had their little run-in. Apparently, although she has no morality, she’s still a neat freak and still wants to stay in school, so she’s cleaning up all the evidence. She explains this to Enzo (Michael Malarkey), who has come in to get his phone back, and then she leaves to prepare for her audition for the school musical. Who knew Caroline was a drama major, right?

Damon Salvatore (Ian Somerhalder) has found out from Elena that Stefan flipped off his humanity, and as Stefan seeks out weapons around the Salvatore mansion, Damon unsuccessfully tries to inject him with some vervain. But Stefan’s like, LOL nope, and then he leaves.

Sarah Salvatore (Tristin Mays) wakes up in the hospital (after Liam’s clumsy attempt to remove her heart), and Dr. Jo Laughlin (Jodi Lyn O’Keefe) lies to her that she was found passed out after drinking too much. Sarah’s like, oh yeah…at that rave. Alaric Saltzman (Matthew Davis) tells Jo to keep Sarah safe in the hospital until Elena’s blood is out of her system.

Elena Gilbert (Nina Dobrev) walks in on Damon smashing all his furniture. It must be nice to be rich. Just smash all your shit up every time you get pissed. What the hell, I’ll just buy more. So Damon is mad about Stefan, obvi, and Elena says Stefan was their key to getting Caroline back, so basically they’ve lost both of them for a while. Damon tells Elena all about Mama Salvatore the ripper, and Elena thinks she’s the key to getting Stefan to flip his humanity back on.

Damon decides unleashing a ripper AKA his mom on modern society would totally be worth it in order to get Stefan back, so he goes to see Bonnie Bennett (Kat Graham) for help. And Bonnie’s like, remember that time you tricked me into talking to Kai? But finally she acquiesces to helping out in order to get Caroline back. Bonnie goes to see Kai Parker (Chris Wood), who just happens to have the 1903 ascendant in his pocket. But he only wants to help get Mama Salvatore back if Bonnie will go to 1903 with him. She asks why in the hell she would do that, and he pulls the Caroline card. Because it’s totally true, one snippy remark about Caroline’s unmade bed or something, and she’s going to go psycho ripper on Mystic Falls.

Speaking of Caroline, she’s “killing it” at her musical audition when Stefan shows up and kills the director. Stefan is mad at Caroline for ruining his life, so he’s made it his goal to break Caroline of her carefully-crafted routine that she’s concocted so she can flip her switch back on after one year of no humanity.

Does anybody watch “Reign”? It kind of looks like the CW version of “Game of Thrones.” Is that accurate? Should I watch it? Anybody? Anybody?

Okay, we’re back from commercial and Bonnie, Kai, Damon, and Elena are getting ready to go fetch Mama Salvatore. They go back to 1903 and immediately split up. Damon and Elena go to find Mama S, while Bonnie and Kai set out to find the 1903 ascendant. Damon and Elena are in the house that the Salvatore boys grew up in. Lily Salvatore (Annie Wersching) shows up, and Damon’s like, yeah…I thought you were dead. Lily explains that a nurse gave her vampire blood for her consumption. Since being imprisoned in 1903 she’s depleted all sources of blood, and now subsides on just two drops of blood a week – she says the ripper life is just a memory to her now. Damon and Elena tell Lily about Stefan, and she says she’d love to help. Lily says she’ll just go tell her “travel companions,” which turn out to be a bunch of decrepit vampires.

Lily says that thanks to her “friends,” who sacrificed their portion of blood for her, she learned to control her blood lust. Mama Salvatore goes to fetch the last of the blood to revive her friends and Damon whispers that she’s insane. Yeah, she seriously has some Norman Bates stuff going on here. Playing dolls with her dehydrated vampire pals.

Caroline is pissed at Stefan for killing the director of her play, so she disassembles his motorcycle. I have a feeling this is going to turn into a tit for tat sort of thing where they keep playing pranks on each other. And by pranks I mean, killing people. Stefan’s like, I killed a guy and you removed a bolt from my motorcycle – you suck at revenge. So Caroline punches out his gas tank. Later, Caroline is studying, and Stefan basically beats the crap out of her. They get into a knock-down, drag-out fight.

Meanwhile, Kai and Bonnie are trying to find the ascendant. Kai tells Bonnie that the guilt of what he did to her keeps him up at night. And Bonnie’s like, yeah not buying it. Over at the dead vampire tea party, Elena finds the ascendant, and wonders why Bonnie’s not there to find it. Oh, it’s because she’s straight up stabbing Kai out in the woods. Right as she’s about to deal the death blow, Kai disappears, however.

Enzo shows up at Alaric’s office asking for help with Caroline and Stefan. Enzo wants Stefan to get his humanity back just so that Stefan will actually care when Enzo gets his revenge. Oh, Enzo. Alaric and Enzo show up at the dorm just as Caroline and Stefan are fighting over saving an innocent bystander. Unfortunately, Stefan has left some kind of fire bomb on the stairwell, and Team Alarzo gets knocked out. Stefan wants to kill Enzo and Alaric, but Caroline won’t let him. Stefan goes back to the innocent bystander and opens up a bloodline to try and tempt Caroline. The temptation is too much for Caroline and she starts to feed on the bystander, and then she and Stefan start to make out, because, you know, why not?

Damon wants to leave without Mama Salvatore’s friends, but she won’t leave them. She says they’re her family. Damon says that Stefan is his family, and that if Mama S doesn’t want to help him, they will leave her there. So Lily ends up going with Damon, Elena, and Bonnie back to 2015, and Kai gets left in 1903 with the dehydrated vampires.

Enzo visits Sarah in the hospital and tells her that she was the pawn in a game that he’s now lost interest in playing. He calls her Sarah Salvatore and she’s like, wha with the wha?

Lily is entranced by the screensaver on a computer. She tells Damon that she abandoned him and Stefan for their sake, because her blood lust was too much. She then asks when they will be going back for her friends, and Damon’s like, don’t worry, your prison world’s not going anywhere. FORESHADOWING! Kai finds the dehydrated vampires back in 1903, and one of them attacks him.

Caroline and Stefan are having sexy pillow talk time, and Caroline finally admits that his way is a lot more fun. Bonnie thanks Damon for helping her find closure with Kai. He tells her the crazy lady upstairs wants to go back to 1903, and Bonnie’s like, yeah that’s never happening. Bonnie gives Damon a present that she brought back from 1994 Nova Scotia – the cure for vampirism. Damon’s not sure he wants it for Elena anymore, and Bonnie tells him that it’s up to him.

Next time, on The Vampire Diaries: Crazy Caroline and Stefan are on the loose! Stefan finds out Mama Salvatore is back.