the-windmill

Horror movies are best known for being scary. Windmills are best known for, well, being windmills. The Windmill will probably go down in cinematic history as primarily being remembered for the later, because scary it most certainly is not.

Jennifer (Charlotte Beaumont) is an Australian girl with a shady past she is desperate to escape. She winds up in Amsterdam eluding the police. She hops on a bus that takes tourists on a tour of Holland’s famous windmills. The bus breaks down (because of course it does) nearby a shed next to a haunted windmill where devil worship used to occur and led to murder. That’s when the passengers start disappearing one by one (because of course they do).

Terrible movies are nothing new, and no other genre has a bigger share of stinkers than “horror”. Of course things such as specific tastes, social conditions and era contribute greatly to what is considered good or bad (Plan 9 From Outer Space is not a good movie depending on who you ask, although many of us would defend that it is a misunderstood classic to the death). The Windmill’s sin is not that it is a bad film (it is), it is that it is unoriginal to a fault.

It’s basically Jeepers Creepers 2 in a different country, but without the attempt at decent film making. Director Nick Jongerius presents us with a bigger collection of clichés than an episode of American Horror Story. And if the tag line “This isn’t hell… this is Holland” is meant to invoke anything other than a reaction one would usually reserve for a hilarious headline from an article by The Onion, then it is ineffective at best. The amateur technical aspects of the film and the lackluster script aside, the movie is just uninteresting and about as threatening as a pair of wooden shoes or a bouquet of tulips.

Modern horror movies have it rough. It is getting harder and harder to be fresh and new. So perhaps The Windmill isn’t meant to be anything more than a future feature on a 5 movie blu-ray collection picked up in the bargain bin around Halloween time. Something to put on in the background of a party where you can watch five minutes of it while waiting for the pizza to arrive or to get out of a particularly bad conversation. But much like its namesake, it is best left in the background, mostly ignored, doing whatever the hell it is that windmills do.